Find the Gifts in Failure

This is a personal story of failure and defeat.

Several years ago, I awoke in the pre-dawn hours of my 52nd birthday with a piercing pain reverberating through my chest.

There was no need to call 911; it was not a heart attack.?It was the pain that one could only experience by taking an accidental knee to the chest while sparring with a teammate at my local Jiu-Jitsu Academy.

It was a pain known only to one who is (as Teddy Roosevelt once said): “actually in the arena.”

Many might call this foolhardy.?My?inner critic?certainly did, and he had a field day with me back then.?Between the ongoing physiological pain from my bruised rib cage and the psychological beating from my inner critic, perhaps a widow making a heart attack would have been preferable. ??

But then again, I am living one of my dreams: the dream of becoming proficient in a martial art.?That dream was initially catalyzed by one of my father’s returning Vietnam War veteran students in the early 1970s.?He showed me a few things I could do to defend myself during the street scraps I experienced as a young boy growing up in Brooklyn.

That dream (which has been with me ever since) started to become a reality when I left my fundraising leadership role at Princeton to embark on a new career path of helping leaders in the nonprofit world flourish and thrive.?Like most significant dreams, it will take some time, effort, and perseverance to fully manifest (should my body last).

And when you’re up to something in the world (like aiming for a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu), there will be many failures along the way.?I am reminded of this daily as I “tap” to opponents in my Academy that get the better of me in sparring sessions.

Let me share a more vivid example.?

In 2017 I faced defeat in Las Vegas at the?World Master’s Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Championships.?It was a tournament for which I trained relentlessly for months and traveled across the country to compete.?I was well prepared and mentally calm as my match approached.?In the end, I faced an able opponent whose game was better than mine that day.?I lost my first match 2–0.?On the Jiu-Jitsu mat as in Thunderdome (from the Mad Max series): “Two men enter, one man leaves” The following year, I competed again at the World Master’s and went home empty-handed after winning my first match and losing my second.

So, what is one to do in the face of such failure?? Look for the gift(s).

That’s right.?Even while you are dealing with losing to opponents two years in a row, it can be helpful to pause and ask: “What’s the gift here??How can I use this to learn and grow?” Looking for the gift is a Superpower.

You may be wondering, “what’s the gift in all of that failure?” I asked myself that very same question.?What’s the point of traveling nearly 3,000 miles for a 5-minute contest or two??Or, at least, that is what my inner critic was asking at the time.?When I paused and reflected upon the experience, the answer(s) came.

The first has to do with honoring the value I call “adventure.” I relish opportunities to set about massive challenges that have uncertain outcomes, up to and including death (like climbing mountains for 15years, which I did).?To train, travel, and compete in my 50’s in a martial arts tournament with the best competitors in the world honors that value.

The second answer has to do with what I learned.?Going to the tournament in the first year, I believed my mind was relatively calm.?That was true, up until I stepped onto the mat, and the referee signaled for the fight to begin.?In a flash, my focus narrowed, panoramic vision collapsed, and I barely noticed the active coaching voice from my Professor on the sidelines.?Five minutes got collapsed into 5 seconds, and I learned how speedy my mind can still be, despite nearly 20 years of meditation.?Wow!?That was a huge discovery, for which I am grateful.

As the Boss says in?Cool Hand Luke: “You got to get your mind right.” So, I returned to the cushion (and mat room) for additional mind (and body) training.

In 2019, after the third attempt, I became?World Champion?in the Master 6, Blue Belt, Lightweight division after defeating the reigning World Champion in a close match.

Feel free to reach out to me if you struggle to find the gifts in any circumstance.?I love helping people with that.

This story of failure is an excerpt from my book, A Life with Peace and Tranquility.