The Final Transition – Leaving Home
In the first three articles of this series, we looked at the significant milestones in the journey through adolescence. We looked at what it feels like to become a teenager. How does going from 12 to 13 feel? What does that mean? How does that impact the family? We've looked at the young person transitioning from middle to high school. What a dramatic change that is and how that can affect everyone involved. The difference is being around older kids and being exposed to many opportunities and obstacles. Lastly, we looked at what getting the all-important driver's license is like and how that changes many things in a young person's life. They now have some degree of freedom they never had, and they can also support the family in ways they've never been able to. It comes with its share of challenges and potential hazards.
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But of all the transitions that occur in the journey of adolescence, none is more challenging and bittersweet than the challenge that arises when the youth has decided to leave home. When I was a teenager growing up, we were constantly reminded that when we turned 18, we had to have something to do. Staying home was not an option. We had to have a plan. Well, for me, I planned to go into the military. I went to the United States Navy three weeks after graduating high school. Most of my friends went to college or did other things. Regardless, for my generation, we were expected to have a plan and go somewhere when school was over. ?That's certainly not the case anymore; we'll discuss that in this article. As you may have guessed, this article will discuss all critical milestones. When you're teen decides to move out.
?We will examine the typical paths teens often take, such as going into the military, attending college or trade school, getting a job full-time or part-time, and pursuing other interests like starting a business, volunteering, or traveling. All of these are very viable and worthy pursuits and depend on the teen who they are and their journey as far as being ready to take on new challenges and responsibilities. And lastly, we'll look at, you know, how this impacts the family, you know, something that everyone's looked forward to for so long now becomes something that people will sometimes either intentionally or unintentionally begin to sort of sabotage. So we'll look at that too. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this last episode of navigating the journey of adolescence; I've enjoyed putting it together.
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Section 1: The Excitement and Fear of Leaving Home ?
My baby's all grown up! Well, sorta. For years, the thought plagued or excited the mind of a child's adult that one day that child would grow up and leave home, and that idea fills those of us as parents with excitement and a tinge of sadness. Sometimes, there is a lot of sadness, especially for those who enjoy being parents. So when that time begins to approach, how we view how we look at that is often inconsistent and full of emotional minefields. We know our job is to raise children to the point where they're mature enough to go out into the world and replicate the process. Have we done enough? Are they ready? Can they do this? The other part of it is we may want him to stay. I don't want him to go. Why can't they stay a little longer? Maybe they could live at home and get a job.
?It is a confusing time for adolescents, filled with excitement, trepidation, exhilaration, and fear. There's planning that goes into what I am going to do. There are college applications to fill out, military entrance exams to take, and trade school options available. What if I get a job and hang out with my friends? I will finally be free of all this, and then it hits them! Holy crap, I'm going to be free. What does that even mean? I have to pay bills, I've got to get myself up, I've got to clean my room, and there's not going to be there to tell me what to do. I don't want to take on all this responsibility. I'm not ready for this yet and don't know if I want to leave.
?Does this sound familiar? If not, it probably will. But you'll be happy to know that millions of teenagers have left the nest quite successfully over the generations, and yours will undoubtedly do the same. So, as we explore these different ideas through this article, be encouraged that all the emotions you're having, and all the things you're feeling are shared by many others going through the same transition.
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Section 2: The Role of Parents in Supporting the Transition
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College
It's a fall day, the band is playing, the crowd is cheering, and your teen takes the field on that beautiful Saturday afternoon. The air is perfect outside; the sun is shining; you're with the friends you've made since you came to campus; man, this is everything you ever thought college would be. You're so excited about being a student at this incredible institution. You've watched them for years, you've thought about how great it would be to be on campus attending classes so exciting and full of beautiful opportunities, and then it hits you: to do that, I have to leave home. I have to go live there. I have to leave my friends. I don't want to do that. I want to stay here. What if I don't make it? What if I fail? What if it's too hard? Nah, it'll be OK. I will do just fine. I have studied, my test scores were excellent, and I got accepted, and I am going to be a college student in the fall
?Ohh my gosh, I can't believe my baby got into our favorite school. It's where I went to school. It will be excellent; I'm so glad they got a chance to go to that school. We have prayed about this since they were little that they would do well in school and be able to attend that incredible place where we made so many memories, made so many friends, and learned so much about life. But to be sure, I have mixed emotions about them going away. I will miss them so much, and what if they get there and they're unsure what to do? What if they don't know what to do? If she gets hurt, I won't be able to get to her wait. I don't want her to go. She could stay and go to school here. What am I saying? Of course, she's going to go to college, and of course, she will do fine. We've done everything possible to prepare her, and she'll be fine.
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Military
The recruiter told me I could ship off as soon as school leaves. I am so excited to be carrying on our family's proud tradition: Grandpa served, my dad served, and now I'm going to serve. It's going to be great—no college for me. I'll go to college when I get done, but right now, I'm going to go do my duty, and I'm going to serve my country. Everyone should have to serve their country, but that's OK. I'll go anyway. I'll go for the ones who don't want to go. I love this country, and I'm going to take care of it. I'm going to go be a member of the US armed forces. I am so excited! It will be tough to leave home, but that's OK. I'm ready!
Oh my gosh, I can't believe our kid is joining the military. I'm so proud that at the same time, I'm so fearful. It's such a volatile time in the world. What if something happens? What if they get sent to a war zone? What if, Hoh, I'm not even going to think about it? They will be fine. My dad was OK, and I was fine. We got through it.? ?It'll be OK. They're tough, they're smart, and it will go fine.
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Full-Time Job and Moving Out
In my practice, working with teens and families is one of the most challenging things I have encountered in the office. Families come in, everyone looking aggravated. The teen says I'm moving out. I am tired of your rules. I want to live on my own. I want to go live my life. Or the parents are at the place where they're like, that's it. We're not putting up with this crap anymore. He has to move into his place and figure it out. Both parties are acting out of probably not as strong a place since both are aggravated and annoyed, you name it. And even when things are going well, and the child wants to move out, there's still a lot of indecisiveness and frustration. So why is this such a difficult thing?
?We spend a lot of time teaching our kids what to do and what not to do while living at home. We don't only spend a little time talking to them about what it's like when they're not living at home but also what they need to do. Whether a child is going off to college or moving into their apartment, living alone is a very different set of circumstances than living at home with your parents. But let's examine the one where we will go out on our own and live.
?Most young people have a tiny idea of what it costs to live on your own. One of the things I typically do where they teen when they come into my office ready to move out because I sit down with them and start going over a budget very simply you know what a cell phone costs, what electricity cost, food, gas, car payments, insurance, ETC. And not to mention rent. Then you add all that up and show them that this is what you must have every month to live. And I do the same thing with the parents because they love to say, "Ohh, you have no idea what it's going to cost, " and most of the time, they don't either. And we're looking at the stark reality of what we're faced with, and it's often clear that the youth is not ready to move out. So what do we do?
?Fortunately, the parents usually come to me in the latter part of the teen years 17 or 18 years old but not when they're in their 20s or 30s although I do get that occasionally. The parents are often very excited about, or at least they say they are excited about, their youth moving out, and the youth, of course, is over the moon about the fracture moving out, but what I've been doing is encouraging them to begin treating the teen like they are independent.
?Further, the teens began to act like they were independent. That means doing all their self-care laundry, cleaning up their room, taking care of their things, getting themselves up and going, all those activities that we, as functioning adults, do daily. The other part is that they must start paying part of the expenses they create living there. They can pay something towards the phone bill, something towards the light bill, something towards the insurance, etcetera. All these things will help them begin to see the costs of being independent.
?The other challenge is getting the parents to understand that you need to quit treating them like little kids. Let them fail at self-care, pay the bills, turn the phone off, or not drive the car, and let them do that because home is a safe place to do that. It will not impact their credit score, it will not impact their quality of life too much, and they can bounce back fairly easily and quickly. One thing I do know is that just moving out as a teenager is almost always a recipe for disaster and almost always involves the teen quickly moving back or the parents stepping in and begin paying their bills and for their way of life just in a different location.
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Part-Time School and Living at Home
This is probably one of the most effective ways for a teen, regardless of what they're going to do, whether going into the military, going to college, or just moving out on their own and getting a job. This gradual process of living at home, getting a job, and going to school allows them to experience the rigors of college, the challenges of balancing competing interests, and developing healthy independent living skills. The parents must remember that that is the goal of this exercise.
?It's straightforward for parents and kids to fall back into the role of parent and kid. I encourage both of them to begin acting like their teen, or the young adult is a roommate or a tenant. A tenant is the best way to look at it, but the wording is probably optional. But if you treat the youth as a tenant and the youth begins to act like a tenant, they get a more realistic view of what it's like to be on their own.
?Unfortunately for the parents, you don't ask the youth to do the dishes, cut the grass, take out the trash, or do any other things your teen might be expected to do. For the teen, it means mom or dad will not do your laundry, pay your bills, or ensure you get up for work on time. You have to do that yourself. Although this is very difficult, I think it's probably the best way to try this experiment and have a good outcome. So, if this is something we've both been looking forward to all this time, why is it so difficult?
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Section 3: The Tension Between Holding On and Letting Go
That is an excellent question with many different answers, but it comes down to the idea that neither party is entirely ready for what is required in this process. For the adult, it means that I am releasing my child into the world, and I no longer have the primary responsibility for their well-being, and I may not be as essential or as involved in their life. For the youth, it means I must go out and make my way, and I am on my own. I have to figure things out independently, and I don't have mom and dad's security and safety in their home.
?It also means that as an adult, I must start talking to and treating my teen. As an adult, I can't speak to them the way I may have in the past; I can't tell them what to do; all I can do is suggest things. I can't make their decisions for them. I can provide them with information based on my experience. It's a very different role. I must begin talking to my teenager like another adult, which requires practice. For the teen, it means I must start making decisions for myself. As parents, we have to let them do that, even if it means knowing their decision is probably not the best for them. Indeed, we're not going to stand by and watch them get hurt or hurt someone else without saying something, but a lot of times, we may have to go along with something that we don't think or have a pretty good idea is going to work, but they need to learn that lesson.
?The last thing to remember is that it is indeed OK. Indeed, in the previous 15 years, it has become very typical for teens to come back home and stay for a while before finally leaving for good between the effects of the economy, poor job choices, if any, waiting longer to get married if at all and to start families all of these things make it more likely that the teen may come back even well into their 20s and spend some time at home before finally leaving for good in my generation that would have been seen as a weakness or perhaps there was something wrong with the teenager or the young adult period now it is seen as just the way it is.
?Either way, the ultimate goal is to change my relationship with my teen and my teen with me. And even though the transition is bittersweet and often at one point anxious and at another exhilarating, it is my role as a parent to ultimately work myself out of a job, at least the job where I'm the day-to-day moment-by-moment caregiver to a role of cheerleader coach and mentor. That transition is challenging for both parties.
?Sometimes, the teen will need to come and be at home and in that space and feel that connection. Sometimes, the parents need to call to ensure everybody's OK and that they don't need anything. Ultimately, since you've done an excellent job with your child. Although clumsy at times, their move into adulthood will undoubtedly be successful like countless others before them.
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Reflection
One last word - like all the other phases of development, our children go through from birth until they ultimately leave home. This phase brings with it some fantastic new facets of connection. Like the previous stages of development, I overcame my reluctance to let go of what was for what was inevitably coming and embraced the exciting relationship this next chapter brought.
?For instance, with my three sons, the oldest takes his daughter to the pumpkin patch every year, which we always did. He also loves working in the yard and gardening. My middle son is in the restaurant business and runs the restaurant for a lovely place in the Midwest. Lastly, my youngest has taken his time landing on a specific path. I was 30 when I finally finished college for the first time and began my first career. He is also creative and writes stories and “rap” lyrics.?
?So, in exchange for the exciting frontier of the high school years, I have received a chance to see how my influence and their interests have coincided. It is always a great treat when they call and ask for advice or even need to borrow $10.00, although that has happened for a long time. Being a parent is the most fantastic job in the world, especially when you see your children thriving in their unique ways.
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?This concludes the four-part series on some of the, in my opinion, most pivotal parts of the adolescent journey. We've traveled from the beginning to the part where they head out independently. Indeed, there are many more high and low points during the adolescent journey. There's prom, the first kiss, getting accepted to college or in the military, and having my first boyfriend or girlfriend. Plenty of things add to the excitement of the journey of navigating adolescence.
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Appendix:
For more excellent reading on the subject visit here Laurence Steinberg
When examining the pathways that high school graduates take, several categories emerge. These include moving out for college, joining the workforce, enlisting in the military, or staying home to work part-time while attending school part-time. Here are some insights based on available research:
1. College Enrollment: Many high school graduates pursue higher education. For instance, about two-thirds of the class of 2013 enrolled in college shortly after graduation, with 42% attending four-year colleges and 24% enrolling in two-year institutions[5].
2. Entering the Workforce: A substantial number of people who do not immediately pursue college enter the labor force. In 2013, approximately 74% of graduates who did not attend college joined the workforce[5].
3. Military Service: Some graduates opt for military service as their next step. This pathway is less frequently detailed in broad statistics but is recognized as a viable option for high school graduates[6].
4. Part-Time Work and School: Some students stay home, work part time, and attend school part-time. This pathway allows students to gain work experience while continuing their education, although specific statistics on this group are less commonly reported.
5. Other pathways include trade or technical schools, apprenticeships, and work-based learning opportunities. These options are increasingly being promoted to meet the demand for skilled workers in various industries[2].
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Citations:
[2] https://americafirstpolicy.com/issues/policy-actions-to-expand-pathways-for-high-school-graduates
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When comparing military enlistment rates to college enrollment rates among high school graduates, there is a notable difference in the proportions choosing each path.
1. College Enrollment: Most high school graduates opt for higher education. For instance, about 61.4% of recent high school graduates enrolled in college by October 2023[4]. This figure includes both two-year and four-year institutions, with a larger portion attending four-year colleges[4]
2. Military Enlistment: In contrast, a smaller percentage of high school graduates choose to enlist in the military. Approximately 3.7% of high school graduates immediately enlist in the military each year[3]. This translates to around 37,500 to 45,000 high school graduates enlisting annually[3].
The data indicate that college enrollment is significantly more common than military enlistment among recent high school graduates. While both paths offer distinct opportunities and benefits, the preference for college suggests a strong inclination toward pursuing higher education as a post-secondary option.
Citations:
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Thank you for reading this final article in my series, “Navigating the Transition of the Teen Years.” My upcoming book, set to be released in October, will explore this topic and many others in greater detail.
If you have concerns about your child or want to contact me, you can find me on social media or at my website: (https://www.DanRenaudJax.com).
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