Final Deliveries

After six years, this marks the last week of doing bike deliveries for a living. I’ve done this in different capacities each year since moving downtown and it has been a legitimate form of income, especially as I learned how to tailor it to my needs. I tapped my production skills, pimped my courier pack to accommodate different types of orders and added different delivery platforms to the mix. I was able to make the money I needed without putting in full-time hours nor worrying about keeping a strict schedule. I could simultaneously pursue all kinds of creative endeavors. Plus, I really love riding my bike.

This morphed into a side gig as I began a full-time position as a graphics specialist. Deliveries became extra income to help pay off bills. However, the full-time job was also contracted employment and ended right as the pandemic began. I had just started looking for new creative positions when everything dried up and ground to a halt. Except essential services.

Deliveries became more valuable to society and so I kept doing them. This time it was nerve-racking. In those early days, not everyone was taking the pandemic seriously. But as we know, it didn't last forever. As it wound down I found other temporary jobs and gig positions that covered the basics while I figured out what to do next. All the while, deliveries filled in the gaps.

Of course, I did not expect what was around the corner. A year ago I noticed that my vision was diminished in my left eye. This started a litany of medical tests but nothing could determine the source of the problem until we did an MRI and found a tumor in the center of my head. It was pressing against and wrapping around my optic nerves.

This discovery occurred just as I was getting ready to start a new phase of job searching and freelance development. Within weeks I learned that a surgery was required. At first it didn’t seem like it was going to be a big deal, but more analysis meant a different surgery that was far more invasive and would require a craniotomy.

At that point I knew everything was going to be changing and my choices and options would be limited moving forward. The longer recovery time meant that it wasn’t realistic seeking any sort of new full-time position until after recovery. No employer would be very happy with someone taking a month off after just getting hired. Not to mention needing at least a day or two every week or so for various medical appointments.

So, new priorities... focus upon pre- and post-surgery processes and keep doing bike deliveries to pay the bills. But what about the freelance creative options? As much as I wanted to, every time I sat down at the computer to focus on those things, my mind would swirl and my focus would collapse. The emotions that I felt were overwhelming and debilitating. It was anxiety. Pure stress like I have never felt before. All of the fear of the surgery and recovery was too much for me to handle and I felt like I was losing my mind and sinking into a serious depression.

And this explains the other element of why I have done deliveries for so long and why I have kept coming back to them. Serious physical exercise. Activity that includes the glorious, mind-altering rush that comes with it. There's an absolute thrill to sprint-cycling in downtown Chicago. Plus the feeling of accomplishment in the split-second routing involved in getting from A-B-C-D when deliveries are hopping. That clock was always ticking and being fast meant better tips. I was wired and all of this stressful crap in my life didn't matter nearly as much when I was on the bike.

That brings us to today. My craniotomy next week means removing part of my skull to access the tumor. Even though I will be mostly functional within a few weeks, it will take months for the skull to heal completely and as such, a simple fall from riding a bike could result in catastrophic brain damage. Even wearing a helmet is not sufficient until it's fully healed.

So... no more deliveries. This also means no more putting my dreams to the side. No more hiding from the fears that I've had. The fears of failure and rejection. It's been easy to just do something that paid the bills and not take bigger risks because losing deliveries would never hurt as much as losing something I truly love. As I begin my recovery, I begin a transformation. It’s now time to get focused back upon the path that I’ve fallen off of so many times in the past. In essence, the tumor is forcing me to face my fears and stay on that path.

But I'm going to miss the bike. I am going to miss the strange and solitary lifestyle that came with this industry. With no coworkers, my primary relationship has always been with the city itself, going from place to place during every time of year and in every type of weather. I’m going to miss having access to hundreds of the most incredible buildings and spaces in MY city and getting to know it so intimately. I will never forget this period of my life and a work option I had never ever conceived of doing.

Here’s to taking the excitement, energy and motion of it into my next phase of occupation and creativity. It's been a great ride.

#bikedeliveries #gigemployment #ultimateprocrastination #fearoffailure #careerchange #forcedhand #healthcarescare #tumortime #tumortown #goodwithinthebad #movingforward #facingfears