Fill others’ cups... but first be self-full?

I’ve realised something in the past few months, that may sound unexpected but it seems to work! Being a psychologist, I should have realised this earlier, but oh well. And I realised all of this while submerging myself into the theory and practice of deep coaching insights from Leon VanderPol and Amrita Singh - two highly respected experts in their field, and who I look upon as mentors. Now you must be wondering ‘What did you realise? Get to the point already!’.

For many of us, specially in the last few decades, being solution-oriented has been the way to be - personally and professionally. We hear this a lot - “move past the problem, focus on the solution, carve your own future, don’t worry about the past”. Where does this instantly take our mind to? It hurries us up towards technicalities - goals, plans, consequences, progress, frameworks, judgement (of self and of the outside world). This is a habit not just when we’re solving for situations on our plate, but even more so when we’re solving or helping other people. We are quick to jump to solutions - we instantly want to get the other person out of misery, give them instant results, give ourselves the instant satisfaction of helping another…

This works. But I’ve recently experienced that another approach works even better. Not for all situations, but definitely when we’re in the role of helping, supporting, guiding or are a listening ear for another person.

What does this involve? In order for us to help another in the most effective way, , we must first, and largely focus on ourself - not on the other person, and not on the other person’s problems. Sounds selfish right? I’ll dissect this a bit.

When I say focus on oneself, I mean a combination of a few things I experienced working wonderfully in my personal practice and growth in this role over the last few months.

Centering and healing oneself, choosing and practicing your own type of meditative experiences... Works in different ways with different people. Deep breathing a few times a day? Journaling? Singing songs out aloud? Guided meditation? Whatever it may be, emptying your mind and creating a fresh drawing board is important, without the logistical and to-do list distractions of daily life. One can’t wait to do this the day they know a friend/colleague will call for help. One is required to do this as regular practice, to truly be ready to support another.

Identifying and ‘experiencing’ your drivers and values... We all use the commonly mentioned ‘ways of being’ very flippantly - being resilient, positive, brave, humble, honest, righteous. Ofcourse these are aspirational states of being, but once we push ourselves to truly ask ourselves ‘What drives me? What do I stand for?’, you get aware on a deeper level of your motivators that drive you daily in all your thoughts, actions and decisions. Push yourself to explore even the less common values, like authenticity, diversity, encouragement, balance, conformity, stimulation, legacy, community… shortlist yours. And feel them. Not via their definitions but via physically closing your eyes, focussing and physically feel those values in your body, breath, skin, hair - literally radiating them. When you honestly take a stab at this, there is a magical space or aura created around you of 'listening to listen' and not just to respond, of safety, of healing, of slowness and not hurriedness…

Dropping the pressure on yourself to be of help... You don’t have to go armed with solutions. Just take the responsibility of taking a healing, open, calm and aware version of yourself to the communication. Magic will happen without your solutions - solutions may come from the listener him/herself within that safe space! And very honestly solutions aren’t even necessarily required to come… feeling aware and safe is a big step in the right direction.

So when you’re in the midst of a supportive conversation, truly feel each of the above steps and you will magically reflect and inquire in ways that you didn’t know you could, or was helpful to the listener. The result is far from preaching, teaching, guiding… it’s healing; the first step in resolving anything.

To sum it up in short, drop the agenda you have for the other person's progress; keep alive the agenda you have to be able to bring the most centred, authentic, calm and self-aware version of yourself.

PS: If you relate to this or find it useful, do grab the book 'A Shift in Being – The Art and Practices of Deep Transformational Coaching' - you're going to love it!