Fighting Fire with Fire Only Spreads a Blaze

Thinking back, it was more than half a lifetime ago when a profound experience instilled me with personal growth that I’ve relied on ever since.

I was visiting a friend who worked at a very unique place called Esalen in Big Sur, California. It’s essentially a commune set on the edge of the Pacific cliffs and [I think] is the only place on the globe where hot springs meet the ocean. Scene set.

She kept pretty busy during the workdays, so I decided to spend my time taking an intense course about the mind-body connection offered that week.

Others there joked with me about being a “Philly Boy.” They were right. I was like a foreigner among the Cali natives!

The training was based on a model made up of the four elements: Earth, Air, Fire and Water illustrated in a four-quadrant grid according to their natural motion.

OK, it seemed totally flaky at first. “Totally.”

There were 3 instructors for 7 participants. We discussed, acted out and practiced in many ways for about 36 hours over 6 days. VERY long story short, the one aspect I’d like to share here is that we focused on how the elements correlate with certain personality types and how they interact, especially in situations.

It’s a simple concept to comprehend that fire plus fire only makes it spread. Here we explored ways - in any given situation when confronted with fire, such as an angry person - how to overcome your own natural aggressive reaction by grounding yourself in that moment and making a conscious decision to behave like water even if and when that’s not in your core nature. 

The ultimate point being that, in the case of a brewing argument, instead of letting ego get in your own way by focusing on being right about something, that it becomes easier and better to diffuse that situation by making a conscious decision NOT to argue.

It’s not about giving up the “I’m right” part as much as accepting that two “rights” don’t make a wrong. Two people can misunderstand or perceive the very same situation in completely opposite ways.

Staying conscientiously in control will empower you to overcome your ego and make a choice for the greater good, especially motivated by your own benefit.

Here’s where you might imagine sparing yourself from hours of angry email threads or days of hashing out and retelling details (spreading fire) to others willing to listen while reliving those events and emotions over and over again.

Having the forethought to tell yourself it’s not worth it makes it easier to ask yourself, what alternative might I do or say that will douse and extinguish flames rather than adding fuel? 

Yes, the other person may be totally out of line, but making yourself the priority is the key.

This brings to mind one of my favorite expressions (and management style) that the best way to handle a crisis is by preventing it. If a heated argument turns into something of an “Energy Cancer,” then prevention is the cure. Ok, I guess the “Cali” in me is on display here.

Today, some of the more common terms for this are emotional intelligence and conflict resolution. 

There’s much more to this experience and learning about how the four elements interact that I'd like to share another time.

For now, just remember to plant your feet, remain calm and reach for the extinguisher.

(Esalen is an exceptionally beautiful place! This just might be my best photo ever. Thanks for your interest - I hope you find this resonates whenever such moments ignite).

#BeTheDifference