Fight the problem, not the person
Our differences define our uniqueness – nationality, culture, gender, beliefs, values and our behaviors. From a very early age, we are aware of these differences, with siblings and peer groups. We may have different abilities, talents, and levels of attractiveness or interest. These differences define mankind, allow progress and contribute to the dynamics of the world. We are also aware that these differences contribute to conflict in our world. Each of us is likely to experience some degree of conflict, be it personal, professional, national or international. No matter who you are, or where you live, if you are in contact with other people you are likely to face some form of conflict, be it a minor irritation or an earth-shattering row.
Cost of Conflict:
While conflict can be constructive, most conflicts are destructive, having time, emotional and health costs. Such power struggles can result in stress, loss of confidence, unhappiness, hostility, withdrawal and even illness. The true cost to an organization will include wasted employee time, higher staff turnover, missed opportunities, absenteeism, inefficiency, low morale and poor teamwork. Conversely of course, people who are skilled at managing conflict are more likely to be perceived as leaders, are more influential, gain respect and co-operation and increase the worth of an organization.
Don’t argue with perception:
People who run with the mindset ‘I am right’ will be inclined to see others as the problem and that they should change … they are the ones who are being unreasonable, closed and stubborn. In reality, it is the arrogance of the ‘I am right’ attitude that is likely to perpetuate the problem. Rather than judge behavior, connect with needs. Understanding is about exploring the unseen bits of other people’s icebergs, their thoughts, feelings and intentions. Rather than contradict a view, you might wish to add to it. It is OK to be different, it is not OK to dysfunction.
Constructive Conflict:
Conflict is inevitable simply because we are different. However, we can disagree and not be in conflict. Conflict is more to do with style than substance. It happens because of what we do and say about the differences, rather than arising from the differences themselves. Many people suggest that conflict is healthy and constructive. While conflict can provide broader perspectives and deeper understanding, for most people conflict is destructive.
A conflict is constructive only if, as a result:
- the relationship is stronger
- you understand each other more
- there is greater willingness to meet each other’s needs
- there is greater trust
- you have resolved the source of future conflicts
- there are richer perspectives.
The view through your window is different, not better, not right; just different. The difference need not be the battleground, it can be the source for broader perspectives. There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with me, but there may be something wrong between us.
Resolving conflict:
Win-win is more likely when people
- focus on both sets of needs, concerns and feelings.
- respect each other’s view.
- see the issue as a mutual problem to be solved.
- are prepared to listen and compromise.
- are not interested in winning at any cost.
- opt for power with rather than power over.
Fight the Difference or Celebrate it?
Celebrate rather than fight the difference. To the extent that you are able to translate me and you into we, you will develop affinity, rapport and get co-operation. If you don’t, there is the real likelihood of division, frustration and the escalation of conflict. To share power does not mean giving up power. It can be like sharing the light of a candle. When you light another person’s candle, your light does not diminish. In fact there is more light for everyone. The enlightened approach to resolving conflict involves respect. Respect is about recognizing others as being different and accepting them with their differences.
People will not want to co-operate with you, if you seem to be against them. Aim to be open, receptive and willing to collaborate. Create an atmosphere in which everyone feels that something can be gained, i.e. everyone is a winner. Maybe you don’t get what you want until others get what they want. Fight the problem, not the person.
“A good relationship requires mutual understanding and acceptance, not always agreement”