The Fight Against My Mind

?????? ?? ?????? ??? ???? ????, ??? ?? ?????? ???? ???? ???

??? ????? ???? ?? ???? ???? ????? ??? ???? ???

Life is indeed a rollercoaster ride, some days are filled with love, fun, and enjoyment, and others are with anxiety, conflicts (external and internal), uncertainty, and fear. In mid-2018 when I was diagnosed with depression, my life stopped there. I couldn’t gather myself; I lost all hopes. I felt like a stranger to myself. I wanted to meet the real version of me again. After all that went wrong in these years, worse was the expectation I had from myself. I wanted to achieve the greatest of the great, but I failed, I failed to maintain relations with my close ones, I failed to maintain professionalism, I failed in keeping myself happy and I failed in every possible way. The guilt took over.

I wanted to meet myself

I took medicinal treatment along with talk therapy. It took 3-4 sessions for me to open up with my therapist. My therapist was well-trained and professional. It will be wrong to say that it didn’t help, it did but it was heavy for my pocket too. Another factor that disturbed me was finance. I tried meditation, sessions with a counselor, exercise, and kept myself busy, I tried every possible thing which I could to get out of the loop of depression.

"Sun will rise and shine again"

I believed at that time and I still do

1.??????Depression doesn’t mean you will feel sad every time. There are times when I’ve experienced extreme happiness, but it was temporary. Mostly I was guilty, was afraid of rejection, and was sensitive. Still, I started enjoying my happy days.

2.??????I felt like I couldn't accomplish anything, and trust me, that's the worst feeling. However, I set myself small goals. My biggest goals can't be achieved in one go, so I set small milestones instead.

3.??????The temporary solution that can give you relief is exercise. I found it helpful. In spite of the fact that my body was not in the right condition to do the task and I struggled, I tried. Every day, I walked a little bit more.

4.??????It was a nightmare for me to sleep at night. The memories of the past, actions, and situations haunted me at night, causing me insomnia. The mind also needs rest, hence it’s important to make it a habit of sleeping at the same time every day. It will help the body and the mind to get proper rest.

5.??????What I realized in these years was, that the expectations I had from people led me down. Less or no expectations will help in growing up mentally and peacefully.

6.??????I took on more responsibilities because it helped me to keep myself busy in my daily routine. And at the end, it also gave me a sense of accomplishment.

7.??????Because I was not comfortable with changes, I watched my favorite, already-watched Korean series again and again. This helped me be comfortable in my own little world.

8.??????I started talking to my close one. I was skeptical about this but I left behind all my fears and took the initiative.

9.??????Meditation from time to time, traveling, trekking, writing, and reading all helped in some way or the other.

10. Going to the same place, having the same food, and enjoying every small moment helped in think positively.

What I learned in these four years is, that depression has no cure; you can feel sad and depressed even after your treatment is over. You might be at ease that you return to your daily routine but somewhere at some point that will linger around. It can occur in phases. People will intimidate you; they will pull you down but taking these on mind and heart or not is in our hands.

This one decision will drive your life.

I thought if my symptoms go away then I will be cured. But I was wrong. Still, whenever I hear some sad story I cry; whenever I try something new, my heart starts palpitating; I have become more sensitive, I still hesitate in making the first move and I have anxiety too, which triggers every now and then, but now this never stops me from enjoying my life. I have accepted the fact that I was in depression and the next phase of it can come anytime. I've accepted that sad, depressed, and hopeless was me and this sensitive, happy, stronger, hopeful is also me.

Acceptance is important; Being hopefull is important.

You are important

This time I’m well prepared. I cry I write, I openly talk about it, I make new friends, I travel, I laugh and I enjoy. Today I’m stronger than before, I can handle myself and can fight any hurdle.

Meeting the real me after four years is itself a great achievement for me.?