A Few Tips on LEVERAGING QUESTIONS to Increase your Influence.

Note: Today's article "Right Question, Right Answers" is an except from Straight Talk: The Power of Effective Communication written by Ria Story. When I met Ria, she was 19 and hadn't developed many communication skills because she had been suffering 7 years of continuous extreme sexual abuse at the hands of her father from age 12-19. (Watch her POWERFULLY INSPIRING 7 minute TEDx talk here.) She was home-schooled, controlled, and kept away from others most of the time. She hadn't had a lot of social interactions. You would have thought she was an introvert. However, she wasn't. She simply had never had the opportunity to learn and experiment with the principles of communicating and connecting with others. Today, she's writing books and speaking on stage about communication, connection, and building strong relationships based on a foundation of trust. Ria has come a long way since the day I met her on June 16, 2000.

If you're interested in intentionally improving your ability to communicate and connect with others, be sure to check out and register for Ria's upcoming COMPLIMENTARY webcast Straight Talk: Communication and Connection Skills to Increase Your Influence which will be hosted live by ATD (Association for Talent Development) on April 2, 2018 at 1 pm EDT. You will learn effective communication techniques to improve your communication skills, and learn to connect effectively to leverage those communication skills. You can then apply these key principles to accelerate your career, increase your influence, and enhance your personal and professional relationships

In Ria's webcast, you will learn:

• The foundational communication principle to increase influence with others
• 3 connection and communication principles to leverage relationships
• 8 tips for remembering—and using—names

Right Question, Right Answers

“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” ~ Larry King

Questions are an incredible tool for establishing a connection with another person. You never run out of conversation when you know how to ask questions effectively. Questions allow you to learn more about the other person: who they are, what they know, what they have experienced, how they see the world, what they feel, what they like, what they don’t like, what they have learned, and what they know that you need to know. 

Questions are more than just a good tool for establishing common ground and building rapport or connection. They are also one of the most powerful and effective tools for learning, leading, and influencing someone. The right questions are thought-provoking and open up dialogue, enhance communication, and allow mutual understanding. 

In short, asking the right question(s) is the most effective communication tool you will ever have. 

If asking questions doesn’t come easily for you to start with, make a list of four or five “go to” questions you can ask in almost any situation. An example of an easy question to ask is to ask about the other person’s family or children. But, make sure to ask open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are questions that require an answer other than “yes” or “no.” Open-ended questions allow the other person to share as much or as little as they want, without feeling uncomfortable. They also keep the conversation going longer as you will certainly learn more with an open question. 

Here are some examples of questions and how to use them in different situations:

At Work: Questions asked at work allow more thorough communication and thought provoking responses. The key here is asking the question in the right way, and often, asking a follow-up question. When you are working to develop someone, answer a question with a question. It takes longer, but the rewards are huge in terms of being able to delegate responsibility and to develop and grow your team. Ask for recommendations and solutions. Ask how they propose to do something. Ask why or why not. Ask what the barriers are. Ask what the pitfalls might be. Ask what the opportunities are. Ask what else you need to know or consider. And, listen to the answers. 

At Home: With family, it’s important not to ask questions that make others feel like you are probing or prying. Particularly when you know the other person is upset, make sure to ask questions gently. For example, if you ask “What’s wrong?” it might feel like you are prying. It certainly comes across as aggressive or intrusive. It’s more likely to shut down the other person because they don’t feel safe. Instead, saying “You seem to be upset?” with a question in your voice, opens the door for them to respond with as much or as little information as they want. It’s acknowledging them and giving them the emotional space to breathe and share if they want to. 

In a Social Setting: Whether it’s dinner conversation or meeting someone at a reception, a great way to break the ice is to ask them to tell you about themselves. Some people need no encouragement to talk, but being prepared with a few questions can keep the conversation going. Ask a question for the group about current affairs or what they think about so-and-so. Note: Religion and politics can be controversial, so you may want to avoid those areas. 

Meeting Strangers: Ask them to tell you a little about their story or about them. For example, you might be trying to establish a connection and ask someone you just met if they have children. The answer might be “yes” and they will proceed to share all about them. Or, the answer might be “no.” Perhaps they wanted children and couldn’t have them, or perhaps they lost a child. Not only does the conversation die right there, but you have also left them feeling uncomfortable or upset. Instead of asking if they have children, ask them to tell you about their family. Or, just ask them to tell you something about themselves. That way, they can share as much or as little as they want, and you may learn something unique, fun, or inspiring. Be prepared with a follow-up question, such as what they like about their job or what’s the biggest challenge they are facing at the moment.  

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