A Few Good Friends

"This doesn't have anything to do with work!" Yes, it does. Read on.

Loneliness can be a powerful emotion. Loneliness, or the fear of it, can cause us to act in ways that are not entirely rational. During the pandemic, I came across the following meme:

I'm starting to miss people I don't even like.

This didn't resonate with everyone ("Oh, not me, no way!") but I could perceive what the sentiment was addressing. Seeing the same familiar faces at work - whether or not we adore each and every one of them - on a daily basis provides a sense of comfort and familiarity. It's a predictable routine in an otherwise unpredictable world. It's what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi termed as "creating order out of chaos."

I found that I missed our daily stand-up or scrum, which is an essential Agile ceremony. It added a sense of structure to my day. I attempted to re-create it by organizing a "job searching scrum" with former colleagues who were in the same boat; however, not everyone was ready to jump into the job search with both feet. I tried posting my status updates on LinkedIn only to find that without the essential feeling of community, the updates proved flat, stale and unprofitable; I eventually abandoned them.

One aspect of the predictability I alluded to above is knowing how people will show up and react. Meeting rooms, Zoom backgrounds, unique human mannerisms, tone and inflection of speech, what sets people off and what lights a fire in them - regularly scheduled meetings make recognizing and responding to these phenomena a part of our corporate DNA.

In his best-selling book, "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team", Patrick Lencioni's protagonist, Kathryn Petersen defines politics as follows:

Politics is saying or doing something based on how you think the other person is going to react.

She prefaced this statement by observing that her current (dysfunctional) team was "one of the most political teams I have ever seen."

Initially, Kathryn's definition of politics comes across as quite sleazy. Those of us with the core value of 'authenticity' instantly eschew it. "How could anyone act that way? I would never act that way. I always say what I think and my recommendations are in the best interest of the company. My decisions are never influenced by another person's potential reaction. I'm offended that you would even suggest it!"

How true it is that we are quick to condemn in others what we cannot bear in ourselves. Dr. Travis Bradberry touches on this in his area of expertise, Emotional Intelligence, when he analyzes why human beings are irritated by certain stimuli and unfazed by others:

If you spot it, you got it.

One of my mentors, Neil Simpson, CPA , shared a quote from The Office with me:

"I don't have to be liked. I like being liked, I enjoy being liked. But it's not as though I have this compulsive need to be liked, unlike my compulsive need to be praised." -- Michael Scott

Kidding aside, there's a natural desire to feel accepted and included in any workplace. It's particularly important for your manager to like you, or at least be objectively invested in your progress, whether or not they like you personally. I remember once attempting to resolve an issue with a challenging manager. My friend and mentor observed, "It sounds to me as if they just don't like you." This was a wake-up call that made me wonder what I hoped to achieve by remaining at said organization.

It's when business decisions are made with an eye to being liked, accepted and validated (a.k.a. groupthink), instead of focusing on what is best for the business that the situation becomes problematic. This has been particularly important in my profession, Software Quality Assurance, where our role is to ensure that the product built by our colleagues in Development works well for end users in the field.

Which brings me to my original theme: A Few Good Friends.

When I first started my most recent role, I was happy to once again find myself in a functional work environment with pleasant, respectful and co-operative colleagues. I made work my central point of focus. It felt very natural and responsible to prioritize work once I had successfully secured a new position. I could give networking a rest and focus on the task at hand. Logic, code, math and science were easier to handle than (most) humans.

However, I found that de-prioritizing friendships was a mistake. Friends are necessary to retain the objectivity that is so desperately needed in the workplace. Michelle Obama touches on this in both her books "Becoming" and "The Light We Carry". I recollected her mother's advice when Michelle complained of a tussle with her math teacher:

You don't have to like your math teacher and she doesn't have to like you. But she's got math in her head that you need in yours.

Similarly, we may not like all of our colleagues. But they have access to resources we need to get the job done.

Michelle's mother continues:

When you want to be liked, come home. We will always like you here.

The concept of home changes as people age. In "The Light We Carry", Michelle re-defines it as her Kitchen Table. It's essential to cultivate your Kitchen Table group of friends to achieve the healthy balance in life that we're all seeking.

I'm happy to share that I've been using this hiatus from the day job to focus on replenishing the attendees at my Kitchen Table.