Reclaiming Female Sexuality at Work

I am writing this opinion piece to invite a conversation and further insights, especially from the wise mentors we have in our sphere.

My questions are: How can we resolve the cognitive dissonance when it comes to female sexuality in business? Aren't we happy see the beautiful sales reps and business development ladies? What about the alluring selfies over inspirational updates? Well... at least the men seem to really like them! And yet we cannot talk about or acknowledge sexuality as a valid part of everyday affairs (no pun intended). Pretty ladies are a very badly kept secret. This contradiction is interesting to me because of the frequent use of female sexuality in business, while also observing the glass ceiling this produces for these very same women. Can we function while neither repressing or flaunting the naturally alluring aspects of the feminine?

Why is Feminine Sexuality Such a Daunting Topic?

I was raised in 3 very different cultures, but immersed in only one of the major faith traditions and was, in so many words, given the choice between being a Virgin Mary (innocent childlike mother) or a Mary Magdalene (the 'whore'). Much like the choice between heaven and hell, this is not much of a choice at all. There was simply no space for curiosity and natural expression (curious girls were already assigned to the Magdalenes). For all intents and purposes, the women in all three of my cultures or continents were expected to behave as both safely asexual...and yet somehow also sexually desirable?

Seven years ago, I divorced, which put me definitively in the Magdalene camp in religious terms, but which also gave me the space to re-examine the role of sexuality in my life and gender. This was, as you can imagine, this was both absolutely terrifying and also exciting. Since then, both of these volatile emotions have resolved into a deep appreciation and respect for feminine sensuality, which has had a ripple effect into all other arenas of life including my ability to create meaningful projects. It turned out to be a beautifully fulfilling gift! And hopefully by the end of this content, you will see a direct link.

note: I use sexuality and sensuality interchangeably in this context because most Anglophone societies do not differentiate, however these are not the same. Ask the latins.

What is Feminine Sexuality?

In so many global cultures, female sexuality is reduced to a passive role of service and procreation. A successful "love life" is equated with the ability to look pleasing, act pleasing and get pregnant - in relationship to one man (or at least one at a time). The shame put upon women for diverting from this singular task can be paralyzing, with rare exceptions ( I'd like to give a big shout out to the Scandinavians and the Dutch)

In simple terms, women are often expected to be an innocent flower until their wedding day, after which they are expected to magically turn into a private sex goddess by night and virgin mother by day. This of course does not happen, and the conditioning is entirely frustrating for both the men and women in this nonsensical theatre we call "normal life". Most men in my experience, have no idea of the magnitude of the pressure that is put upon women. But you may be asking - what does this have to do with daily life or work?

The fear of uncontrolled female sexuality as 'playing with fire' is pervasive in all contexts and situations. #MikePenceElevatorTemptations. And while there are many cultures that are not this extreme in their conscious opinion, the remnants and undertones are still felt and seen in unconscious scenarios everywhere. We are terrified of what we do not understand.

Ever since the #metoo news stories began hitting the front page, I have observed men either withdrawing from or leaning in towards closer interaction with women. Both reactions are logically understandable, however the more fearful reaction may be linked to the inability to accept feminine sexuality as an ally, and not a threat.

Why do we need Female Sexuality to be expressed?

When we choose a small definition of female sexuality we are entirely missing the essence of what makes life 'juicy' or what makes us feel most alive. We focus on a few small parts (very literally- pun intended) while missing the whole of what this entire feminine sexual/sensual expression is all about! We could benefit from welcoming more of this sensual expression into our lives in a healthy way (caveat; men also have access to this energy and are welcome to use it).

• This is the energetic expression that trusts and flows with the rhythms of nature and gives birth to creations. It is the avid gardener growing vegetables, or a musician evoking an emotion, the painter splashing passion all over her canvas, and the herbalist concocting healing potions. It is the primal life giving force that is able to twist and turn, just as the water flows, into every crack and crevice of the flourishing human experience.
• This is the energetic expression that brings joy and play into our lives. It is when you choose to wear bright colors instead of grey, when you laugh out loud or when you just want to turn up the music and dance. It is a magnetic force declaring - I am life itself!
• This is the energetic expression that is nurturing others and abundant in creating beauty. It is evident when you invite the shy new team member into the room with a smile and a cookie, or when you bring a bouquet of fresh flowers to brighten the day for everyone. It is holding a friend to your chest as they cry. It is a safe harbour for those needing a soft touch or a bit of beauty in the midst of a hard environment.

When we deny a woman the full expression of her sensual nature, (and men as well) there is a cost. You are closing the valve on this life-giving energetic flow. There is a loss of joy, loss of humor, loss of appreciation for beauty and connection, a loss of the relationship to nature itself and of course the loss of a healthy identity and sexual expression when in private. Can you think of a few industries that have lost their sense of humor, creativity and connection to people and nature? Can you think of a few industries where women have not had the ability to express themselves fully? Might they seem a bit frigid to you?

Proposing Some Solutions to the Imbalance

In my mind, it is not so much a ripple effect as the unraveling effect. As we tear down these societal programmes, to examine and choose what world we would like to live in, and who we want to be, I'd love to posit that finding a healthy balance in male/female sensual expression would also contribute to the healing of our cultures and companies. We need to be able to bring our full selves to the table in order to be present with passion. Yes, passion.

1. We need to understand that sensual expression is more like a dimming dial than a light switch, and it does have a place at work. We have only capitalised on the extremes of women using their sexuality as sales bait on commercials everywhere, but there is another way to tap into womens' secret sauce. Female sensuality can make all work situations even more enjoyable/productive. Imagine if you had a team that was highly "tuned in" and caring for one another's holistic fulfillment, or if your office aesthetics and marketing materials were permeated with artistry and beauty. Imagine if every new client were greeted with a warm welcome and a generous laugh. Imagine if your team knew how to work hard, but also joke around while they worked? This is the expression of our full humanity and abundant natures - when we let go of fear of sensual expression.
2. We need to get rid of the idea that men are sexual predators and women are either saints or whores. Curiously, research has proven that if you remove the shame factor in both genders, sexual desire levels are is fact nearly equal, even if the biological triggers are different. This confirms the fact that we are quite simply humans wanting to feel connected to other humans. This is not only natural, it's healthy and refreshing when done with safe boundaries and open dialogue. We can honor that basic need and treat it with acceptance, compassion and humor - and a bit of normalcy. In the workplace we can stop the manichean dichotomy between genders, create basic ground rules for respect, and treat each other as fellow humans. The fake roles are hurting everyone and creating a paranoia around sexual perversion... therefore creating more perversion. What you resist persists.
3. We need to create a safe space for women to express themselves, as themselves. When looking at Hillary Clinton, Christine LaGarde and other hugely successful women, it's easy to notice that they've had to adopt classically male personas to be be respected - Pantsuits-R-Us! It seems that a beautiful woman in a flowing dress is not only passed over for leadership positions, but also considered an target for unsavory intentions. It seems that as soon as a woman starts expressing her full aliveness, joy, playfulness, and femininity; someone wants to pick the flower for themselves, rather than honor its beauty. We need to stop judging emotion, compassion, and caring as "unprofessional" - they are in fact expressions of an emotional maturity, ethics, and an insurance policy against future organisational disasters. We need to have an environment where a woman can smile because she is happy, and touch a colleagues arm simply because she is concerned, whilst not viewing it as a 'green light' for sexual advances - in order words, an environment where joy and nurture are normal. We need to recognize that relationships and trust are the basis of any business deal and should not be glossed over to rush the transactional phase. We need to understand that millennials seek to purchase experiences more than anything, and the beauty, care and artistry that sensual energy brings, are what will create a memorable experience for clients. Whether this beauty take the form of an exquisite meeting table or a warm hug is up to you and your company culture. The limits on the dimmer switch are to be decided and felt ahead of time. Company cultures are trickle-down and the examples are set by the leadership.
4. For me, as a woman, I feel most alive when nurturing people and relationships. I am at my best when creatively inspired, ideas flowing like a firehose. This would have been possible if I had stayed in my tiny Virgin Mary box - always hyper vigilant about my own expression. If I had to remain a perfectly sterile "professional", it would simply feel like a mask, a mere tiny fragment of my fullness. I have to allow myself to live in flow, unhindered. But at the end of the day, I am neither Mary nor Magdalene. I am, like most women, in the middle, and wanting to thrive with all my facets and colors in harmony.

For some of you, the connection between sexuality and the essential skills listed above will be loose. But I can tell you that it's the difference between having a mindset of poverty and abundance- or perhaps the idea that everyday life is to be nourishing and enjoyed. It's the freedom and empowerment to be in the full expression of your innate gifts, as a woman, and the recognition of these gifts as being not only non-threatening in the workplace, but also life giving and essential.