Female Founders, Is Your Empathy Holding You Back? I Can Empathize.

Empathy, the Superheroine

Empathy – three syllables, seven letters, and two-and-a-half million years of history as a distinguishing human characteristic. At least since the dawn of modern gender norms, women have been ascribed superhuman levels of empathy. Unlike males, who supposedly evolved to dominate, women have a gift for putting themselves in others’ shoes that makes them unstoppable as leaders.

Maybe that’s an oversimplification. But science does suggest that women are better empathizers than men. UCLA researchers, for example, have used magnetic imaging to study the differences between the sexes of brain responses to the sight of others in pain. Female subjects in the study showed higher activation in a sensory area of the brain associated with pain than males. Women literally “feel your pain” better than men (sorry, Bill Clinton).

As an entrepreneur, leader, wife, and mom, I know empathy well. I channel it every day. As I’ll explain, empathy is a both a driver of success for my business and a source of deep personal fulfillment. At the same time, empathy is a slippery slope that we women must tread carefully - or turn a blessing into a curse.

Women’s History: Progress Marches On

Why would I say that empathy is a double-edged sword for women, and entrepreneurs? I’m writing this article in March – widely known as Women’s Month in connection with International Women’s Day (IWD) on March 8. In keeping with IWD’s mission to bring people together to celebrate women's achievements, this year’s theme is #ChooseToChallenge.

Why is all this important? Because I choose to challenge your assumptions around empathy. Of the hundreds of pages on the IWD website, only one mentions empathy – not as a feminine trait, but alongside justice, dignity, hope, equality, collaboration, tenacity, appreciation, and respect as one of ten values that guide Women’s Day (which, as noted, belongs to women and men).

Empathy Should be a Choice

My point: empathy matters, but it is not all that matters. It is part of a balance. And when one of the other values is threatened, just dialing up the empathy will not solve the problem. Empathy exercised at everything else’s expense is a liability.

As a female founder who had to fight for a voice, I know this well. I also know that my journey is unique in that empathy is at the heart of what I do. I share my story here to inspire other women to exercise their right to empathize carefully - and also joyfully.

Happiness is a Warm Lead

Why do I care so much about empathy? The story begins with my journey to founding Barney, where my husband and I give sellers and buyers of digital agencies the best M&A representation available. I got into this business to provide my clients with the help I lacked when I was in their shoes. 

Using my knowledge and skills to spare them the pains that I experienced when selling my own business is the best feeling in the world. It’s gratifying because I know what they are going through – I can empathize. My empathy with my clients does two things. First, it uniquely qualifies me to represent them. Second, it satisfies a deep-seated need to help others. On both counts, I owe empathy. Big-time. Empathy is my sales magnet, lead nurturer, and best friend rolled up into one.

Empathy Lesson #1: Exit Through the Gift Shop

This relationship didn’t just fall into my lap. I had to earn it. I didn’t come from money. As the eldest of three siblings growing up in the South, I had to set my own example. There was no model to follow for building and scaling my first company, much less selling it for a 7-figure sum. So when I found myself in this position in my early 20s, I had no idea what to expect. I understood the value of my business, but I was not trained in the art of the deal. My lack of M&A experience made me my own worst enemy.

To make matters worse, my M&A advisor had zero empathy. This character flaw cost me precious time and money and was detrimental to my mental well-being. The whole relationship just revolved around money, getting the biggest cut possible, and closing the transaction. My needs were irrelevant.

Investing in legitimate legal representation seemed unnecessary and even extravagant, so I opted out. I walked away with more money than I’d ever seen and even retained some equity. Everything was hunky-dory – until the buyers phased me out of the business.

Thanks to my lack of representation, I lost out on boatloads of money. Much worse, though, I lost my certainty. It felt like the ground would open up and swallow me and my hard-earned wealth at any moment. 

That was my first round of education in empathy. I decided to help others in my situation make better choices – to become the advocate who fights for sellers every step of the way. In particular, I wanted to work with female founders. I understood their challenges and would make sure they got what was rightfully theirs. Experience was my secret weapon and empathy was fuel for my inner fire.

Empathy Lesson #2: Find Your Niche

Then came my second exit. It wasn’t as exciting as the first. My husband and I had already started the company while we were selling the first one. I was exhausted, burnt out, and a new mom when we went to market. To dampen the mood even more, the earn-out terms were underwhelming and we had to sign a brutal non-compete agreement. I felt lost and uncertain.

Those are minor complaints, and in the end, we made a successful exit. Along the way, though, we learned a hard lesson: M&A advisors did not understand digital business models. They were clueless.

If you’re a brick and mortar business, your assets are in plain sight to brokers. Tech companies are a different breed. A Silicon Valley firm with an IPO is one thing, but a digital agency with few tangible assets? Never mind that you’re “only” making $2–$20 million in annual revenue – as far as the M&A industry is concerned, you don’t exist. You might as well be smoke and mirrors.

You don’t need a degree in business to see the opportunity here. As we struggled to find adequate representation, my husband and I learned to empathize with digital agency owners everywhere. In the process, we discovered the niche of a lifetime.

Empathy Lesson #3: Dreamers and Doers

I’ve shown you how empathy has shaped my journey as a female founder. It continues to do so today as my husband and I deliver on our promise to “fix” an M&A system that’s broken for digital agency sellers and buyers.

Building our business together at Barney, day by day, deal by deal, is a job in its own right. Entrepreneurship attracts strong personalities, and my husband and I are a study in contrasts. He is the dreamer, I am the doer. He has the ideas, I execute on them (daily from 4 a.m. onwards, but that’s another story).

You would think these opposite working styles would strain our relationship, and they certainly bring challenges. Ultimately, though, they are the glue that holds us together. Are there hard days? You bet. But we need each other, and our business needs us both.

Living our passion together takes transparency and respect. By empathizing and making communication a priority, we avoid unnecessary conflict.  At the same time, we have to be honest with each other when something isn’t working in our business. This is where empathy ends and action has to begin. One or both of us has to step up and solve the problem.

Emotional intelligence is great, but will it change a light bulb? Build an email list? All the empathy in the world has not yet stopped discriminatory hiring practices or gotten women equal pay with men. Empathy may be part of the solution, but if it’s just talk, it can also be part of the problem. Especially when it’s used to silence women entrepreneurs.

The Takeaway

So, how much sympathy should we as female founders have for empathy? Is it a strength, and one that we can and should leverage? Yes, yes, and yes. But we must demand no less of the men in our lives. Otherwise our empathy will be our downfall.

In short: women, if empathy is your strength, I see you. I can empathize. But don’t let your superpower be your kryptonite. Empathy, after all, is no substitute for equality – just ask Superwoman.