Feeling stuck? You just need to go inward.

My husband and I had a disagreement last week.

He was feeling sick with the flu (which I had had a few days prior) and it was bad. He had blocked sinuses, was coughing up his lungs every few minutes, and feeling exhausted.

All around awfulness and a lot of fatigue.

He told me that he was feeling bad and that he had to be careful for it not to get worse, because he had a history of sicknesses snowballing into worse symptoms when they dragged on.

And I kept barking at him to have a positive mindset and think positive thoughts.

Needless to say, he didn’t appreciate it…and things got a bit spicy?

Yes, I know now that my delivery wasn’t great and he was looking for empathy and validation on how terrible he felt. Nul point for Kat.

But the reality is, whilst my delivery should have been softer and we all deserve to feel empathy in our suffering, I stand by the message I meant to convey:

(Even if I didn’t say it as well as I should have…)

Your mindset - your thoughts - your language about yourself - is of CRITICAL importance.

Because in all my 15+ years of behavioral science experience, working with the subconscious mind, healing myself from anorexia, doing endless retreats, working with endless coaches, investing into this arena of my life…AND in being a regional VP for a global behavioral science firm…

I know that whilst it might sound trite to say ‘positive mindset’ is important bla bla bla

It is actually true.

More true than you think.

In fact, even as I am an expert in this already and have helped over 100 clients break through their blocks and level up…

I STILL invest into this for myself, each month, and I still practise what I teach my own clients daily.

(And in fact just two weeks ago, I paid $700 for one hour of coaching with a mindset expert out of Australia who told me pretty much exactly what I teach my clients).

I’ve known this for many, many years:

Your mindset dictates your results.

And not just your ‘mindset’ in that … typical coaching way.

I don’t just mean your thoughts or what you’re visualising.

This is more than that.

What I mean is, the fundamental, deep-seated, root cause, CORE beliefs you have about yourself.

Those that are deeply lodged inside of you, at your core, and have been lodged inside of you since you were a small child and your brain was forming.

Those beliefs, shaped by your childhood experiences, throughout the years have snowballed into even bigger beliefs, world views, and ideologies about HOW life is…and WHAT your life is like.

And unless you’re currently earning the income you’ve always wanted, have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of, the delicious intimate life, the incredible health, and are feeling 100% on top of the world at least most of the time…

You can bet that you’re going to have certain beliefs that are blocking your success - and health - and capacity to have a wonderful relationship.

And the really important thing to know is that your subconscious brain, where all of your beliefs live, is directly responsible for dictating what you see and experience on the outside world.

It started as a child, and it’s been snowballing and compounding year on year into your adulthood.

That’s because your Reticular Activating System (RAS) in your brainstem acts as a gatekeeper, filtering what information gets through to your conscious awareness.

Every single second of the day, you are bombarded with millions of pieces of sensory data? - but your RAS only lets in what aligns with your beliefs.?

Which then gives you evidence - so you have cognitive bias that what you believe, is TRUE.

Which makes your RAS give you more of it.

And, your RAS was shaped and informed by those beliefs from your childhood - so what you believe to be true is going to be so fixed in your world view that you probably don’t even see it anymore (it’s ‘you’).

You can see this playing out in real life.

For example:

• If you’re thinking about buying a red car, suddenly you see red cars everywhere - even though they were always there
• If you believe “I never get what I want”, your RAS filters out opportunities that contradict that belief. So you’ve probably felt frustrated most of your life, and always unable to get what you really want - the income, the job, the relationship.
• If you believe “Abundance is everywhere”, your RAS actively spots financial opportunities that align with this. You’ve probably been pretty wealthy and abundant your whole life and money comes to without even trying.?

And, logically, if you believe that you're someone who gets sick, or has health issues, then your RAS is going to hunt out reasons to get sick.?

And since your brain literally controls your body chemistry, you definitely do NOT want your brain thinking, ‘YES M’AAM, let’s make this body sick’.

(At least I don’t).

Similarly, if you, from childhood, were conditioned into the belief that you're not good enough or you’re somehow not worthy (which most of us will have had to an extent)...

Then your RAS is going to be finding evidence and data points, outside there in the external world, to prove you are unworthy.

For me, this belief would show up throughout my life in different ways.

One was in making me paranoid about my weight and capacity to fit in with other women (classic teenage girl). So I became anorexic in my teens, and thus, because my RAS was looking for reasons I am unworthy even though I’d lost the weight, when I became exiled by other women (because they thought I was weird) my belief that I was unworthy was confirmed, because no one wanted to be my friend.?

So I further isolated myself, became MORE anorexic, and the problem got worse.

Equally, when I was in my previous relationship, I believed that I was unworthy of having a healthy, happy thriving marriage…so lo and behold, my RAS drew me to someone who was avoidant and not interested in the level of intimacy and connection that I was, directly making me live out a reality where I felt neglected and sad, confirming my belief that I was somehow ‘unworthy’ of love.?

Can you see how your subconscious decides what you focus on (being unworthy, being sick, not having enough money, whatever it might be), and that focus shapes your reality?

Because then you start to behave in ways that actually, ironically make these very things true for you?

So when my husband is hacking up his lungs and worrying about being sick, of course I started to think, crikey, let’s not have his RAS make that happen!?

(Again, my delivery should have been better ??)?

Now, how does this work for me as a Relationship Coach who helps people have better relationships?

Well, first of all, learning how to master your RAS and your mindset is absolutely imperative if you want to have a healthy, happy relationship with your spouse.

Because most people are floating around out there full of terrible beliefs like:

“I can’t trust people”, and “I will be betrayed”, and “I am alone” and “I will be abandoned” or “I will be trapped”...

…and then they find themselves feeling bad in their marriage, and wondering why.

So to tackle all of these, we have to start with YOU.

Yes, YOUR relationship with YOURSELF and help you learn how to identify what your RAS is doing, connect with it, and change it on that subconscious level.

All of this demands a very good relationship with yourself, which is where I come in.

Second of all, whilst I am Gottman institute trained, and have tons of fantastic tools to help couples reconnect like Imago Dialogue and others, in my experience, none of these work all that much if your internal wiring isn’t working for you.

At least, not quickly.?

So I prefer to focus on helping folks build their relationship up with themselves first, heal their wiring, make it work for them (i.e. get rid of those pesky limiting beliefs and blocks) and THEN integrate strategies to enhance their relationship.

And the beautiful thing of doing it this way is that when you master your mindset and get rid of those awful blocks, you actually, inadvertently, improve EVERY other aspect of your life too.

Which is why when I help folks improve their relationship to themselves, they suddenly start making more money, having better health outcomes, feeling better, feeling happier, and so on.

It’s all interconnected - because it all starts with your RAS and what’s going on for you at that deeper, subconscious level.

Aka. What do you believe about yourself, your life, and your outcomes?

Now - whilst a lot of coaching Gurus out there will tell you that ‘affirmations’ and ‘journaling’ are enough to make you ‘rewire your brain’...

They aren’t.

Sadly, it’s not that simple.

I wish it was. Then my job would be obsolete and I’d probably have rewired my brain to be a natural multi-gazillionaire sipping pina coladas on a beach.

Instead, you need more fulsome techniques. Yes, you need the help of a certified coach like myself to perform light hypnosis on you most likely. You will also need to learn somatic experiencing, subconscious mind hacking, and brain reconditioning practices.?

You can learn these and apply them yourself though, which makes the whole thing much faster and more fun.

You can learn all of this stuff really fast, in fact. A single block can disappear in 21 days, science shows.

So why not start taking back control over your life and tackling this once and for all?

Because more strategies or podcasts aren’t really going to help you here (unless it’s my podcast, and then I’ll likely tell you to go do the reconditioning work on a deeper level).

So if you want help with this, which is my zone of genius, then drop me a DM.

I have lots of ways I can help you, ranging from 90 day engagements to 1 year long deep dives.

You can learn more here: www.successfullyinlovewithlife.com?

And then drop me a message. I’d love to help you too.