Feeling: Lost - and how to find your way...

Have you ever felt lost? Maybe you know someone who is? Perhaps they're just drifting through each day on auto-pilot with little passion or purpose; lacking meaningful connections and relationships; having suffered the loss of a loved one, or friend? Feeling overwhelmed with things to do, or just with information overload; lacking focus; or dealing with a break-up. Urgh, it's tiring just typing about it! There are so many reasons people may feel lost. I have.

Each month, I'm writing about things I'm thinking, feeling, saying and doing. My thinking post for January is here (strategic thinking). Today, on a completely different tack I'm reflecting upon when I've felt lost. Sometimes, it's been really tough to handle and I haven't always handled it the right way, in the moment. However, with reading, learning from mistakes, support and practice, I have been able to reflect and summarize the things that have worked for me.

So, if you're feeling lost or know someone who is, here are some things that may help in finding the way:

1. Acceptance: Firstly, accept that it’s ok. It may suck- yes, but it’s ok. It’s a feeling and you feel that way for a reason. Sometimes it may be upsetting, other times feel like a gut ache, or just being confused and lethargic. However it feels at the time, accept it, spend two minuted taking some deep breaths to create some space and tell yourself it is a feeling, it doesn't define who you are, it’s temporary and won’t last forever.
2. Call a Time Out: if you’re really down in the dumps your head may be spinning a web of thoughts and assumptions. These thoughts make things feel worse than reality. They can leave you feeling numb. Regardless of what stage you're at in this process, take a time out. Literally. Get up, go for a walk around the block / neighborhood, or a jog, head out and grab a coffee- whatever, just change the scene. While you’re at it, put on some upbeat music or your favorite comedian, or send a quick message to a good friend.
3. Reconnect: reconnect with positive energy givers- friends & family who are empathetic and a positive influence in your life. These type of friends (and I’m lucky I have a bunch) help you rise above, not sink below the situation. They understand you, listen and support but also hold you accountable (not allowing you to wallow in your own mud and playing too much of the victim). They hold onto their opinion not telling you what you “should” do, unless you ask (listen for the word should- it represents what they would do, not necessarily what you would do). If you feel like you have too many surface level connections, or distractors (always available for a drink and a fun time but don’t know the whole you) - and there's a time and a place for both - make the effort to surround yourself by other, more positive people, or be brave enough to reconnect with an old friend who really does know you. True friends will always be available.
4. Re-Focus: the more you think about feeling lost, the more lost you will feel. So, taking a few steps forward every day can help you focus your mind on more positive things. I have a short term and long term combo-punch here, both of which require you writing them down. Not only does writing something make it more real, it also serves the purpose of un-cluttering you head. When you’re lost- that’s a big help as it saves some band-width for finding your way again! a) Short term focus- every morning write down- 3 things you are grateful for, 3 things that would make the day great. I keep a journal by my bed for this reason. I’ve also used phone Aps in the past too. Whatever works best for you - it’s 5 minutes well spent! b) Longer term focus - Tim Ferris (The Four Hour Work Week) calls this “dream-lining”. What are some dreams you have - experiences to try, challenges to overcome, destinations to visit, things you’d like to have? Keep a dream page somewhere in a journal or in the notes on your phone. Record them and add to them as you think of new dreams. Then, on a weekly basis and at the end of each week list 3 things you can do the next week to get one step closer. For example: one of my dreams is to own a warm weather winter destination, so I can escape the north east winters and ride my Harley more often! It's not a reality right now (hence why its a dream) but some small steps include: researching different places online, speaking with friends about warm weather recommendations, coming up with criteria for living there, planning a few trips, working out financial implications, etc, etc. Each step has some smaller ones to it. The key is that you tackle even the smallest of steps, each week. I'm on my first trip down to Savannah on February 1st!
5. Take Control: the reality is, some reasons we feel lost may be within our spheres of control or influence, others not. For example, if you lost a loved one, there is nothing you can do about it. You can only control how you react to it - largely going through the grieving process. If you’re going through a break-up or disconnection in a relationship, you can’t change the other person, you can only choose how you interact with them and how you behave generally in the situation, in line with your principles. As hard as it is and for whatever the reason, we have to acknowledge what it is that’s making us feel lost, accept it (don't just try to ignore it) and let go overtime as best we can of the factors we can’t control, while focusing on those we can.
6. Guarantee Fun: look, I know this may sound insensitive or feel unrealistic when you’re feeling lost but it’s not, believe me. It might be the most important thing you can do, so guarantee to yourself every week that at least once a week, you will do something fun- something for you. Yes I know: work; kids; house; bills; groceries - there’s just not enough time in the week. I get it but sorry- I’m calling BS. It’s your life, so you make time. If it's too overwhelming to work out how (to carve out the time), rather write down what things you enjoy. What’s really fun to you? For example, I play pool once a week with some friends. I'm no pro but it’s fun, good competition with great company. If you can’t think of anything (seriously?) think back to when you were a kid, what did you enjoy then? Do your best to re-create it. For example, if you liked playing tag - what was it about that you enjoyed. I'm not expecting you to round up a group of friends in the office and play tag (albeit, that could actually be quite fun and good team-building with the right parameters)! Was it the competition, the agility, the quick-switch between evading and attacking? A number of sports offer these characteristics (Tag / Flag Rugby being one I have to drop in, of course). For example, last year I purchased an art pad, some pencils and paint and painted something. It's on my wall at home. Every time I look at it, it reminds me that I'm still rubbish at art (which makes me smile) but that I enjoyed creating it and it means something to me, so it was fun experience that keeps on giving!
7. Be Active & Healthy: this is another one that may sound obvious yet hard to motivate yourself to do when you’re feeling lost. Perhaps it’s easier to mope around and eat pizza. Maybe, but guaranteed if you do that too many times, you will feel worse - more sluggish both mentally and physically - guess what, slippery slope in the wrong direction! Again, being active and eating well is part of rising above. Exercising isn’t just a distraction- as we likely all know there are a number of physical and psychological benefits we gain from staying active, one major one being having more energy. Obviously there are different benefits from the meditative effects of yoga vs taking a 25 mile bike ride but it’s not so much what you do, as doing something that works for you. Try a few things out. I do different types of exercise for different reasons and like having a mix. Nutrition wise, the basic rule I stick to I'm guessing ~80% of the time at the market is avoiding as many things as possible in a box. So, that means for the most part I buy lots of meat and veggies- especially green ones! Because of that I don’t have to check too many labels but when I do, I try to limit sodium to reasonable levels and look for things like the sugar to protein ratio on Greek yoghurt for instance (former less than latter). Most people don't have to over think this stuff, others need to be more careful. You Dr. can advise you which category you are in! Generally, as a result of regular exercise and eating decently well, I naturally have good energy levels, which helps me focus on productive things to go-forward a little every day, when I'm feeling lost.
8. Call a Professional: if a combination of some or all of the above isn’t working, it might be worth seeking professional advice. I’ve worked with life coaches and psychologists for different periods of time over the last 8 years- both have been helpful. It’s pretty comforting to know that someone is there to listen to you and ask you questions- providing support with 100% of their energy while you’re with them. Clearly, you have to pay for it but with psychologists many are covered pretty well through health insurance (for our U.S. audience - so long as they're "in network")! I simply see professionals as part of my ongoing support team for which I’ve never quite had a full roster but maintained just enough team members to keep me on track. Don’t be shy, give it a try & see what works best for you.

We all feel lost at times. It's part of being human in the crazy-busy, information-overloaded world we live in. So, hopefully some of the tactics I have highlighted can be helpful to you and others too, so you never have to stay lost, for too long.

For 2018 I’m writing about things I’m thinking, feeling, saying and doing - and why - whether in the present or from the past. This makes my writing real and relevant (to me at least) as a way to refine and process my thoughts. I hope also it’s an easy, engaging & meaningful resource for you that could even save you some time & energy if you’re in a similar situation. Professionally, I'm working towards achieving long-term sustainable impact through Play Rugby USA & Vita Sports Partners. Personally to be free to be me - my best self. The motivation for all my endeavors is to inspire people to live life with vitality & purpose. Please reach out to learn more or to get involved. 

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@MarkGriffRugby @VitaSportUSA @PlayRugbyUSA

#Neverstop #ElevateHumanity #GoForwardTogether #FeelingLost #Riseabove