Feeling 30 years of emotions in 24 months: living from epidemic to pandemic

The pandemic has become a double whammy for an older generation of LGBTQIA+ people who went through the AIDS crisis. For many that crisis started for them in the early 1980s. It has killed a disproportionate number of people who otherwise, statistically, had years or decades to live. The stigma has never left: there are many who, today, cannot donate blood, regardless of HIV status if they self-identify as Gay/Bisexual.

There are now effective treatments to offer long-term life to HIV+ people and make infection preventable through not only sexual abstinence and physical barriers to the transfer of body fluids, but the nearly 100% effective use of PrEP (a type of oral medication taken according to a strict regimen). However the moral issues (general societal condemnation and punishment for behaviors, actions and attitudes around getting/being infected) regarding how infection is spread and who is affected by HIV/AIDS have not changed much. In 1981 and for years afterwards, it was unclear exactly how it was spread, who was susceptible, and was this syndrome traceable to a single virus. Was it airborne? Was it in saliva and tears as well? How long would it be viable to infect someone outside of the body when exposed to air? light? heat? We learned, begrudgingly, and maddeningly slowly, all about it. And finally, in 2022, there is a vaccine in clinical trials from Moderna that looks promising because it can manage to effectively work against the rapid and wildly different mutations that are a hallmark of this virus' stubborn insistence on surviving and spreading.

However, as of 2020, everyone, everywhere, is facing the COVID-19 pandemic. Panic, now worldwide, arises, from the same unknowns: no one knows how it spreads at first, and how far it can go; How it can mutate; whether it will be just as deadly with each mutation; what's the best prevention and treatment; what will be the long-term effects on people.

We are, in early 2022, massively ahead of the game we faced 30 years ago. But, thankfully, it doesn't carry the same moral judgement as getting an STI, or HIV/AIDS, where sexual activity and use of needles in drug use tips the scale against caring for "those sick/bad people".

So where does that leave the person who first-hand lived through the AIDS crisis at high-risk or infected, or facing the moral backlash because of the perception of being of that group, regardless of being HIV positive or negative, and is now facing the COVID-19 pandemic? Speaking personally, it's deja-vu in many ways, and revives many traumatic memories. My LGBTQIA+ peers in age remember it well. Do war fighters who go on multiple tours of duty feel this way? Is there a special bond and concern they feel for those who also have gone through that particular experience?

The overriding key to the success of my work as a facilitator, coach, trainer, or project leader is to give people the safety and security to be creators, inventors, discoverers, explorers, more effective team members, better and healthier people. First. Not workers, or employees, or students. I personally care more about them being better people in all of their life than just at work. But the pandemic has forced the issue of how to pull off the layers of fear, anxiety, anger, and destructive projections of doom and failure. And I am also in a mostly #WFH 24/7 remote environment, distanced physically more than not and dependent on technology, with all of its limitations.

Some people do quite well. Some do not do as well, and need more attention and help. And I am trying to get to the root causes that get in the way, one of which I believe is a particular issue or emotional state that is probably invisible to many and has come to my attention because of my life history and when I work with fellow LGBTQIA+ people in particular.

For those who lived through both the HIV/AIDS epidemic's worst (and long) history and the 24 months or so that we can mark as the COVID pandemic times here is my observation, informed by my own experience and bias, but nonetheless, I have discussed this with other colleagues (facilitators, coaches, and some therapists) with a reasonable amount of confirmation:

The emotional life of this group (myself included) throughout the pandemic has been influenced by the memories of the negative feelings (anxieties, fears, regrets, losses) that we felt in relation the the epidemic over 30 years. They are now recalled and overlayed onto our emotional reactions to this pandemic.

That's 30 years of negative emotions compressed and recalled in 24 months.

Our present emotions can be merged with and amplified by those of the past. For example; we are reliving being unable to visit loved ones in the hospital, or wearing HAZMAT suits and no contact allowed; being told to avoid intimate contact in person, particularly without testing and knowing viral status; having to report our health status for travel. So, we can have extremely inappropriate emotions to common situations, if they trigger that trauma. And I am on the lookout for that, whether it's my private coaching client who is 70 and is gay or someone I know nothing about in a corporate town hall meeting online. Or when I go into the subway system in NYC and see people without masks on while Omicron is running rampantly through the city.

Is it a kind of PTSD? That may be a glib labeling, but I can say that I have often seen extremely strong reactions to situations that seem extreme, particularly if they seem overly cautious and self-protective, mixed with displays of anger, indignation, snarky finger-wagging. This could be easy to address in a one-to-one situation, but become explosive when it shows up in online group posts, a Zoom meeting, and certainly a room full of people who have only started to convene in person now, after many months of social distancing.

If you notice someone reacting with an extremely high level of anxiety to the dangers of exposure to COVID, acknowledge those feelings. Offer all the alternatives you can, without judgement, to give them the degree of safety and security they need. But consider the full person's life history, their sense of social integration and how welcome they feel to bring their full self to the space (online or off), and whether or not they are even aware of how their emotional reaction is being judged or responded to by others.

With years of social rejection coming from the HIV/AIDS crisis, there is an established pattern of "hiding in plain sight" that is not too difficult for many of the generation of LGBTQIA+ people I am part of to practice. The pandemic has added another layer of distance from true visibility/presence for everyone with a green screen or blurred background on Zoom or Teams, regardless of sexual orientation or other differentiator.

These times require the greatest level of emotional intelligence, empathy and compassion being the most important as the starting place to support the well-being of everyone we live, work, and play with.

The invisible differences that make anyone feel like "those other people" do not necessarily need to be called out and named as the way to remedy the suffering. But acknowledging there is something behind the "bigger than is warranted" reaction does start to make the space safer. Many people cannot do that for themselves. Practicing emotional intelligence for work and life will help us all get over COVID.

#emotionalintelligence #coaching #selfcare #mindfullness #thefutureofwork #LGBTQIA+ #facilitation #leadership