Feedback: Are We Training for the Wrong Skills?

20 years of experience in the Human Resources field. 20 years where “Feedback" remains a trend topic.

In every workplace I've been a part of, the need for training, counseling, or coaching on feedback has been evident. Even as an employee, I've undergone various training sessions on this subject, all aimed at preparing us to provide (and receive) solid, constructive feedback.

However, despite these efforts, the majority of individuals still struggle when it comes to giving feedback. Even when it is a positive one.

Recently, while working on my new project—an app for conflict management in the workplace—I received feedback from potential clients about the first tests. Unsurprisingly, 90% of the workplace conflicts they reported were directly or indirectly related to issues with feedback.

We're familiar with the key principles of effective feedback: focusing on specific situations, sticking to the facts, not to the opinions/perceptions/adjectives, clarifying the impact of those facts, maintaining a forward-thinking mindset, showing kindness and respect, giving time and space for the other to digest and confirm understanding, and committing to next steps.

The recipe is there. Nevertheless, why can’t we use it properly?

My conclusion thus far is that while we have access to a variety of tools and literature on how to give effective feedback, our biggest challenge is: we don’t know how to manage OUR OWN reactions and emotions during these interactions.

There are various reasons when our emotions take the lead fogging our capacity to act:

• We fear disappointing others or dealing with them being sad with us.
• We are too unsettled, and speaking the truth, angry, furious to provide feedback without getting into being offensive.
• We are anxious about not being able to handle the other’s reactions, so we avoid conflict.
• We believe that if we acknowledge the other’s good work, for an unknown reason (at least consciously) we will be losing power, enabling the individual to feel strong enough to confront us, etc.

In the end, "we" are the biggest challenge in providing feedback.

Therefore, besides training in the step by step, we must train on how to assess our internal feelings and why they come into place. Understand the reason why we take it so gravely that it looks more like a battle rather than an adult conversation.

Specially considering that indeed, feedback is a conversation about something a person does, not about what a person is.

And it is true, we won’t be able to manage the outcomes, the reactions of the other. This is part of the game, though. It is time for us to recognize that things can go south sometimes and, you know what? We all survive to that.

Nevertheless, there is one piece of it you can fairly control: yourself. If you are out of your centre, don’t provide feedback. If you keep the anger feeling for longer, work on why are you taking this so emotionally, if this is just one fact, one situation among the millions of others you will fortunately live during your life. It is not a matter of life and death. Remember, life is not happening at you, it is happening for you. Learn with that.

And let the feedback shine, but not for its absence.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend ahead.