The Feedback Loop!

Here is an example -

It is a rainy day, accompanied by the customary power cut and a ‘chutti’ call from the maid.

I manage to run the entire morning routine on the backup power. I get the kids ready, get the lunch boxes ready, water the indoor plants, and plan for the dinner. Plus, last-minute homework also gets wrestled in between. Finally, I am sitting on the breakfast table with the Avocado toasts and my triumphant smile, feeling proud of my crisis management skills.

Enter: my husband, he grabs a toast and tells me I should have toasted it 30 seconds more. The kids start to shout as that they are getting late. They grab a toast and put their bags in the car. As parting remarks, he tells me that it is not good for the kids to stand and eat. I should prioritize their breakfast. As a reflex-action, I tell him – “It’s a bad day. I expect help, not a lecture on such occasions. “

Both of us, despite all the efficiency, do not leave for work very happy.

This is a simple conversation in many households. The feedback was clear. The toast was not crisp. Yes, it is not good for the kids to stand and eat. But where is the problem in this constructive feedback?

1. Expectation mismatch

I was expecting an appreciation for my crisis management skills. I had managed the show single-handed. On the other side, my hubby dear felt that is anyway my strength. There is no need to mention it daily. What needs improvement is the toast crispness and kids’ discipline. And his public feedback will help me fix that.

The same is true in every team, in every project. We do not communicate enough. The expectations and the moods are not known on either side. Over-communication is always good.

We all are very miserly in sharing genuine praise. As humans, we need positive stroke to keep moving forward. Every small good work should be appreciated in public and every negative feedback to be given in a closed room.

2. What is the feedback vs Who is giving the feedback?

The feedback was about toast. But my problem was with the person giving the feedback. Since he had not helped me in the morning chores, I felt he is not entitled to give any feedback.

Just like a bad boss, who never reviews the code but still on the day of release has some pointed observations and comments.

The best way is to focus on the facts, the intension, and the common goal and based on them, act on the feedback. NEVER judge the feedback based on the person’s contribution or capability. Just like we do not judge the utility of the gift by the nature of the person giving it to you.

3. Mixing two issues or problem and as a result not solving any

It was a mad morning. Some appreciation and help would have made me feel much better. So, my issue of appreciation and help is - issue no. 1.

Crisp toast is a separate matter. For a perfectionist and a foodie, it’s a criminal act not to toast the bread to perfection. Plus, the commotion from the kids added to the situation. The crispiness of the toast is - issue no. 2.

As the receiver of the feedback ideally, I should have kept two issues separate. Dealt with one at a time. The result would have been much better. As always, I mixed up the two and did not solve them either.

In a manager-team situation, we mix salary-hike, promotion, and low productivity altogether. The result is a highly unhappy situation for the manager as well as the employee.

Not so useful feedback

There are times when the feedback is not so useful. Especially when I am trying to change a pattern or want to do something new or new or venture in the unknown, the people close to me get worried /uncomfortable with the change. They use a lot of subversive feedback coupled with emotional drama to protect their believes. It is packed with data points and pestering. Sorry, Mom for writing this in public. But whenever I wear a western dress, I get a huge lecture that how saree is the only power dressing piece of clothing and I cannot look classy and senior without it.

Initially, I tried all arguments with her. Now I just hug her and tell her that my dress alone does not define my value system. I am her daughter and will always carry her values irrespective of my clothing style. And give her a big hug. Trust me, it works better than all data points and studies that I have discussed in the past.

Not at all useful feedback

This is a very difficult space. This feedback comes from people who do not have any interest in my wellbeing. They have their own reasons for hate and are out in open to aggressively wage a war. I am a third world gender empowerment champion and I receive lots of public criticism, hate messages, and trolling for supporting women in advancing their careers. The argument most haters use that is- Urban women do not need help. If you are genuine in your intention, help the poor. Initially, I tried explaining, it failed. I even tried being off social media for some time.

I the end I learned to ignore them and move forward with full confidence and believe in my mission.

What I have learned (after multiple screwups) is that If we treat feedback as a gift and accept it with same grace, life is much better. I agree that the gift is very useful sometimes, not so useful sometimes and even malicious at times. The challenge is now with the receiving party, as to how to handle the gift.

Let’s Bucket the feedback in 3 compartments to decode it.

PS: Giving such candid feedback to your wife can be life-threatening. My husband is making Avocado toast all by himself from that day onwards. I recommend people not to try such stunts at home.

PS: “Am I looking fat” is a question that is qualified only for appreciation. Please bookmark that as well. No other rule discussed above is applicable to that question.

PS: If you want to read the genesis of this article please click here.