Feedback with Heated Emotions
Sometimes, feedback gets heated. Sometimes, feedback gets emotional. How can you prepare to have conversations with tensions?
There are entire courses and books on de-escalation tactics available for an in-depth look at this topic. Crucial Conversations is one of my favorite models for handling challenging talks. Here are a few practical steps that you can use to de-escalate heated conversations.
First, de-escalate yourself. Whether you are giving or receiving feedback, if a situation escalates, it is natural for you to mirror the emotions of the others in the room. Take a moment, breathe, control your emotions, and de-escalate yourself before you try to de-escalate anyone else. Relax your body language, unlock your jaw, unclench your fists, and adjust your physical position to appear non-threatening. De-escalate yourself first.
Then, listen. Genuinely and sincerely listen. Don't listen for a response or defense; listen for understanding. Listen. Listen. Listen.
Another tool for de-escalation is, when appropriate, to sincerely apologize. There is nothing more disarming than a sincere apology. Let's be honest: are you more upset that the waiter messed up your order at the restaurant or the fact that they weren't bothered that they messed up your order? Imagine how far a sincere apology can go.
You may also consider what you can change in action. Sometimes, this can be as simple as a response stating, "Wow, I had no idea that you felt that way; I will consider that next time and do this instead." This reiterates that their frustration has been heard and that you take their feedback seriously with a commitment to action.
Sometimes, we can predict when a conversation will become heated; other times, a conversation will become heated without notice. In either case, here's what I want you to do: first, take a breath to calm yourself and listen.
Another tool for de-escalation is, when appropriate, to sincerely apologize. There is nothing more disarming than a sincere apology. Let's be honest: are you more upset that the waiter messed up your order at the restaurant or the fact that they weren't bothered that they messed up your order? Imagine how far a sincere apology can go.
You may also consider what you can change in action. Sometimes, this can be as simple as a response stating, "Wow, I had no idea that you felt that way; I will consider that next time and do this instead." This reiterates that their frustration has been heard and that you take their feedback seriously with a commitment to action.
Sometimes, we can predict when a conversation will become heated; other times, a conversation will become heated without notice. In either case, here's what I want you to do: first, take a breath to calm yourself and listen.
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