Feedback is a Gift

It’s incredibly common to hear the phrase “Feedback is a gift” while walking the halls of our LinkedIn offices or while attending a meeting within our company. What’s equally common among professionals across a wider variety of companies and organizations is something I have done far more than I wish to admit. Frequently as well intended people who care about our relationships with others, we offer feedback and deliver it in terms that are general, opaque, and watered down with niceties. Our attempts are honorable. We aim to build people up around us, share helpful observations, and inform people of their blind spots while also offering praise when it’s due! But despite our best intentions, we sometime create quite the opposite impact as a result.

Why is it that when we are extending ourselves in such a selfless way in an attempt to serve another, that we sometimes create a negative impact? Does this risk hold us back from giving feedback when it’s most needed? What are the consequences when we omit deserved feedback, both good and bad? These are just some of the questions many I work closely with have been spending time and energy thinking about recently. As we practice elevating our feedback giving abilities more frequently, the quality of feedback grows, the impact improves, and the relationships built on a culture of trust, honesty, transparency, and condor flourish.

Below are a few learnings about delivering feedback in such a way that is truly becomes a gift, rather than empty affirmation or general criticism that leaves the recipient confused:

• Keeping it simple – Many moments occur where multiple topics are blended, creating confusion and complication. This is a reasonable thing with the busy and hectic schedules we all manage and the brief moments we must work together to accomplish fantastic outcomes. The cost of blending multiple topics together in the context of providing feedback, however, is that without simplicity and focus, the takeaway becomes lost in the pile of items being discussed. The most effective feedback, positive or critical, comes with a simple message and simple words. Recently, I was coaching an individual on how they can better manage up within a project they are pursing and the individual I was meeting with was voicing their hesitation and concern about “taking time” from the senior leader they were seeking to collaborate with. I wanted to give them the feedback that they were lacking confidence unfairly, so I shared this simple bit of feedback with them: “You are someone that [the senior leader] wants to spend more time with for the sake of their own success. When you focus on “not wasting their time” rather than the insights and questions you have for them, you put their confidence in you at risk. You have information and a point of view they value, so focus on that instead.” ?This was my attempt at providing very simple feedback, that I hope was a gift.
• Avoid gimmicks that bury the message – All of us have felt compelled to give someone we care about, critical feedback. It’s very hard to do, especially when we are afraid of hurting feelings, damaging a relationship, and ruffling feathers. So what do we do? We sandwich the criticism between positive remarks, niceties, and other euphemisms that bury the message. Later down the line, we grow frustrated and more critical when the behavior hasn’t changed – and who’s to blame? I suggest it’s the person who failed to deliver helpful feedback. When we offer a comment like “You’re doing great with XYZ but you need to be stronger in ABC” we accomplish 2 undesirable things. We put the other person’s trust in our authenticity at risk, and we risk giving them feedback they become defensive about. A double miss! When we keep in mind that great relationships are built on trust, we can leverage this timeless value as our greatest tool in delivering helpful feedback others can use to improve. Not long ago, I was able to give a person whom I work very closely with, some challenging feedback. I knew they were already lacking patience and confidence in this area, so my concerns were exactly as described above. So, I shared this thought as a matter of avoiding “the sandwich”: “I care about our relationship, and I care about your success. I value how you are always honest with me, and I owe it to you to return the favor of candor and honestly in our relationship. It’s with that in mind that I want to share with you an observation that you have an opportunity to leverage and grow from.” Then going on to share a simple and specific observation, the recipient was displeased at the observation, however they thanked me for being trusting enough in our relationship to share the hard truth. This aided in the feedback being received as a gift.
• Be gentle and kind – For many of us, the idea of being gentle and kind can sound soft or even fluffy. ?Gentle as an adjective furthers this, being formally defined as mild and tender. Kindness also commonly becomes blended with nice or positive. But what if we, instead considered being gentle and kind as sitting in the other person’s seat instead of our own. Knowing this audience, we want to know where we may unintentionally be making missteps. We want to trust that others have our best interests at the top of their minds. We want to be valuable and feel valued. When we deliver feedback, we owe it to the recipient to deliver on all these things as the feedback provider. This means we focus the feedback on the behavior not the person, after all – the person is someone we care for and respect. We are candid and transparent, not judgmental, or cynical. We are fair in our observations, recalling times we ourselves may have made the same blunders. We are understanding that the recipient likely did not intend to act in a way that created an opportunity for improvement. When we combine all of this with simple, clear, and caring messages, we provide the gift of great feedback.

We all aim to accomplish great things- individually and collectively. We pour ourselves into our endeavors in a way that’s admirable, creating fantastic examples for others to follow every day. Without being excellent in our ability to provide helpful feedback frequently to those closest in our personal and professional lives, we’ll fall short of these goals.?In the words of Helen Keller – “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.”

Share your feedback best practices in the comments below!