The Feedback Cheat Code

How small observations become big changes

It was day two of the bustling San Diego tech conference in a hall filled with vendors, stakeholders, and thought leaders. I was navigating through the crowd when I noticed a professional lost in thought near the exit. His white shirt collar was awkwardly flipped up over his suit jacket, giving an otherwise polished 30-something an air of disheveledment. I didn’t know him, but as I passed, I casually mentioned, “My friend, it looks like your collar is popped in the back.” He snapped out of his trance, quickly adjusting his shirt, and responded with a surprised but appreciative, “Oh, thank you,” as I left the hall.

A few hours later, as I re-entered the conference hall, that same gentleman happened to be heading out. He stopped me and said, “Hey, I’m so glad you told me about my shirt. I was about to walk into a huge meeting looking ridiculous.” I asked how the pitch went, and he shared that he’d closed the deal for his team. I congratulated him, and we went on our ways.

I find myself thinking about this seemingly innocuous conversation often. Sometimes I wonder how his customer conversation would have gone if his collar was never fixed. Would the subtle signal that an out-of-place piece of fabric be enough to thwart a deal? Did a small observation about a collar impact his day? His career? His life? The exchange stuck with me because it highlights the outsized impact of feedback in shaping outcomes, boosting confidence, and creating meaningful connections.

To me, feedback is an act of empathy. You don’t have to collaborate with someone to be empathetic. I didn’t know why the man was at the conference, what he was selling, or what his personal goals were. But I could infer from his attire and presence that he wanted to present himself professionally and make a good first impression. The small act of pointing out that his collar was out of place was a simple way to support his success. Whether a complete stranger or a close colleague, sharing observations you think will impact their success is one of the most generous gifts you can offer. It’s also a cheat code for your success.

The Feedback Cheat Code

So many people struggle to give feedback because they are worried it is not their place. They are concerned that their observations will be rejected because the listener never asked for their perspective. I vehemently disagree with the sentiment. Remember when we talked about how important it was to understand the goals, dreams, and aspirations of your team members? This conversation is foundational to understanding your peers, their motivations, and how to deliver meaningful support for their endeavors. When you know where someone wants to go, you can frame your feedback in a way that aligns with their goals, making it much easier for them to receive and act upon it. Once you reframe feedback from critical to supporting, it’s easy to make the lead from feedback as a vessel for criticism (how most people see it) to a coaching and leadership superpower.

Talking Tactics: The Inside-Out Coaching Method for Feedback

Even when their intentions are in the right place, many people struggle to provide feedback because they don’t have the tools. One of my favorite methods for delivering feedback is the inside-out coaching approach. It is best explained through an example. Imagine a scenario where you and a teammate just finished a customer meeting where your teammate dominated the conversation, leaving little room for the customer to share their views or express their pain points. As you walk out of the room, you know the meeting would have been more effective if your teammate did less talking and more listening. You need to give them this feedback.

What went well?

Inside-Out coaching begins by inviting the person to reflect on their own experience before offering any critique. Instead of launching into an immediate critique of their performance, you start with a simple question: “I’m glad we got to meet with that customer. What do you think went well about the discussion?”

Starting with this question is crucial because it allows the teammate to reflect on their performance positively before addressing any areas for improvement. You will be surprised how hard it is for individuals to reflect and articulate what they did well rather than jumping straight to what went wrong. Don’t let them. Creating the space for them to identify a few positive aspects both builds their confidence and their receptiveness to future coaching. In this case, the teammate might say they did well to build rapport with the customer quickly. You can reinforce this by highlighting a specific moment, such as a joke they told, which lightened the mood. This approach starts the conversation with a shared foundation of trust and before transitioning to critique.

What could have gone better?

The next step is to ask, “What do you think could have gone better?” This open-ended question allows the teammate to reflect on how they showed up and where they feel they could have done better. While your question doesn’t specifically ask what “they” could have done better, your teammate will often start with areas they know they could improve. In our example, the teammate may acknowledge they talked too much, giving you the opportunity to follow up with, “What do you think we missed by taking up so much air time?” More often than not, the person will recognize the same issues you intended to highlight in your feedback. In my experience, the majority of feedback conversations flow smoothly because the recipient is already aware of areas they need to improve and thus open to observations and coaching that helps them get better. Once they open the door to a growth area, it’s very easy to share affirming observations.

Situation-Behavior-Impact

However, there are times when someone has a blind spot and does not recognize how their behaviors are impacting their outcomes. If your teammate doesn’t recognize they monopolized the conversation, you need to be more direct. The Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) framework. Clearly state the situation, describe the observed behavior, and explain its impact. In this example, you might say, “In our customer meeting, we were trying to get them to agree to a pilot with our new software. I noticed that we spent a bulk of the time explaining the features of our product but didn’t ask enough about their pain points. We left the meeting having successfully demoed our product and its features, but failing to understand whether our software solved their key problems.”

Framing feedback in this way also makes it easy to tie the coaching to the recipient’s goals. You might add, “I know you want to be a founder one day. Learning how to uncover and address customer pain points will be essential to finding market fit. Let’s get you ready for that future and work on making space for those discussions going forward.” By keeping feedback aligned with aspirations, you help the individual see how growth in this area benefits their long-term success.

Handling Difficult Feedback Conversations

Regardless of how smoothly you deliver the feedback, not everyone is equipped to take perceived criticism well. We’ve talked at length about how painful “Haymaker and Hand Grenade” feedback can be. It hurts. But the pain is essential to achieving the gains. If you sense someone will struggle with feedback, starting with a conversation to align on intent can be transformative:

• State your stakes: Be candid with the individual about why you care for them and how you want to help them achieve their goals, dreams, and aspirations. Clearly communicate what you and the organization need from them in terms of performance to be successful and meet your team’s broader vision.
• Share you care: Express your desire to be part of their growth journey. Reinforce your belief that they have the potential to achieve their aspirations and that you want to help them become the person they need to be to succeed.
• Show the way: Demonstrate how the feedback you provide directly contributes to their goals. Make it clear that you are guiding them rather than micromanaging their journey. Position yourself as a trusted advisor who can help them transform into the leader or professional they need to become.

Your Leadership Superpower

At its core, feedback is about more than just improving performance, it’s about investing in people and their potential. Managers review performance. Leaders create environments where feedback flourishes and growth is expected, supported, and celebrated. The most talented individuals crave feedback because they understand it is the fuel that propels them toward their aspirations. If we can embrace feedback as an act of service rather than critique, we can create stronger teams, more aligned organizations, and cultures where everyone is empowered to reach their fullest potential.

Next time you hesitate before offering feedback, ask yourself—would you want to know if your collar was up?

....

Follow @byrningplatform for insights on culture, product leadership, and organizational alignment — and get the latest strategies to keep your team performing at their best.

Curious for more? Check out www.byrningplatform.com.