Feedback and the art of listening

Good feedback is about more than what we say. It’s what we hear. I've noticed that people who excel at sharing feedback tend to be effective listeners as well.

Good listening makes it possible to read people’s attitudes and motivations. It promotes reflection and dialogue. And it helps us detect the subtleties of feedback that often go undetected.

If you want to improve the flow and feel of feedback, listen up: These practices can sharpen your skills.

Check your understanding

It would be nice if feedback came with a primer. It can be hard to fully grasp the purpose and intent of feedback, especially when others disguise it as a praise sandwich. Unless we understand the feedback we get, we can’t act on it. Listening to what's said can help you clarify what's unspoken. Check your understanding with these prompts:

• "Can you give me an example of what you mean?"
• "Could you explain that part again?"
• "How do you see this impacting my work or our team?"

By utilizing these questions, you can enhance your comprehension of feedback and engage in a more meaningful exchange.

Be reflective, not reflexive

When someone shares critical feedback with us, we tend to deny, dismiss and discount the message (and possibly even the messenger). It might make us feel better, but this reactive approach won’t help us get better. Listeners try to spot the problem behind the problem. They don’t just focus on “what” —they listen for the “so what?” Rather than preserve their own egos, they search for answers:

• What hope, fear or concern is this person trying to communicate?
• What assumptions is this person making?
• What rationale is this person offering?

Buffer any response with “wait time” — a self-imposed quiet period to consider what the feedback means. Hold yourself to a few moments of silence before speaking. By shifting from a reflexive to reflective approach, you’ll get a fuller understanding of the what, so what and now what of feedback.

Listen for the silent signals

With feedback, what others show often matters more than what they say. Body language and other nonverbal cues serve as silent signals that are information-rich. Good listeners can collect feedback insights simply by watching for the body’s tell-tale signs:

• Hushed tone
• Slumped or closed posture
• Lack of eye contact
• Furrowed brow
• Tightening of the cheeks and lips

Paying attention to how feedback is shared pays off: Researchers found that people volunteered less information and spoke less articulately when talking to inattentive listeners. But when they perceived others to be more aware of body language and nonverbal cues, they provided more relevant and detailed feedback — even without the other person having to ask for it.

Listening is the art form of feedback. If we want to level up, we need to listen up. When we take stock of the feedback we receive from others, we might just be surprised by what we hear.

Keep fixing,

Joe

Dr. Joe Hirsch helps leaders and teams make feedback fearless. He's a TEDx and global keynote speaker and the author of "The Feedback Fix." Joe's work and research has been featured in Harvard Business Review, Forbes, CNBC, The Wall Street Journal, Inc. and other major outlets. He also hosts the popular podcast, I Wish They Knew.

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