Feedback: AMP up what you give. FACE what you get.

Being on the receiving end of feedback is a vulnerable moment for many of us. Our brains signal we’re about to hear something evaluative, and we either instantaneously decide to put our guards up or to stay open and listen. How we mentally brace ourselves for the message is based on past experience. We can’t help it.

We have all been on both sides of the conversation – giving feedback and receiving it – and we know that it can be awkward and uncomfortable.

For the giver of feedback, this moment is an opportunity to bring awareness and encourage change. It’s also a build-or-erode-trust moment. Without trust, the message is muddled or cast aside. With trust, it has the power to strengthen relationships.

BEFORE YOU GIVE SOMEONE FEEDBACK

ASSESS

What's the quality of your relationship? Is there a good level of trust and mutual respect? Consider how your relationship has evolved. How can this context be helpful for the conversation you need to have?

MOTIVE

Why do you want or need to give the person feedback? What’s your intent? Is it coming from a good place (e.g. to help the person)? Is your motive to simply share perspective and let the receiver decide what to do with it? Are you making a request and expecting the receiver to do something different? Be clear on the outcome you’re trying to achieve.

PREPARE

What needs to be said? How should it be said? Prepare the key points of your message – the situation, circumstance, or observation; relevant examples; the impact or effect on you (and others), and your request or ask of the person. Remember that tone matters.

How will you set the context - the when and where of your feedback? Sharing context will help ensure that you’re both thinking about the same issue or event. It sets the stage to focus on a specific event or observation. How you set the context influences their receptivity.

Visualize the two-way conversation. Your pause. Their response. Potential questions. The dialogue. Visualize bringing the focus back to your request or the outcome you’re seeking. Visualize wrapping the conversation on a productive note.

For conversations that you anticipate will be challenging, consider tips from Amy Gallo’s Harvard Business Review article, How to Mentally Prepare for a Difficult Conversation.

WHEN YOU’RE ON THE RECEIVING END

FOCUS

Pay attention to the message, not their delivery. Assume positive intent. It’s likely the person is sharing perspective aimed to help you. It takes a degree of risk to give you feedback, so listen to understand. Suspend judgment.

ACKNOWLEDGE

Reflect and summarize what you heard. Be specific and succinct.

CLARIFY 

Be curious. Seek out examples. If you need clarity, ask: Can you help me understand that? Where do you think I went wrong? What’s an example of that? If you think something may have been misunderstood, clarify your intent and actions.

 EXPRESS

Thank the person for the feedback. They have just shared something that could help you grow and evolve. This counts for something, even if their perspective feels off-base or is not widely shared by others.

"Examine what is said, and not who speaks." ~ African proverb

You have the absolute right to decide what to do with the feedback you receive. Is it worth doing something about? What positive outcome could come from this? Consider the impact of not making a change. What effect could this have? Whatever you decide to do, remember that you've just been given a gift. I, for one, appreciate gifts!

What additional tips would help someone prepare to give feedback, or to receive it with grace? Comments are welcomed!