Feast, Famine & Follow-Up; The Thinnest of Lines

“Not following up with your prospects [read: clients, friends, candidates, etc.] is the same as filling up your bathtub without first putting the stopper in the drain.” -Michelle Moore

I was having a discussion with a friend about the value and power of follow-up recently.  To be clear, he's a Sales Manager, and I'm a Sales Executive, so the chat was centered primarily in this shared world.   As we spoke though, we both began to recognize that the principles we were laying out as paramount, were applicable in all of life's relationships.  

Recruiters have a vested interest in following up with candidates, friends have a vested interest in following up with each other, and regardless of field or industry, we all have a vested interest in following up with clients.

As my friend and I conversed, there was little disagreement that follow-up was necessary in every aspect of life.  As a father of 6, when I tell one of my children I'll get back with them about a request they've made, I've promised to follow-up.  As a husband, when my wife asks me to let her know if we'll be available to attend such-and-such event, an assumption of follow-up is inherent in the request.

I could go on and on about the myriad ways we both anticipate, and commit to, follow-up.  As we philosophized about the reasons we often short-circuit our own follow-up processes with those in the business world, there were three clear conclusions that rose to the top.  These in some ways, I believe, separate good from great in every arena.  Recruiters, CEO's, Sales Execs, Managers, Teachers, and the list continues.  Briefly, they are (by no means an exhaustive list):

Fear of Rejection- No one enjoys being rejected, so we do what we can to avoid it if possible.  One of the ways we can avoid rejection is to avoid taking the paths that increase our odds of experiencing it.  This often leads to sending that one follow-up email, or making that one follow-up call.  Once we've gotten no response, we chalk it up to disinterest and move on.  This threshold varies from person to person.  For some, it's one email; for others, it's 3 emails and a phone call.  Point 3 kicks in here, and we tell ourselves we're being rejected because the person isn't interested in us, our product or service, or continuing the relationship.  This isn't based on much, if any, rational information as much as it's based in emotion.

Fear of Being Perceived as a Nuisance-  I'd probably be lying if I said I didn't care how people saw me.  I mean I've grown in that area over the years, but I'm not totally free from the effects of the perception of others.  Since this is true, I used to be overly-careful when it comes to the presentation of myself.  In those days, even if we agreed to "touch base" every couple weeks, I'd hesitate to actually do that-fearing how that might be perceived by the recipient.  "Self-speak" made me think the person 'couldn't have meant EVERY 2 weeks.  I'll just wait a month.'  The first issue here was that I needed to learn to take people's word at face value, sans assumptions about motive.  The second issue was my subconscious belief that I was the arbiter of 'good timing.'  I've come to recognize this fear as irrational, given I've set proper expectations for timing of follow-up (more on that later).

The Self-Speak that Perpetuates 1&2- Our minds are powerful, by design. I remember once when I thought a spider might have bitten me, I began to have a physical response similar to what I read about spider bite response on Google.  Looking back on it, it's funny, but not nearly the only occasion when my thoughts became 'reality' in a sense.  It happens all the time, doesn't it?  We text someone, and don't get a response before we holster our phones, and we begin to believe that person is upset with us.  A flood of 'what's wrong,' 'what did I do?' and 'are you mad with me?' texts follow.  Wait, is that just me who experiences this phenomenon?  Maybe so, but I think it's more common than admitted to. It's not much different in other spheres of follow-up.  We email or call as requested, don't get a response a few times in, and we assume there's no interest. Worse, we assume that the person must think of us as a pest, or otherwise burdensome.  We create a situation that may not exist, before we confirm its truth or falsity.  To be sure, there may actually not be any interest, but we don't know that from the info we have so far.  

Though there are many more variables that go into the reticence we have regarding follow-up, these are the areas I'll focus on next.  I'd like to posit a few potential helps for dealing with the fear of follow-up. These, in the form of simple (not easy) rules to follow.  If found effective, these means can improve personal relationships, increase revenue, land the best candidate for your job, or increase your credibility in the face of everyone you deal with, no matter the sphere.

 About Fear of Rejection

Rule 1: Strive to not assign motive- We can never know, unless told, why someone is doing or not doing a particular thing. It's often easier, the path of least resistance, to assume the reason for action or inaction.  Make it a rule to find out the why before you chalk it up to rejection.  I can't tell you how many times I've continued to follow-up, only to finally get an apologetic response, explaining the true why for a delayed response.  If we are to assume anything, let's err on the side of 'they're simply tied up,' rather than 'they have no interest.'  As I said, this is simple, but not easy.  If practiced, it'll yield fruit.

Rule 2:  Always Strive to be clear on the value you believe you bring- How many times would you reach out to someone who had a dreaded disease if you had the cure in hand?  Your reason for reaching out, if you're confident it's valuable to the person, should drive your persistence.  If your follow-up adds no value, there's another issue altogether.  Creating value for others has no shelf-life, so keep at it.  Being convinced that you are serving others in powerful ways should help re-frame even perceived rejection in your mind.  If our objectives are focused on meeting the needs of others, we persist until rejection is articulated.  Under such circumstances, it would be doing a disservice to the other person to discontinue follow-up in the absence of a response.

About Fear of Being Perceived as a Nuisance

Rule 1: Always strive to say what you're going to do next- People appreciate those with a strong 'say-do' quotient.  Simply put, do what you say you're going to do.  Often, the fear of being perceived as a nuisance is rooted in the fact that our follow-up has no link to a prior promise.  What do I mean?  Well, imagine we meet, and we have a good conversation that ends with my saying 'great, I hope to hear from you soon.' After that initial conversation, I call you every week and leave messages, followed by some emails.  There's really been no foundational basis established for such follow-up, has there?  Maybe in this case, it makes sense to feel like a nuisance.  On the other hand, the end of the conversation might be, 'great, I'm going to find the article we discussed and try to get it to you soon.  I'd like to call you next Thursday to follow-up,  does that work?'  If affirmative, do what you said you would.  Follow-up on Thursday.  If you get no response, say what you intend to do next (voice or email).  "I know you must be busy.  I'm excited, because I found the article we discussed. I think it'll be really helpful to you. I'll give you a call Monday afternoon at 1, unless I hear otherwise."  Now, the call on Monday is the result of me keeping my word.  I want to have a strong 'say-do' quotient, and when I'm following this paradigm, I rarely feel like a nuisance.  Making it known that you plan to follow-up, why, specifically you are following up, and when you plan to, as well as under which circumstances you'll suspend follow-up (unless I hear otherwise) should do two things.  One, it gives your recipient a clear path to cessation of contact, should they desire it.  Two, it lays the foundational basis for future communication, while establishing a track-record of doing what you say. Following through on our word doesn't have to feel like we're being nuisances, if we adopt this rule.

Rule 2: Always Strive to Be Thoughful in Follow-Up- I remember once when I'd said something I shouldn't have said to my wife.  It upset her, and my follow-up was to apologize.  I said 'I'm sorry, babe.  Will you forgive me?'  She responded, 'what are you sorry for?'  She wasn't being difficult, she was simply asking me to be thoughtful.  Sure, I was sorry, but being able to clearly articulate what I'd done to upset her was important to the success of the follow-up.  Otherwise, my reasoning for saying I'm sorry might very well revolve around my own comfort (hoping I'd be able to move on peacefully), rather than the discomfort I'd caused her to feel.  Being thoughtful in follow-up means we think about the other person's needs and not just our own need to 'close the loop,' or 'get resolution.'  In other areas, thoughtfulness means I have a reason for following up that I believe will benefit YOU in some way.  In the case mentioned in point 1 above, I'd found an article I thought would be helpful and wanted to chat about it prior to sending it.  Being thoughtful about creating value for others can often shift nuisance to necessity, and make your follow-ups welcome.  There's nothing like getting on the phone after someone has called multiple times to reach you, only to hear 'Hi DeJuan, this is John Doe, I'm just calling to follow up," followed by an anticipatory silence.  Thoughtfulness dictates that we have something of value to say once we've re-connected, yes?  Always striving to be thoughtful will help shed the fear of being perceived as a nuisance.

About the 'Self-Speak' That Perpetuates 1&2

Rule 1: Always Strive to Assume the Best- This is easier said than done, I realize that.  It's a take on the 'glass half-full' theory, right?  In truth, in times when we're uncertain, there's a 50/50 chance that the negative perspective is real, and that the positive perspective is real.  Why are we so often giving more credence to the negative, if not merely by choice?  Decide to assume the best, and let that be the lens through which you see non-response.  It takes practice, but it's worth it.  

Rule 2: Always Strive to Facilitate Freedom of Decision- This, as opposed to introducing (spoken or unspoken) pressure to decide.  Would you rather have 10 'not sures,' or 2 'yes's' and 8 'no's?'  We're all human, and often we'll find that just as we're concerned for the feelings of others, they're concerned for ours. In that concern, disinterest can be disguised as decision-making, especially if there's a sense of pressure.  Be sure to give others an out, should they need it.  It's a thoughtful way to serve them.  My neighbor asked me the other day if I would take care of his dog for a day and a half.  This is how he framed the question:  "Are you able to come over to take Scooter out in the yard tomorrow and Sunday morning? We have a couple of other options lined up, so it's absolutely no issue if you can't." 

In this case, I could do what he asked with no issue.  However, even if I needed to say no, he'd thoughtfully paved the way for me to decline freely.  Not sensing any pressure, it actually became easier for me to say yes.  If we can cultivate relationships in which our objective is the freedom of others, our negative 'self-talk' will be muted.  Our posture is often a result of our perspective.  I hope in your consideration of these points, you find a point or two useful.  No matter the industry you serve in, or which relationships you're maintaining- fear of negative perception, fear of rejection, and negative self-speak can sabotage fruitfulness.  In my world of sales, this could be fiscally detrimental.  

What about your world?  How have these fears impacted your ability to thrive, and how did you change it?

I want to hear from YOU!

-DeJuan Brown -A collaborative thinker passionate about helping my clients think differently about the profitability of information access and compliance.