Be Fearless - Let No One Cast Shadow on Your Light

Over the course of my life I noticed I had developed a habit of second guessing myself, I was also constantly ruminating over past conversations and trying to get ahead of any future conflict, as well as feeling like I had brain fog a lot of the time.

In short, I had allowed the essence of who I am to be slowly overshadowed because my attention was always way more focused on pleasing others and what other people thought of who I am.

I was doing an inner healing process this week that involved imagining taking out any hooks that people have into me. The hooks represent other people’s expectations, responsibilities laid at my door that were never my responsibilities to take.

The process starts with imagining one parent and then the other, giving back everything that is theirs, knowing they too don’t need to carry responsibilities that are not their own, they can give back whatever is not theirs too, and so on down through the generations like a ripple effect.

Then I imagined doing it with other people in my life, going back through those who put expectations and responsibilities on my shoulders that belonged to them, not me. Once I started this process is was very easy to feel from the weight of the memory just who had hooks in me and who didn’t.

While this sounds quite abstract, some tangible examples of how these hooks show up are: being constantly questioned in a disdainful tone on my expenditure while the questioner is off spending with little accountability; or having how I spend my time frequently remarked upon scornfully by someone who does as they please; or having my contribution continually belittled and dismissed by someone who is quick to build themselves up.

As I have started to see this more objectively, there is a grief within me that I have allowed others to treat me this way over the years. It’s not as though I was entirely submissive and allowed these sorts of things to go unchallenged, but more the feeling inside of wanting to be seen, to be recognised and accepted for the person that I am.

The sorts of adaptations I made in my life, to gain the love and approval of those who I was dependant on, were: becoming a perfectionist, anticipating others’ needs, and taking on too much of other people’s responsibilities to name a few.

But, as Terri Cole says, there is a fine line between being loving and generous versus giving/doing from a place of need to feel valued, recognised or loved. Over the years that approval seeking behaviour has caused me to align with others who are more narcissistic and demand approval, control and compliance. It’s like a subconscious do-over, repeating patterns from childhood in the hope of a different outcome.

Lisa Romano states this false premise well when talking about her own experiences:

“As an adult, this pattern remained active. I continued to automatically operate on the premise that in order to feel good enough, someone out there had to say so. My saviour was out there somewhere and – one day – if I could finally figure out how to change myself enough, I would feel good enough.”

Of course this can go on throughout life without any conscious awareness. But in my case I have become aware, acutely aware, and have been determined to take back my own power.

When I was picturing myself as a young child, I realised that this need to change myself in order to feel good enough was driven by that younger version of me; it was my child-self’s survival mechanism. Yet, if that were one of my own children I would be telling them, finding ways to show them, that they were born good enough, there’s nothing they need to say, do or be in order for them to receive my love.

Having kids has been a revelation of personal insights and growth. That they need not say, do or be anything different than who they are has been like a driving force in how I approach my role as a mother. I even have a sign on our wall saying “Simply Be Who You Are”. But I also know the many times in each day that I sail dangerously close to waters that speak the language of “in order for you to be accepted in this family/school/relationship you must do this”.

I have (and continue to) examine all my expectations of my kids, the expectations others have of them, and how these are conveyed, all through the lenses of “does this allow them to be who they are without causing harm to others”.?Even that, I know, is a restraining step beyond “simply being who you are”. What does harm look like?

Am I going to stand by and let one of my kids take a long turn on something I can see the other child is desperate to play with? Is that causing the other child harm? Frankly no, it’s teaching them boundaries and patience, but I had certainly been wired to share regardless of whether or not I had finished.

Am I going to stand by if one of my kids starts hitting the other? Or manipulating the other? No, physical, psychological and emotional abuse all cross the line and need me to step in and help them navigate.

Am I great at doing all these things on a consistent basis? Pretty good, and I’m getting better and better all the time. I put in conscious effort to turn the tide from my default responses. When the kids first started expressing themselves in ways that triggered me (and it’s fair to say that happened from the get-go, with nightly screaming from 7-11pm daily for months with my first child for no obvious reason) it was more than a little wearing.

Why make all this effort for my own kids and neglect that child within me? It didn’t make sense. And, besides, I realised it’s not just about who I am being towards my children, it’s about who I am being when I am around my children. For example, if I pass off controlling behaviour from other people towards me as normal in their presence, what silent messages are they taking in?

So defining my own boundaries and learning how to hold them with grace has been top of my agenda as they have grown, both with them and others around me. And by doing that, and learning that I am enough already, I don’t need to prove myself on that front, I am also honouring that younger me as the grown adult who can now take a different, healthier stance.

I also realise that there is nothing to fear except fear itself. My survival no longer depends on those around me. I am an adult who can choose a new mindset, a less encumbered mindset without the hooks of others.

If you are someone who second guesses themselves all the time, constantly feel like you have brain fog and ruminate over past conversations and try to get ahead of any future issues, perhaps it’s time to take a good hard look at who has what hooks in you? Remember, you were born good enough, be fearless, and let no one cast shadow on your light.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy Embrace Your Authentic Self, Shed the Toxic People in Your Life, Do You Need to Heal Your Boundaries?, Empower Yourself - When a Difficult Reaction Sends You Into a Tailspin, Are You Overly Responsible? Actually Seeing Yourself Through Fresh Eyes, and Overcome the Greatest Human Fear – Be the True You. To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog.