Fear is the Mind-Killer

The Litany against fear. I used to recite it when I went on a roller coaster in Tivoli, mainly because I was afraid of heights, sure when the cart got rolling there were only screams of joy and fear elicited from my mouth and maybe the occasional “Fuck”. But, it worked. It was most likely an abbreviated version of it, based on what I remember the Litany against Fear sounded like. But it did not matter, it worked, I survived and had a swell time.

I was reminded of it yesterday when I by chance saw that Dune 2 had been greenlit, good for Denis Villeneuve. He deserves it. Blade Runner 2049 was an amazing tour de force in a dark and perhaps not so fictional future, though I have yet to see Dune.

But I am still afraid. There are a lot of things in this world to be fearful about, certainly, there are also many things to be hopeful for. I know what you are probably wondering what does this have to do with Linkedin and finding a job.

Because that is what I fear the most:

1. I fear being useless in this current job market, which means I might get pressured into making choices where I would in essence waste my life in a dead-end job. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to be unremarkable.
2. I fear that I am not smart enough to understand what it takes to work. What it takes to be a great employee.
3. When I see a job posting I fear I never understand it correctly, I honestly never feel I do. When they list the current numerous job tasks on a job post, I see a myriad of different ways they could be dealt with. It all depends on numerous different factors in my head: What tools do I have at my disposal? How fast do you need it done? Do I even understand what they mean by this buzzword or that buzzword? Am I even understanding what they are writing correctly?

I do not feel it is the fault of the Job post itself, but who I am as a person, how I am wired, perhaps seemingly my lack of intellect. In essence, I always come back with more questions in my head than answers.?

4. I fear being too overqualified for entry-level jobs, but too underqualified for positions I actually find interesting. I fear I am in some kind of competency purgatory.

5. I fear if someone actually believes in me and my skills, whatever they are, and they actually give me a chance: What if I bungle it, what if I am not as good as I promised them. What if I wasted their time, their resources? With nothing to show for it.

6. Weird as it sounds I feel I am often selling myself short, not giving myself the due I deserve. But I find that fear comes from the idea that I can not in good conscience deal in absolutes. That failure will always be an option in the grand scheme of things, and that I am loath to promise things that I, in the end, can not keep. Perhaps, that is why I am apprehensive in my Cover letters to actually promise them anything. The fear of failure haunts me as I write.?

Indeed fear is the mind-killer.?

Often someone has asked me; “if I had no issues with money or time what would I like to do?”, and the answer is a Writer. But I do not know whether I am good at it, or someone else would actually find what I wrote any good, and even a belief in myself and my writing skills comes and goes in waves. There are endless frustrations, crushed hopes, and seemingly insurmountable odds. Which is perhaps rather normal, Afterall nothing worthwhile should be easy to get.?

I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Easier said than done. Because you are not just fighting against your own fears, but the competencies of your immediate competitors/candidates in the current job market.?

I remember the John Boorman Excalibur movie, where King Arthur meets Lancelot for the very first time and is subsequently beaten in a duel, with the lesson “That no matter how good you think you are, there will always be someone better.”

7. I fear there will always be someone better and more competent than me. So I will never be the first pick, or the second, or the third.

I have no answers, I think the Litany Against Fear only brings me so far, up the first hill of a roller coaster, and then it is all up to the Gods above. This is merely an introspective rant of weird proportions. Luck in the end plays a role, Nothing is certain, do not take the expectation that somewhere someone will say yes to your desperate pleas for a job. You have to work at it, but that is hard when fear keeps you from going the distance.

There are no true certainties in this world, but perhaps we can only expect the litany against fear to pull us up the metaphorical first hill on the rollercoaster of life, and luck and physics will do the rest.?

And yet:

8. I fear that fear will be the mind-killer.