Fear, not

You look at the ringing phone in your hand and the caller ID displayed on your smartphone screen and suddenly, all manner of sensations take over your body. Like a person sinking into quicksand, that dense feeling of dread fills your being, from the bottom of your feet to the top of your head. Your heart starts to beat against the prison bars of your chest like an irate prisoner who hasn’t come to terms with his multiple life sentences and is demanding immediate release.

As you proceed to pick up the phone, your voice is reduced to a whimper, so you manage a weak: “H-h-he-ll-o?”

Fear. We’re all familiar with experiencing this emotion in the unique nuances that it manifests for each person. In some instances, there is no outward expression that others can discern or identify, but the thoughts and feelings it presents before different circumstances are evident.

Where does fear come from?

Look back at the times when you have felt fear. What were the anchoring thoughts? What future scenarios were projected in your mind as a result of the incident taking place? That is, if X happens, the consequence will be Y. It all happens in the mind and once you narrow down the set perspectives that influence you, then you can begin the work of unravelling them.

I look back at one of the defining incidents where I saw fear manifest itself in me in a major way. I was a young PR account executive and was part of the team putting together a proposal for an important potential client. I spent days working on the presentation, taking in feedback from the rest of the team and refining it. I knew the content inside and out, but when my then-boss assigned six slides to me to present during the meeting, a feeling of dread came upon me. I thought about how high-stakes this presentation was. Would I do a good job? What if I messed things up and was the reason we didn’t win the account?

So, the fateful day to meet the client came. I was a bundle of anxiety but tried to not let it show. It didn’t help that on the way to the meeting, my boss at the time, who was seated in the co-drivers seat in the vehicle, turned back and said: “Lorraine, maybe you could try to be calm and not speak so fast during the meeting? Okay? Great, thanks!”?

Immediately, I felt everything contrary to calmness wash over me. My stomach was in a knot, tears filled my eyes and I wanted to get out of the car and run back home. It appeared to me that my actions (whatever form they took) would impact the success of the mission that day, and for someone who loved being in the background, that was a scary thought. We got to the meeting and in a short while, the presentation was underway. I was listening to my boss and simultaneously rehearsing my slides in my head. I was also scanning the room, looking for nods of encouragement in the faces of the client team, but instead only saw rock-solid expressions.?

Then the unexpected happened. My boss ended his presentation early and asked me to take over. My slides were towards the end of the deck, so for a few seconds, I was in shock. Take over from him? Why didn’t he hand it over to one of the account directors? What was he thinking?! I collected myself and said thank you. Rather than speak to what was on the slide, I stuttered, fumbled and in the end, just couldn’t do it. My other colleague stepped in and took over from there.

Back then, I thought my life was over and that I’d be asked to find employment elsewhere. Now, when I revisit that episode, I see all the trappings that set me up for what transpired. And they all stemmed from ideas and perspectives in my mind.?

Let’s take a deeper look:

1. This happened for my good: First of all, I now understand that this experience happened to train and teach me. Sure, I felt pain and shame from my seeming failure at the time, but I never would have known that there was work to be done inside me if the incident hadn’t occurred.?
2. Motive, motive, motive: The reason why I wanted to excel at this presentation had more to do with the parameters of success that I set for myself, rather than wanting the presentation to go well for the sake of the company. The possibility of losing what I placed value on, that is, my success, was the main driving factor behind the emotions that took over me.
3. Who are you? For most of my life, I had resigned myself to certain damaging perspectives about my identity based on experiences, words that I took on and more. Beyond the incident that I’ve described, these limiting beliefs would manifest in my speech. In this case, I assumed that the account directors in the room would do a better job at the presentation because of their accumulated experience, displayed eloquence and because they were just better. Period. In other situations that I deemed threatening (usually involving a crowd), I would stammer because fear of judgment from those I was speaking to would overtake me.?
4. It’s bigger than you, honey: The thing with fear is that it puts you into a chokehold of centring cause and effect around you. You determine the kinds of circumstances that will bring about the results you don’t want and approach life accordingly. In my case, I could resign myself to never expressing myself in public because of the self-beliefs that I’ve held. But what would then happen to the call of God for my life? Once I understand that my life is in God’s hands, then I can leave all the consequences to Him and only focus on obeying Him every step of the way.?

Epilogue: I’m a completely different person today from the young girl who was in that boardroom, but one thing is certain: I’m more determined than ever not to allow fear to hold me back from the life I was designed to live.