Fear Helped Me Love Myself and Find Peace

Fear overtook my life. My fear began as a monthly hormonal imbalance and childhood trauma, grew with a suicidal death and estrangement. My fear manifested as paranoia, my heart beating when a thought intruded and that thought, like thousands during the day, should have passed through. Trauma and death offer fear as the ultimate threat of abandonment.

I began living like I thought everyone felt about me. I started imagining why the people around me behaved poorly with me, as family usually does but I was taking it personally. I apologized almost for breathing. I ruminated about things I said and wanted to clear them up. I could not see the person I am, only the mistakes I’ve made if I’ve made any at all.

I couldn’t sleep. Being trapped in fear made me eat like crazy and my stomach sick. I had to learn that?the body does keep the score. My relationships all suffered, even with my husband and love of my life. I kept looking at him when he became upset like he was going to look at me and say, “I’m leaving you. I asked for a spoon, not a fork.” It’s funny now, but I could not tell truth from fear, reality from paranoia and I felt so stupid and confused.

I am terrified of feeling that fear again so much that I control my emotions and my thoughts. I never have to go back there again. I didn’t hear correctly and my emotions were dysregulated. I said stupid things in public and private. I made impulsive decisions to go to a cabin in the woods of Tennessee, for example. I ran and ran until I learned that if I simply pause, take a breath, check in with myself before I make an accusation or express a fear or a problem, I can control my emotions and allow thoughts to pass more easily. I still have moments of fear but I forgive myself and move on to think about something else.

If I lived my life like the people and animals around me are at death’s door or they hate me, nothing would be enough. I could not survive. I was constantly exploding and running away. I was nervous and anxious, trying to hide my grief and fear. The latest death of my mother unexpectedly led to change in household, and my first female matriarch dog met my mom, daughter, and others in heaven soon after. It compounds and magnifies. I needed to connect to myself and find my safety, joy, and calm in me.

I learned that my inner child is the exact same as my two human children. Even if I didn’t have kids, the depth of love supports its unconditionality. No matter what my son, father, husband say, my love does not diminish and I forgive easily. So, I see myself that way. Whatever I do, I do it calmly now and I forgive my own mistakes. In addition, these are the tiny habits I picked up if you’d like to grab a few.

1. I talk to myself. If I say, “I’m dumb,” or similar, I immediately correct myself with a smile and forgive myself for my mistakes, even really big ones. I tell myself all the time that it's going to be okay. The brain needs to know what to do.
2. I remind myself of the present moment and ground myself in my progress and gratitude. I think of ways to be grateful past my complaints and be here now.
3. Nature, nature, nature. I put my feet in the grass and face in the sun. I walk, ride, swim in nature. There is always healing in a nature walk. I clean streams and parks. There's always trash to pick up in nature and it feels so good to be part of the solution.

1. When I get distracted, I remind myself to come back to my task.
2. I remind myself of Priority over Pattern. If I drive through to grab coffee too often, I set a reminder on my phone to grab my mug in the morning to break the pattern.
3. I place one hand on my heart and one on my stomach to calm myself. I pat, rock, or hold my chest to feel safe and of course, that luscious green glow of the heart chakra and the Vagus nerve calm the body.
4. I push my stomach out to breathe in and out slowly to calm in traffic, when someone is talking, etc. I constantly go back to the breath to calm so I can listen and not reply so fast.
5. I?box breathe?when I feel anxiety or a trauma response coming on.
6. I do not over talk about my problems and try to listen to others without trying to help them fix the issue. (Never give the grieving advice).
7. I focus on the present moment. There is no past or future that we can touch. We only have the now.
8. I try to laugh as much as possible. This is also calming the Vagus nerve. (Humming and singing do the same). I watch Schitt's Creek, Ted Lasso, comedians, inappropriate movies, and hang with people who love to laugh with me and quote movies and shows.
9. I create boundaries. If I do not want to talk about anything that causes my body to feel anxious, I politely say that we can discuss at another time. I drop subjects this way, too when I feel defensive.
10. I have slowed my driving and enjoy the silence, lofi music, or audio book.
11. I approach the public with an attitude of service. I try to be useful and find out what my loved ones need. Service builds empathy and connection, connection heals the brain.
12. Self-care all day long. I take a walk, take a bath, write a journal, listen to a?funny podcast?I love, color, organize.
13. I read. I read for fun and to learn and to teach. Reading creates intellectual intelligence and allows you to discuss facts instead of communicating through heated emotions. Reading allowed me to understand that the crazy process I'm undergoing is normal, neural, regular, and possible to heal.
14. I spend time alone to meditate twice a day, practice breath work, yoga, or write, and allow my mind to wander. When I don't practice anything, I refuse to dwell on it.
15. I’ve utilized many supports in my healing journey. Alone, we get stuck in our stinking thinking but finding support elevated me to solve many of my trauma responses. I’ve learned the neuroscience of grief, the body’s role in trauma, and the spiritual side of connection with my family, friends, and animals in heaven. I strongly suggest the books,?The Body Keeps the Score?by Bessel Van Der Kolk and?The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss?by Mary-Frances O’Connor. My guidance comes from a psychic medium as well as Ayurveda, Buddhist, Christian, and other spiritual modalities.?EMDR trauma therapy?saved my life and allowed me to move past my PTSD. I’m not afraid anymore and I judge and expect less all the time. It turns out the quote above about fear is the absolute truth. Stepping out of fear allows for us to thrive, body, mind, and spirit.