The Fear of Failure

Anyone who knows me at all will know that I'm not a big fan of fake positivity, nor those saccharine motivational quotes you get all over social media. So those same people may be surprised to see that I've plastered this article with a schmaltzy quote doubling as a photo — quite clearly a stock image — which seems to suggest I've fallen to the bright side.

But like most things, it's a little more complicated than it looks, but not nearly as complicated as you fear, so read on to find out why!

Ok, I'll Bite; Why is it Complicated, Matt?

Thanks for asking! You may not realise this now, but the whole structure of this piece depended on it, so you've really done me a solid. The fundamental reason I hate motivational quotes is because I think we'd all be better off actually making our lives better, rather than just sitting around thinking happy but meaningless thoughts. These empty platitudes might make us feel good for about 5 seconds, but they then disperse like a happy little cloud when you either:

A. Move on to the next bit of drivel in your feed, or

B. Think about them properly for 6 seconds.

So, yeah, these feel-good quotes are vol-au-vents of the mind. You can tell how superficial they are by the fact they often use a greetings card font on a pink background. Nothing worth saying has ever been said like that.

Lol, but are you in any Danger of Getting to the Point?

Alright, Speedy Gonzales; we're getting there! The point is that the quote about failure actually does have some merit, if you think about what it means. And while it seems like a motivational feel-good sort of chappy, this quote means business, and what it's implying is going to require some work and effort, and then failure. And that's all quite scary.

Why is Failure so Scary?

Well, the first point is that failure is obviously, by definition, bad. Failing means not achieving something that you set out to achieve. Nobody is saying that failure is all good, but just that it's an important and necessary stepping stone on the way to success. The problem is that we have been conditioned to think that failure is terrible, terrifying and TO BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS.

Archie Hammond and I discussed this very issue in our most recent live talk, which we broadcast in our Facebook group, Natural Networking. Join the group to watch! What follows is a synthesis of our conversation.

From the moment we start start school, all the way through university and into our careers, we're led to believe that failure is the beginning of the end of the world. You know those news articles you see every Summer? The ones that show students either celebrating their exam success by whooping and hugging, or in floods of tears? Well, that is what happens when you've been indoctrinated into thinking that everything hinges on success.

The successful students seem to think that that one moment is like winning the lottery; the students who've failed, or not succeeded quite enough, appear to think that their lives are over. Neither of these beliefs are correct. Sure, the successful students are going to go to their first choice of university, and the failures are probably not. But life is full of many other events and factors which are going to determine those students' overall success in life. The world just isn't that simple.

I don't know if it's true but the internet says that the average millionaire will go bankrupt 3.5 times (who knew that you can get rich by taking risks with other people's money?). Going bankrupt is really bad — far worse than not getting A's in your exams — yet those who have been bankrupt 2.5 times go on to do it again before making lots of lovely money. It's basically a lifestyle choice for these people. Successful authors spend most of their time replying to rejection letters (or did before they made it), yet something in them keeps them going until they finally see their book on the shelves of Waterstones. Failure is everywhere.

Yet many of us are so crippled by the fear of failure. I see it all the time with my clients. many of them would rather not apply for a job they probably won't get than take a stab in the dark. And rejection from one job application is a tiny failure, if you can call it a failure at all. It has almost zero effect on your life.

People are terrified of getting into relationships because it might not work out. Well, guess what? It probably won't work out forever, but if it all ends, it doesn't mean all is lost. I'm divorced, and while the separation was definitely the most painful thing I've ever experienced, I wouldn't go back in time and decide not to get married. A lot of good things came out of that time and, again, that's just the complexity of real life.

I still fear failure sometimes though. I have analysed myself and noticed that, when I procrastinate, or put something off altogether, it's because I'm worried that the endeavour will fail. That tendency is fading though; setting up your own business is one long Master's Degree in failure. I do things every day that fail, and while I don't enjoy it, I have come to see how it's only by going through this process that I get to the successes. But it took some careful self-reflection to realise that I am prone to this fear, and that it's not always obvious when it's happening.

When we think of any kind of fear, we imagine that it's a very obvious emotion, but this doesn't seem to be the case. The fear of failure doesn't have us quaking in our boots, experiencing a pronounced dread. It's more insidious than that; the fear manifests itself as a kind of inhibiting force that subtly dampens our motivation without clearly speaking its name. It's not like say, the fear of lions, which has us taking action and running away from the clear danger. It just robs us of the desire to do a great thing, because we're not certain it'll work out. It's a paralysing fear, not an activating one.

The worst thing about the fear of failure is that it is irrational. Humans are hugely egotistical, and we tend to care way too much about what others think of us. We also significantly overestimate how much people think about us at all. The fear of failure might better be described as the fear of being seen to fail. It's a fear of the shame we will feel when others see us strive to do something without pulling it off. But here's the thing: what others think about us is largely irrelevant and will have almost zero impact on our lives. People only really care about you (with the possible exception of close friends and loved ones), when you're impacting on their lives. You can very quickly change somebody's negative perception of you, if you even need to, by doing something that helps them with their problems. People will forget anything if it's standing in the way of their own desires.

OK, but Why is This Such a Big Problem?

Because, as those millionaires who've been bankrupt 3.5 times know, the failure isn't the end of the world. When we fail at something, it's rarely the one and only chance we have to make it happen. Failure is a temporary setback. Those millionaires — and the authors — failed, and were seen to fail, numerous times, but this didn't get in the way of their eventual success. I guess those people felt shame and worried about what others thought of them when they failed, but they also knew it was part of the process and carried on. Their ambition and hope eclipsed any negative emotions they might have felt.

Unless you can harness the emotive pull of your ambitions, then you will succumb to the fear of failure and do, well... nothing. And that's tragic. That's how too many people live their lives. Here's another platitude to paste all over social media:

'You're already failing, and will always fail, until you succeed.'

Despite how it may seem, there are so many opportunities out there; you can practically invent whatever objective you want, as long as you think it through and plan. Until you make it work, the default state is failure. I run a business by riding roughshod over the rules of recruitment and doing things better; it's not like there was a blueprint for how to do this; I had to draw it myself. When I started, I very well knew that this might not work out, but I also knew that it wouldn't be a disaster if it didn't. I was starting my first business so I knew it might fail; I also knew I would learn lots of lessons, make lots of contacts and gain skills that would help me for the next time. And that's the crucial thing.

What's the Crucial Thing?

You can always gain something from failure, you'll always learn something valuable that, quite frankly, you probably couldn't learn any other way. Each and every failure, no matter what you're trying to achieve, has to be got past for you to get to the other side, and on the other side you'll be more experienced than you are now.

Yeah, but Everyone Knows all of This

That's true; I'm not saying anything groundbreaking here. What I am saying, though, is you may not always be aware that you are suffering from the fear of failure, and you may not be aware of how utterly pointless and irrational it is. You may be living in a kind of paralysis and not achieving your potential. You can break out of this catatonic state and do so much more. Let's see how.

Practical Tips

1. Imagine you're on your death bed. What sorts of things will you have achieved that make you feel comfortable about dying? Set out to achieve those things, and be methodical and strategic. Learn to plan, use spreadsheets and calculate the risks.
2. If you're worried about what people will think, don't be. Simple. Most people barely ever try anything particularly meaningful. By at least trying, you put yourself out of reach of their disdain. You can just tell them, 'Yeah I'm trying to do something hard, and I might fail this time but, if I do, that will only make the second attempt easier. What are you up to today?'
3. Practise a hobby that involves a lot of failure. I play video games and card games. I fail all the time, but I also improve all the time.
4. When you fail, and you will, draw up a timeline that shows what contributed to that failure. Write a short report describing why you failed and how you will avoid it next time.

Oh and, by the way, I failed my A-levels. My god, did it hurt. The panic was unbelievable. I went to a good university shortly after. The end.

Matt

To join Natural Networking, and watch Archie and I discuss this and other fascinating topics, click here: Natural Networking