Fear and Failure: Growth Beats Anxiety!

I've been diagnosed by a physician with social anxiety disorder—a revelation that, in the act of disclosure, feels akin to a breach of my emotional fortress, and a necessary step toward emancipation and self-understanding. This internal battle, waged over the expanse of years, has left an indelible imprint on my psyche, marked by moments of distress and a pervasive sense of dread.

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This struggle has marked my life but wont define it. I can pinpoint during my college journey when I was stricken with this affliction. During a period marked by lack of worry and carelessness I found myself devastated by a mental implosion. It was during a job interview, amidst the interrogation and self-revelation, that the tentacles of social anxiety began to ensnare me. Confronted with questions to which I found myself incapable of articulating cogent responses, my mental capacity fixated singularly: the manifestations of my anxiety—beads of sweat dripping from my brow, hands tightening as if they were lobster claws taped shut waiting to be tossed in the boiling pot. I left and had no question about why I was not called back to be offered the job. Instead of asking for help or discussing it with anyone, I hid my shame and buried the experience deep in my subconscious. After that, I spent every ounce of effort avoiding that gripping terror going forward.

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By giving every effort, I mean I effectively avoided the topic and did absolutely no work on it. I let it go on for a decade until eventually, I sought out professional help. Professional meant “hey doc, give me pills because I ain’t talking to anyone about this”. Eventually, I addressed this with real and professional help. That isn’t my story. I don’t want this to be Lawrence’s Pity Party. I only touched on this to give context to what came later.

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During the great recession of 2008, I found out I am lucky. I recently graduated from college and didn’t make much money. The company I worked for kept me and helped me learn a litany of skills that pushed me on to temporary success in my life. I learned the more you know and share with others the harder it is to fire you. I learned, erroneously, that crying at work was a fool’s errand, nobody cares (just so you know people do care, and if people around you don’t, that’s ok. I do). I found a dark pit deep inside me that shut off empathy and painted a professional veneer. Obviously, this is not the path to a successful career. It was a path to short-term accomplishments. The fear that ate at me fueled my work ethic. The terror of not doing something extraordinarily well consumed me. Clearly, people who know me well could see through this false sense of confidence. That didn’t matter to me. I had a shield, a false persona that protected me. So, the question is: how long can you be successful being driven by fear and terror? The answer for me turned out to be, about 15 years. Can you imagine being mired in hell and thinking that was a life worth living? You don’t have to do that; you just had to meet me between my 22nd and 37th years of existence to witness the exquisite train wreck that I called my life.

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Soon I was given a way out. I have told you I'm lucky to be where I am now professionally. The tools I was entrusted with by my employers, friends, and mentors have granted me freedom and peace. My current employer asks me to fail. My bosses encourage it. They push me to make mistakes and keep making them. Why do they do this? Don’t they know I'm deathly afraid of this? The truth is, yes, they do know. They ask me to do this because they like to remind me: primarily I'm safe! Secondarily in these mistakes we find our greatest means of improvement. I don't know any human who became their best self by always winning at everything. I make mistakes that are costly both personally and monetarily. In those mistakes, I am given grace, kindness, and acceptance. I work to give these gifts to others now too! I ask my team to fail and fail hard. I also ask them to move on and forgive themselves as fast as possible. I feel an ever-present need to pass this gift bestowed upon me to others. It isn’t easy, and I'm not perfect at it! I constantly remind myself to remember that mistakes happen, and I don’t “have” to do this job. I “get” to live this life.

I hope you find yourself in a place where grace, kindness, and forgiveness rule the day. Not just from others, more importantly, from yourself. This is my new journey, and it has made all the difference in the world.