The Fear of Doors

I still remember feeling trapped as a girl child inside my home. That claustrophobic feeling.

My mother would lock me inside the house because she had to visit an ailing family member. Because she couldn’t take me along with her, she would lock me inside at the age of 10. Many times I rebelled and said “I don’t like it. It suffocates me.” But to this, my mother would say, “This is for your safety.” She used to justify her behaviour saying, she did it because we lived in a chawl and many political goons stayed there.

This experience has stayed in my body for a very long time. And I still feel uncomfortable going out much because most of my childhood I was trapped inside the house either to study or just be. I was not allowed to play outside much. I was told bringing good grades is my only purpose in life.

Even though I’m an ambivert today, my past experiences have turned me into a very fearful person. And I am still struggling to find the doors that will take me towards my path in life. Some say you must come out of your comfort zone but for me, it’s my prison/safety net. I always believed in its safety.

Most of our battles start in the mind first. How to trust that outside the door I’m safe? To help myself I started learning positive psychology and made a well-being program. I am still on my healing journey. I’m a work in progress.

I am writing my memoir right now and this is an excerpt from my book.

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