Fear - A Different Outlook

For most of my life, I wonder if should I do this or if I should do that. What if I do and fail? What if no one likes it? What if people criticize me? What if I make a fool of myself? What if no one understands me or my work? My all life was (until this moment) like a war I was waging against myself. I wanted to publish my article on Linkedin for a long time, though as often happens with me, I was confused about the subject. It wasn’t that I don’t have any idea. In fact, I was overloaded with some great concepts. Yet, I was afraid. Afraid of telling stories that I wished to tell. Afraid of voicing my opinion out loud. Afraid of judgment. Afraid of the way people looked at me. Afraid of what’s going on in their mind when they gaze at me. So, I thought I must speak about my long time best-friend “Fear”. The one who never leaves me alone. The one who always accompanies me on every path. The one who says don’t worry. No matter what happens I will always be there for you. That’s why I am starting off with this question what is fear?

Let me tell you about my camaraderie with fear. Then, we will move on to the definition. I will also talk about my transition from being a fearless child to becoming the one who fears everything. As far as I remembered I was never a fearless soul. I was only fearless when I was a toddler. And, I am not able to recall a lot of incidents of that era. Yet, I can recall a few stories that I heard from my parents. Even in those stories, I don’t think I was much of a fearless child. I don’t know why, though, it’s true that I remain kind of fearful all the time. Although, there is a caveat. My fear never stops me from doing the thing that I always wanted to do. It warns me a slew of times whenever I decided to do something that I had never done. Like solo traveling, visiting a café alone, and opting for a life that I wanted to live. Living in a city like Delhi alone with my younger sister. Dropping in and out of the college. I am not saying I am the only one who is struggling with these issues. There are many girls like me who face these sorts of issues. I just wanted to pen down my experiences so that if anyone read this short memoir cum blog, they would realize that it’s totally fine to be afraid of things and circumstances. It’s okay to feel the monster in you that sometimes constantly stalks you. The thing which is not fine is that don’t allow your fear to grip your whole body and twisted your dream and desire. Don’t allow it to stop you. Don’t allow it to tell you that your journey has come to an end. Don’t let it believe that you don’t have enough resources to achieve your goals. As “Socrates” emphasized that the unexamined life is not worth living. And, this is the one greatest fear of all my fears. So, in some way, my fear allowed me to dive deep, to question the unquestioned, and to know the truth of everything. Because, in the end, I don’t want to die regretting and grousing about the kinds of stuff that I always wished to do. And, it’s the fear, I dwell on that inspires me to discover, to explore, the verity of death. ?

?As a human being what we are most afraid of is death. I was in VIITH standard when I first heard the word death in my own family. I still remember the morning not because I was grief-stricken. On the contrary, my sister and I are glad. Glad, because, we didn’t have to go to school. We are delighted because we got a day off. My parent was just a bit conventional. So, they, usually, didn’t talk much about the topics like death, and sex in front of their children. It was not just a general death in our family. Not the one which happened due to either disease or accident. It was a suicide. Not just a suicide. It was the first suicide in our family history. Moreover, it was committed by a 26 years young girl who was going to marry in just a few months. One end of the dupatta was knotted around her nape, and the other end was tied to the fan. Perhaps 3 or 4 months as far as I remember. We didn’t come to know the reason. We still, don’t know. Yet, we heard the story about her mysterious death. That was the very first time when I came closer to death. Later, I didn’t realize how or why, yet, I find the question concerning death and life engrossing and fascinating. Yes, this journey also starts with the terror, not with the audacity. ?That’s why I think I venerate fear. Yes, I used to define it in a negative term. Although, as I get the hang of the significance of fear in my life. I begin to treasure it.

And here is my final thought on the term “Fear”. We all know that most of the stuff that takes place in our life; makes us strong in some way or another. Fear is there to warn us, to let us know that choose action cautiously. Be prudent and calculate your risks.

“Let what comes come. Let what goes go. Find out what remains” - ??Ramana Maharishi.