Fear and Determination

Have you ever thought about what you would do once death knocked at your door? Have you experienced that? I did. In at least three incidents in my life, I almost died, yet I was lucky and still alive. The first one was when I was 9, I ran home without realizing that the house's glass sliding door was closed, and I hit it. The door was shattered, and the sharp shattered glass penetrated deeply into my left abdomen. I survived. The second one was 5 days after my 22nd birthday when I got into a car accident but just fractured my L4-L5 spine. I survived, and it taught me how to walk again. The third one was last year when I was diagnosed with pre-cancerous tumours in the gallbladder, and the surgeon mentioned how lucky I was that it had been spotted early. If not, I would only live for about another 2 years, and next year would be my last. Yet, I survived, and I'm still alive. As the Welsh poet Dylan Thomas wrote in his poem, and it is one of my favourites, "Do not go gentle into that good night, ..., Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Fear is an interesting emotion that either makes a person run, fight, or freeze. Most of the time, we just freeze up. A life of comfort leads us to be complacent and stack up the fear of leaving it inside our hearts, body, and soul. Indeed, it is a great mechanism to keep us safe, but most of the time, that safety it guarantees is just merely delusional. I saw so many acquaintances give up on their dreams due to fear of leaving their comfort zone, and I almost gave up on my dream due to fear of failure. To fail or to fall in life is okay. We will learn to stand up and try again. That's simply what life is. The irony is that when we are on our deathbed, we regret not even trying to achieve our dreams just because we were fearful and chose the "temporary" comfort.

It was funny that last week, a best friend of mine, whom I considered as my own family, Miguel Corrales, encouraged me to jump back into entrepreneurship, or later I will regret it for not even trying again. He mentioned that when all our basic necessities are met, we are left with much time, where most of it we used to create fear inside ourselves not to try something that requires us to leave this comfort. He also told me that I have a special skill where people can easily fund my business ideas. At first, I didn't believe him, but this week I believed what he said to me as I secured a fund from an angel investor two days ago for me to return back into entrepreneurship. I thank God for that.?Once I become determined with my direction, it is easy for me to achieve it. I highly appreciate Miguel's support in bringing back my real self.

Through all tribulations in my life come blessings. I learned to be courageous and full of determination. Nonetheless, once I reached a point of comfort, I lost those qualities and lived in constant fear of leaving my comfort zone. The zone I meant here is my PhD life. PhD life at KAUST is a luxury one, a life without financial worries and all the basic needs of mine and others are easily taken care of. You could say like an ideal life. But I'm not satisfied, and I hate it instead. It is a life that weakens my body, mind, and soul. I became complacent and lost touch with my real self, which honours dynamics and challenges. People might disagree with me, but this is my personal opinion. Also, most of the successes I earned were through life tribulations. The big fortune I earned during the Covid-19 period was rooted in the sadness when my wife and I separated for almost a year due to the pandemic. The business acquisition I almost closed 6 months ago was driven by my recovery from the tumour surgery. That's why deep inside my heart, I feel huge disappointment when I'm about to return back to KAUST and finish my PhD. I'm often considering quitting my PhD and returning to focus solely on entrepreneurship. But, I didn't do it because I lost my courage due to comfort, as this PhD life gives me a financial cushion. If I fall, it won't be that hurtful, although I'm recovering from a coccyx fracture now. I appreciate that and am highly grateful for it. Anyway, I'm going to finish off this PhD soon, in April, and I won't look back anymore. I would miss the life here at KAUST, the people I interact with, and the life lessons it taught me. One thing I know and deeply realized after my tumour surgery is that this kind of life and life in academia is not for me, and I don't want it. I will jump back into entrepreneurship despite fear engulfing my soul. There is where I found my solace.

Be determined and live your life to the fullest. Overcome your fear, and you will be successful. Life is uncertain anyway. Imagine one day, on your deathbed, you say, "I overcame my fear and did my best in this life. I have no more regret and am ready to meet my maker now." We would feel great, right? Our decision today will change the course of our lives forever. If we are not determined and stay put in our fear, nothing great will occur, and perhaps, we may simply regret that we are not even trying. So, stand up, fight your fear, be determined, and carpe diem!?

I leave this blog with one of my favourite poems from Dylan Thomas in 1951, "Do not go gentle into that good night".