Fear

7 January 2019, 08:24

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” – Frank Herbert, Dune

Fear. It’s an all-encompassing feeling isn’t it? I mean our fight or flight mechanisms have been developing over millions if not billions of years and then carried down by the genes of the millions of creatures that came before us. Our instinctive side of the brain is huge and extremely well wired as well as supported by a powerful biochemistry of various hormones that get injected into our bloodstream the moment we sense fear. Controlling all that in nearly impossible at times. And it was made precisely because it shouldn’t be controlled. I mean imagine a sabretooth tiger jumping at a group of early humans from ambush. If you think you’re dead. The only thing that saves you is the ability to fight or flight.

So, or ability to fear is extremely well setup but how is our ability to deal with fear? Well, putting the science aside for a bit I’ll talk about my personal experiences and my, often inadequate, ability to fight fear. As explained about fear isn’t rational. It could be triggered by many things, by actual physical danger or by an unprocessed thought or a feeling left in our minds. I tend to compartmentalize a lot. Prioritize things that I need – or more likely things that I like – and leave the rest for when I ‘have time’. We all compartmentalize and prioritize. It’s more important to eat than it is to watch TV so most of us will get of our butts and take food instead of be glued to the TV permanently – well, all of us that don’t eat in front of the TV. Let me rephrase that, it’s more important to drink water than it is to eat so if you are both thirsty and hungry you will go for water first. As it is more important to breathe than it is to drink and so on. Bottom line, we have priorities.

My priorities, besides the ones that are naturally inbuilt like breathing, drinking, eating, sleeping most likely differ than those of other people and there is nothing wrong with that. I grew up with a strong sense of family and community so priorities directed at helping family and community would be more important to me than personal priorities besides the ones that keep me and my family alive. I function a lot better in a social setting then I do alone. True, I need my adequate amount of ‘alone-time’ but I’m for all benefits and purposes a social animal. I thrive in a social circle of people so my priorities stem from that aspect of my behavior.

So, what am I afraid of? Well, many things. Besides my personal wellbeing, I’m afraid for the safety and security of my family. I believe that is almost universally shared by all humans that have children. Much like anybody else out there I want to make sure they are healthy and happy which involves feeding them, providing shelter, providing adequate love, physical and mental development. When you put it like that it doesn’t look like much but as we are social creatures we tend to compare ourselves with one another and in that comparison comes this social disquiet. For an example, I send my kid to a private school but a person next door can only afford a public one. This may sound silly especially since we share our cities with people living in shanty towns that can barely feed their children but the social stratification and the need to prove oneself and extremely strong motivators. I would say probably the biggest reason for all the good and bad development of our species. So, in that social comparison, in that drive to better ourselves and provide better for our offspring we tend to commit to things that aren’t necessary nor are they needed. We often loose this sense of priorities. Yes, I’m sure a private school has better quality of teaching but does private school has 5 times better quality? Or 10 times? Or 100 times? For sometimes they cost 5 or 10 or 100 times more. So, our fear in a social setting is largely made by our struggle to compare with our environment. With our peers and with our social strata. The reality is we are comparative creatures and that largely drives our social standing and status.

For an example, I’ve seen Kenyans change cars so frequently buying ever newer and fancier models while living in a substandard housing. It is more important to look good on Friday night then it is to provide self or family with a better living condition. I still drive the same secondhand car I bought when I arrived in 2010. And there’s nothing wrong with it. It drives the same it did 8 years ago.

So, the question here is how much of our fear is caused by our social comparison and how much would our quality of life improve had that been different? Well, from my personal example it contributes quite significantly to what I do – or did. I cannot say I’m completely immune to it – I cannot be if I am a social creature, and I am – but I’ve dealt with it quite a bit over the last couple of years. I guess as one grows older and realizes that people may be impressed by looks at first but if there is no substance that ends up being a passing intoxication. And let’s face it, without substance the looks are passing, both physical and those produced by great cars and fancy clothes. So, while a motorhead in me still gets a quickening of pulse when I see a really nice car the 44-yr old middle age man in me pushes on towards things that are important. Things that matter and that certainly isn’t a brand new V6 and alloys.

So, once we drop or manage the social comparison we end up being a lot clearer with what is needed and what is important. Once we process that need to compete with surroundings we realize that there is a whole new world out there. And processing that need removes a lot of fear. Processing it makes you reprioritize what is important. Basic needs for you and family. Meaningful and gainful employment. Meaningful social engagement with family and your circle of friends. A tad of physical activity and a pinch of emotional engagement. That’s it really. There is nothing else we need to keep us content. It is super interesting to see what happens to us when we either realize that or when we start practicing it for the two aren’t the same. In my personal case the realization probably came quite some time back but practicing it was always elusive. I have this tendency to dilute and forget what’s important from time to time so I end up being consumed by fear not realizing that all it needs it a little time to look at things out of the box, realign priorities, focus on what’s important, and start working on it.

Our human fear, bar war and major calamity, is largely constructed by ourselves and in our heads. We are more than capable to deal with issues. More than capable of dealing with fear. And our processing, cognitive part of the brain is more than capable of handling this type of fear. If we only let it do its job!