Fear: Black America’s First Language

*Note*

My parents always told me never voluntarily disclose anything that a potential employer might find controversial. You are Black so you must be twice as good, to get half as much. While watching the attack on the Capitol Building and the shame free rioters I said…maybe it is time that my professional and personal side merge into one. Maybe me being controversial isn’t what I should worry about right now? I mean what’s a little controversy in light of a failed coup?

I wrote this on Election Night 2020. And much of what I wrote that night was sadly prescient. I kept it to just friends and family by posting it deep in an old account on Facebook. But after a close call coup and a second impeachment…I felt it was time to share my thoughts with my professional network.

So here it is…a cozy fireside chat with my colleagues and friends on race, politics, and American exceptionalism. It’s a doozy…. It’s long…It’s unedited…but It’s my truth. For those of you who read this I thank you for your time.

*End Note*

FEAR: BLACK AMERICA’S FIRST LANGUAGE

It’s Election Night 2020 and right now, I’m doom scrolling twitter and watching the news through my fingers. It has been a terrible four years and yet somehow, this night is…utterly terrifying. The what if’s are more than I can take….so while we all collectively stress eat I thought I’d post my thoughts on fear. Because one way or another we are all afraid.

President Franklin Roosevelt said the only thing we have to fear is...fear itself. Whelp, I’m raising my hand here. I’m afraid of fear.

Why? Mostly because fear is a powerful motivator, and I wonder what that fear is motivating OTHERS to do? And when I say others, I mean White people. Because for Black people, our fear is not existential it is specific and tempered by generational experiences. I’m not dismissing or invalidating anyone’s fears. This isn’t the “who-is-more-scared” one-upmanship game. I am trying to share my own point of view because being Black in America carries fear, not just for this election, but for every election. And by that I mean, for Black America, fear is our first language. It is the language we learned as our culture and homeland were washed away in the waters of the Middle Passage. We learned to speak the language of fear in the bottom of a slave ship, as they brought us here, built a country on our backs, bred us like stock horses, forced us to live in people sized doghouses in their backyard, and sold us like old couches on Facebook marketplace. Black people are fear experts. And the scary actions of White people against Black people did not stop with slavery folks. So yes, Black people’s fears are based on 450 years of White people’s shitty behavior and are only slightly lessened by the last 80 years of less shitty behavior from white people.

Guys, disclaimer here, I’m going to curse. Quite a bit. Not because I’m cursing at you, but because a good curse word coupled with good vocabulary is how I express myself. So read this and ignore the blue language if it is too much for you. But read it. Please. Ok, let’s get back to it!

Right now a lot of my white friends and colleagues are scared. Conversations at work about race and politics once extremely taboo are happening in hushed tones before and after people log into zoom. Apologies about white privilege and private personal pledges to me about being an ally occur regularly. My white friends share their fears by asking me weird questions that are both annoying and sadly sweet in their desperation to get it right. We talk quickly between meetings or on the sidelines of kid’s soccer games about polling numbers and our desperate hope that Biden wins. We are professionals so we focus on data. But we are also parents so we are terrified of what version of democracy we will leave our children. Which means we read politico and Nate Silver late at night hoping for more data. But data is cold comfort as we watch our country tear itself apart.

Be ye not afraid is what the Bible says, so although it may be our first language, Black people quickly shared other languages with their fellow slaves’ languages like joy, hope, sadness, and anger. Which means as a Black woman it doesn’t resonate with me to just talk about fear because White people are now afraid. Sure, if that is where White people are starting, I’ll share my fears too…but only if White people listen to my sadness, anger, joy, and hope. So I’m going to tell you my fears and provide the context of why I’m scared, sad, but still hopeful.

But let’s back up a bit. Hi, I am Danielle. After working with me or meeting me at industry events, I’m sure you’re asking what makes her a credible source to comment on politics, fear, race, and American exceptionalism? Well, I’m a 43 year old Black woman, with a Black husband, a mixed race son, a White America corporate job, a big mixed race family, and I’m scared as shit right now. Does that count?

As I type all of this, I’m very nervous. I’ve never written publicly. I don’t know if I’m saying too much, not enough, being too angry, being too sad, being too bitch-witty, or going too deep. I don’t speak for the entire Black community or speak for all Biden voters. Also, I think all minority groups, particularly Indigenous minorities, have equal or greater fears to share here so I’m not speaking for anyone but me. Let me also say, I am privileged, but I’m Black and a woman so there are tradeoffs to my privilege. I’m a cis-gendered, wealthy, happily married woman coming from an elite, educated, stable two parent home which allows me access that most do not have. Yet and still, my privilege is limited by my skin. And in this country that skin can be a death sentence.

On the TV show Lovecraft Country, a Black ancestor during the Tulsa riots tells her time traveling progeny , “When my great, great grandson is born, he will be my faith turned into flesh.” As a Black woman full of Black girl joy, filled with the faith of my ancestors, I cannot falter and give into hopelessness. I face the future with my child’s love lighting the way. I hope my thoughts as a friend and American can give you something to consider because you seem like good people and what really matters is that we all work together. It may take faith to move mountains, it may be scary to do it, but it takes hope to believe mountain moving is possible.

Wait, let me back up again. I’m going to make a terrible but amusing analogy. This parable should help facilitate our cozy fireside chat. Particularly for those that read home décor blogs or follow lifestyle influencers. For the rest of the world it might be a bit janky of a parable but it works well enough.

Deep breath, here goes…

Let’s start our analogy with the idea that you and your husband are hotly debating remodeling your kitchen, particularly rebuilding your countertops. You are mostly fine with the kitchen as is, perhaps just some cosmetic changes, switching out hardware, painting, adding some new lighting. But your main focus is rebuilding the countertops. Why? Because your husband is 8 feet tall and you are 5 feet tall. Let’s also pretend your partner’s grandfather built the counter tops in your kitchen before he died and left the house to your husband. In this fake story, grandpa was tall too, and a bit of a dick, so he built the counters deliberately at a height of 6 feet. But he was a genius who built countertops, so being a jackass is not really the point.

There your partner is, standing in your kitchen, eating delicious ice cream out of a bucket of ice cream he’s set on the countertop. Note, he set the ice cream on the countertop by choice. And you are angry and frustrated standing next to him because you can’t reach the ice cream on the counter. But your husband is just grinning and spooning ice cream into his mouth, saying, “Hey! Look! It’s not my fault that I’m born this tall! It’s not my fault the counter is built this high. It’s not my fault you can’t reach the ice cream! But if you insist, we can make cosmetic changes. I’m on board for that.”

Of course, no one would blame him for being that tall, or for the fact that the countertop is that high. Obviously neither of those things are his fault. But at the same time… you’d probably think he is shitty if he didn’t take steps to tear down his grandfather’s problematic countertops and rebuild them so that you can HAVE SOME DAMN ICE CREAM WITH HIM.

My fear today is that we still can’t admit that if you manage to get some ice cream, it isn’t fair. That the struggle is real ya’ll. A large part of America want our country to stay the same despite the inequalities… well staying the same just isn’t sustainable. That lack of sustainability and growth cannot be denied or really apologized for. These are just facts. And they are facts that have generational consequences. These facts can only be agreed to and adjusted by equitable policies, politics, and practices. These facts are not relative to LGBTQ people, Black people or minorities who experience inequality.

These facts are why Black Lives Matter and why it is a revolutionary statement and not a no shit sentiment. Why? Because we built this country (and basically the kitchen and those countertops), for fucking free. Think about that for a minute. Grandpa built the countertops too high for anyone else. And he used slave labor to do it. That’s deep. So really the new hardware, paint, and tile aren’t going to help you actually use the kitchen. It only really functions for Grandpa and sorta for your husband. And that means not only do you not get to really eat any ice cream, it means you guys can’t live together like a real family.

But let's go back to the kitchen. In this overwrought metaphor, All Lives Don’t Get Ice Cream. Especially, if your husband is being a bit of a prick and eating it in front of you on a countertop he damn well knows you can’t reach. The systemic issues aren’t about “White people” specifically; they are about institutions staying the same and no one getting to enjoy each other, no one cooking a meal together, no one feeling good being in the kitchen. The husband feels sort of guilty and resentful about the ice cream and the wife feels sort of pissed and confused about the not sharing thing. Every marriage counselor, wise old woman, and long-term couple knows that there is no connection if you can’t share ice cream. No family, no marriage, and clearly no country can survive that level of inequality. Those countertops have got to go. Ultimately, we all just want some ice cream. But what Black people deserve is equity and we strive to get it, by any means necessary. This country is ours by blood and birthright, so share the ice cream or rebuild the countertops, and stop killing us. In case it isn’t clear the husband is you, White people. The wife is me, Black people. The kitchen is America. And the ice cream is just all the goodness we could enjoy if too high countertops built on systemic racial injustice and White supremacy were shorter. And none of this is anyone’s “fault”, but now it’s up to all of us to “rebuild the countertops”. Lol. And if you are a home décor enthusiast like me then you know remodeling and rebuilding anything in a kitchen is a group project that takes a budget, a plan, and some serious attention to detail.

Ok forward into my fears! Walk with me as I tell you why I’m equally scared, sad, and hopeful.

MY GREATEST FEAR: POWERFUL WHITE MEN LOSING POWER

I’m scared of powerful white men’s anger, their ability to manipulate behind the scenes, their rank arrogance, and the damage they can do to ALL of us as with the scorched earth shit they’ll deploy if cornered. Powerful, old white dudes are the real OG gangsters. They legit ride or die for each other. And all of us pay when they feel threatened. Did I just say that out loud? Yes, I did. I’m standing in my truth here people.

Let’s unpack what I said. I’m not scared of a White PERSON, because we are all just human. I’m scared of White America losing power, because White America will destroy democracy before they expand it for all of us to enjoy. You see, White America has never COLLECTIVELY LOST at anything. White America has never COLLECTIVELY BEEN AFRAID of anything. To be powerless and afraid isn’t a White American thing. I guess they are just lucky that way. Lol.

Now before people jump all over me and say everyone has lost and White folks have it hard too, let me be clear. I GET IT. We’ve all been disenfranchised and lost in one form or another to people in power. Hell, the opioid crisis has shown us all no matter the drug or the race, addiction is a scourge that crushes Whites, Blacks, and everything in between. So yes, White folks know personal loss and lack of power. Although when we had the crack epidemic, White people said it was a failure of Black people’s moral character because addicts should just say no to drugs. But now that White folks are struggling with rampant opioid drug use, it's a crisis? But I digress. White America as a group doesn’t really know how to be afraid. It isn’t a language they’ve learned. Until now.

Let’s talk about a fear both Black and White people now share, namely losing the power of your vote through the pernicious activities of powerful White men. In the Bush vs Gore 2000 Election case old White dudes played fast and loose with the Electoral College to win a presidency on the thin margin of 537 votes. We all learned they’d do anything just this side of legal, but still immoral to hold on to the White House. That by lying, cheating, and clever maneuvering, politicians and judges turned politicians have changed the Founding Fathers’ intentions to meaningless metaphors. No matter your politics I think we can all agree that people in power are intentionally and willfully putting their fingers on the scale of our democracy. I’m scared that we are in a position where not just my vote, but many of our votes don’t matter. And I’m scared now because I don’t see a way to stop it. And thus, I don’t see how our democracy is safe. And if that doesn’t scare you shitless, I don’t know what will.

SHAKING IN MY BOOTS: THE NAKED POWER GRAB OF THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE

The undisputed power of the Electoral College literally keeps me up at night. I frantically count electoral college votes every week like I’m a pollster. No shade but, Pennsylvania I’m looking at you right now with terror in my heart. And it is all because we’ve debated abolishing the Electoral College, but we’ve never actually done anything about it. Mostly because White People weren’t afraid enough of it. But now Woke White America is scared of the unbalanced representation of the electoral college. You know that old racist slave based American institution that has within my lifetime allowed three separate US Presidents to win the Presidency with less than a majority of the (popular) votes? Yep, that one. For Black people that fear of voter disenfranchisement was baked in as soon as the 15th amendment allowed us to vote. Because as a Black community we knew, you can do everything right, you can vote perfectly as a voting bloc, you can show up and show out, but you can still lose. Which begs the question: does the public’s vote really matter? THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULDN’T VOTE, BECAUSE EVERY VOTE MEANS SOMETHING!! No matter your party or your politics, everyone seems to be on message: Vote. Vote. Vote. Each time I see those words, I feel it, and I’m excited by it. Voting is what makes us American. There is nothing more important than our vote. Nothing. Next week is not the beginning of the election, it’s the end. As of today, 85 million Americans have cast their vote. We’ve shown up. We’ve done our part. No matter what candidate we are voting for I’m so proud of my fellow Americans. Really. Civic duty in action is my new kink.

But riddle me this, why are we debating the necessity of the electoral college while actively participating in state elections that are not run by an electoral college? As a country we have literally hundreds of years of data proving that direct popular voting works because every election at the state level is a direct election with occasional run-offs as needed. So, we know electoral colleges are not necessary for democracy to function.

Black America has been fighting for our votes to mean something for generations. Mostly because the White and the powerful wanted to make sure we never got too far out of their control. So as a Black woman I care about dismantling the electoral college because people like me who were considered to be 3/5ths of a human being were used to ensure Southern states equal representation by using us as almost half of their population while they literally enslaved my ancestors. And White people keep saying they don’t see race and slavery as pertinent. That slavery was a long time ago. Well hells bells stop using a slave-based outdated voting system to control policies and politics. If my vote counts and your vote counts, then why the hell does some old plantation owner from the 1800’s STILL get to tell me who is going to be president? Look, I respect the Founding Fathers. Ben Franklin was a goddamn genius. Thomas Jefferson was a true renaissance man. George Washington was a military mastermind. And Hamilton...that dude was just all around awesome. We wouldn’t be a country without those visionaries. They were brilliant and built something out of literally nothing. But enslaving Black people to build the USA, while espousing freedom for the common man is beyond inconsistent with modern American values. I mean we can all see the cognitive dissonance of our nation's birth and how we whitewash our Founding Fathers’ complex life choices. Right?

So even if the electoral college isn’t totally a racist thing, it was built and designed to benefit specific states that were heavily invested in chattel slavery by men who were either complicit in or actively benefiting from that slavery. So, it’s infuriating for old time racist ideas to be in my voting booth and not modern day folks picking our president. Which brings me back to fear. Because now we are ALL afraid that because some powerful old White dudes feel someone is threatening their power, they’ll use the Electoral College to burn this democracy to the ground before they let minorities take over.

SAD AND SCARED: THE NEW CIVIL WAR THAT DESTROYS DEMOCRACY

A white woman I’m friends with said one of her fears is there are two groups in America on a collision course that will drag all of democracy down with them. Those two groups are: those that want America to stay the same DESPITE inequalities and those that want America to change BECAUSE of our inequalities.

Let’s take a step back here and talk briefly about Black sadness. A long time white décor blogger I follow named Emily Henderson wrote a post on George Floyd. Unlike many of her fellow décor / design leaders Emily has taken the risk over the years and written at least five posts on social justice issues or politics. For example, she wrote about Trump winning in 2016 and Gun Control after one of the shootings. Both of those posts garnered thousands of comments. Many of those comments were an education for me, I learned so much and from viewpoints different then my own. It was fascinating. Fast forward to Emily’s blog post on George Floyd. On that post I commented on actively changing your social media algorithm to see Black American life, not just through the lens of struggle, but also through joy of entertainment, art, and home décor accounts. Emily wrote a post the next day sharing my list and building on what I said. Over the next month many of us watched as the White and the Powerful Design bloggers “discovered” Black décor bloggers that have been working for years with less visibility. Everyone got excited, mics were shared, mentor programs were started. It was a whole vibe. And I loved it. But it was surreal and saddening to watch Black Influencers platforms grow because of the murder of a Black man by the police. I read a Black blogger’s post about the complicated pain and trauma for Black bloggers of George Floyd’s death mixed with excitement of having these new followers and I actually cried. It is rare in the Black community that our gains aren’t mixed with some sort of pain. The names of Black victims murdered by police are miles long at this point. But the pain and the sadness, is immeasurable. They lived. And ultimately, they were killed because they were Black. The fucking humanity of it all breaks my heart.

But I must acknowledge that there is real despair and poignancy in the motto Make America Great Again. Obviously that motto makes me uncomfortable for all that it has come to stand for. Yet and still, the poignancy of that statement makes me so sad. Because it has a whisper of quiet desperation to stay frozen in time because it feels safer than the future. And it crushes me that my fellow American’s have chosen the past as a place of salvation and safety. If I squint those fears are understandable, but they just aren’t relatable. Because ultimately that MAGA motto, that ethos, will create a situation where the fear of that changing future fucks up democracy forever. Not only am I afraid of that, I’m deeply saddened by it. Black people are sad and many times full of fear, but we’ve never faltered in our focus on expanding our rights and thus democracy. But somehow my fellow MAGA American’s have chosen the unrealistic fantasy of Norman Rockwell over the expansion, protection, and participation of Democracy. Even though there was no past where America was greater than we are today.

So in truth, Black people have ALWAYS feared America staying the same. Staying the same is a death sentence for us. Staying the same is how we were enslaved for generations and it literally took tearing the country apart to finally say…”Hey, maybe Black people shouldn’t be slaves anymore. I’m just spitballing here but it might be a good idea to free actual human beings to live their own lives on their own terms.” It took a whole ass Civil War for those powerful American White men to begrudgingly agree. And Black people are STILL scared America will stagnate and stall out. For example, being Black in America means being afraid of the newly conservative Supreme Court as a dangerous thing not just because of ACA, LGBTQ marriage, and abortion, but also because of upcoming cases on the docket for redistricting, restrictive covenants, workers rights, affirmative action/diversity rights, justice issues, etc. that all affect Black communities disproportionately more than white ones.

PISSED OFF AND SCARED: WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM  

I’m not sure how to even share this fear, mostly because I’m just pissed off. I can’t STAND when White people say, “If you hate America why don’t you leave? Or I’m proud to be an American and you’re making it seem like I should be ashamed. Or, you’re not a patriot because this country is awesome, and you are ungrateful. You people espouse all that history, but it doesn’t really tell me what you actually want except some sort of whiney apology or, God forbid, reparations.”

Good points. Let’s dig into what you said…because it’s low key shitty of you to say. These questions/statements have a lot of subtle things to unpack. All of it seems appropriate, but it really isn’t inclusive or honest about how the game works. And to that I say let’s expand the connotation of patriot. Right now, the connotation of patriot implies white, male, and closely aligned with some sort of Christian based religion when in reality, patriotism is anyone (including all Black people, other minorities and LGBTQ people) who ignore race, class, and religion in defense of democracy. Patriotism means no matter the cost, you hold the line against all enemies, both foreign and domestic. Black people have fought in every war in American history starting with the Revolutionary War. We’ve shown up whenever our country called to defend against our enemies no matter HOW our country treated us. We don’t hate America, and we don’t need an apology; we need acknowledgement and frankly some fucking gratitude. And here is a thought that is more revolutionary than Black Lives Matter. Here is the profound truth that Make America Great Again people can’t really face: Black People love this country. Our love of the United States is profound because our love comes from pain turned into protest turned into progress. BLACK AMERICA IS PATRIOTISM WRIT LARGE.

Patriotism isn’t just about defending us against our enemies, it is also ensuring we ALL feel safe and have EQUAL choices in what that safety means. Black American’s have always asked this country to live up to its own ideals. Because ultimately Black people want this country not to be great AGAIN, but to be greater than it ever HAS BEEN for all of us. We want this country to be the best version of itself, with liberty and justice for everyone. Because our lives not only matter…our lives changed the world by birthing the United States. OUR SLAVE LABOR MAKES US FOUNDING FATHERS TOO. And just like any parent we want our child to grow and be better, not stagnant and wallowing in a plateau of laziness. So that whole group of Americans who say we want our country to stay the same despite inequalities…are scaring me. They scare me because they are willing to let democracy die through benign neglect because we won’t deal with inequalities around race, sexism, ableism, patriarchy and pain. Just so we can return to sometime in the past where White people felt safer? Really??

MY HOPE: THE FUTURE IS OURS IF WOKE WHITE FOLKS STAY AWAKE  

My quite whispered fear…What happens if Biden wins and the recently Woke White people will have checked the box of 'caring' about racial inequality and real change won't be enacted? Well humanity can surprise you. We can be terrible or we can be thoughtful. During Trump's presidency I’ve seen so much connection, learning and caring by groups that were not talking before. I’ve seen women march with pink pussy hats. I’ve seen entire continents both stand and kneel for a Black American man named George Floyd and a Black American woman named Breonna Taylor. I’ve seen voters standing in their truth on lines at the polls hours long. Yes, that does represent voter suppression when minorities average 30 minutes to vote while whites average only five minutes (6X as difficult for non-whites). But it also represents hope and investment in Democracy. I’ve seen white suburban mothers march in Portland tear gassed but blazing with righteous indignation. Amish/Mennonite people saying Black lives matter with signs on their buggies. Wiccans blessing marches on TikTok. K-pop kids using social media to create viral change in voters. Hell, I’ve seen the Democratic party actually come together behind one candidate and push for him to win. When have we ever really seen that? 2012 maybe, but even then, lots of infighting? In four years I’ve seen things none of us could ever dream of. Some of those things have been nightmares (like Covid-19 deaths), but some of those things have been the best of us doing the best we could to build the best future for America that we can (like health care workers caring for Covid-19 patients).

Black people have always known that at the darkest of times we can choose to be joyful every day. To celebrate life. To find liberty. To pursue happiness. Those choices might be constricted by politics or policies. But you can choose to not go peacefully into the dark past that MAGA alludes to. So, I will choose to focus on the future that I feel is possible, that is within our grasp. I will choose to believe that if my ancestors could be fearless, then someday we all can be fearless and walk hand in hand into the light. One way or another I’ll see you on the other side.

May God bless us and may God bless America.

Thank you for your time.