Fawning: The New F Word

Key Points:

• Stress is inescapable and permeates absolutely every part of our lives because it originates inside of us.
• ‘Fight or Flight’ are commonly known stress reactions, but there are actually two others, freezing and fawning.
• The fawning response is when someone is triggered, they acquiesce, exhibiting any behaviour needed to ward off the enemy by showing that they are not a worthy opponent.

This is part one of two article series adapted from my?white paper , discussing fawning, the new F word you need to know about.?

As the saying goes, death and taxes are life’s only guarantees. Guarantees sound quite comforting in times of great uncertainty but unfortunately, this old adage forgot one, stress. If you have a life, you will be guaranteed stress. Your nervous system is paramount for your survival; Interpret your rapidly changing world and react in a way that has the best odds of keeping you alive.?

Although stress permeates absolutely every part of our lives, we don’t get training on how to navigate stress effectively. Most people model how to ignore, avoid, or ward off stress. Society offers an infinite number of maladaptive ways of escaping stress to no avail. Just as telling an upset person to ‘calm down’, which has never in the history of the world worked, telling someone not to stress is equally ineffective. Stress is inescapable because it originates inside of us. Trying not to stress is like endeavouring to run away from your own feet. There is an interplay between our reflexes and our reactions. You swerve to miss a child running on the road. You blink when something is thrown in your direction. You pull your hand away from something hot. Whatever the trigger is, your reaction speed matters. The faster you react, the safer you are.?

This is why so many people feel such a deep sense of urgency about everything when they are stressed. Stress tells us that everything needs max attention, immediately. It can’t wait! Unfortunately, most of the things we are stressing about are not life and death, but our nervous system doesn’t know that.?

‘Fight or Flight’ are commonly known stress reactions, but there are actually two others, freezing and fawning. Freezing is a stunned response. Instead of escaping or preparing to have a scuffle, you do nothing. You just stand or sit there. A common example, you watch Netflix so long, the ‘Are you still watching?’ prompt pops up, and despite having a report to write, the next episode starts, and you do nothing to stop it.?

The fawning response is when someone is triggered, they acquiesce. Like a little, helpless fawn, when threatened, the person becomes soft, gentle, kind, or accommodating. They exhibit any behaviour needed to ward off the enemy by showing that they are not a worthy opponent. Fawning can take many forms. It could be staying stuck in toxic relationships, to taking on more work, to inviting relatives to a family gathering simply to keep the peace.?

Here are some researched informed practices that help with fawning.?

Fawning is an effective defence mechanism that has served many of us well in our lifetime. And it is totally reasonable to want to reclaim how we react in a stressful situation moving forward. Knowing about fawning is an excellent start. Practicing self-compassion is needed. Thankfully, despite it feeling like everything is coming at us all at once, the reality is we can only react to one thing at a time. If you don’t like how you are showing up, choose again.?

Take good care my friends,

Dr. Robyne

Interested in this topic? Please join me later this week as I unpack our fawning response and discuss more helpful practices to aid in creating a resilient lifestyle.?