Fawning as Leaders: Unsafe Organizations

What makes you feel safe and whole in an environment? Is it the policies that are written even if they are not followed? Is it watching your leaders in action being the embodiment of the policies? Do you even consider safety when selecting a place to work or do business?

While safety is the foundational requirement to thrive in life it is socially acceptable to not require it. You are told to get a job to sustain yourself. Having a job means that you are at the mercy of success of someone else's vision and business to meet your needs. In an organization where leaders embody human centric values, it can be a beautiful collaborative creative space. This is where I would like to open your eyes to a few things. Leaders have blind spots and that’s why leadership coaches exist. The blind spots can look like allowing people to stay in positions of power unchecked; assuming written policies are being understood when they are read and not offering embodiment practices; and not creating an environment of consent. People stay in positions of power without requiring professional and personal development. Having a leadership coach could be the answer here. People must want to be better and do better. Even with a leadership coach, someone who is coasting in a leadership position, will fail to be a leader. Speak to them and connect deeply to know what they require. Perhaps they have a need to move on and feel stagnant or perhaps the stagnation is in another place in their life and starting to spill over into how they show up at work. Be in conversation with your people and let them know you are a soft place to land. When you change policies recognize that people have a variety of learning styles and know that there is a bell curve of accepting change. Making ways to embody the new policies available is a win for everyone and the organization as a whole. Finally consent is the safety that everyone requires and not often discussed. Consent is the part I see most often intentionally left out. I will come back to this point. Let’s define leadership and for the purpose of this article look at where you can create and choose to be better leaders.?

Leadership is a word that is being stretched like laffy taffy and misused to suit personal agendas. In a time when we have so many leadership coaches and leaders who propel the status quo or colonized agendas, it makes you wonder if anarchy might be a better choice. As I am writing this I am struck by my own provocative thoughts about leadership. The deeper I go into the world of leadership and leadership coaching I am seeing many disconnects and normalized toxicity. I will begin here with naming the normalized toxic behaviors of people and then describing how leaders show up. Some accepted behaviors are microaggressions whether they are sexual, racial or gender based. We laugh off or laugh at these age old specific personalized infractions. As a staff member or employee, you may laugh because you are feeling uncomfortable, relieved that you are not being targeted today or in expectation that your leader will do the “right” thing. As a leader, you may ignore, diminish, or encourage laughter which is the most insidious, egregious and perpetuation of micro aggressions. It is also known as fawning.?

Fawning is a trauma response that uses people-pleasing behavior to appease or supplicate an aggressor, avoid conflict, and ensure safety. This trauma response is exceedingly common, especially in complex trauma survivors, and often gets overlooked. Difficulty saying ‘no,’ fear of saying what you really feel, and denying your own needs — these are all signs of the fawn response. You may be thinking that you don’t have trauma. I am here to inform you that we all have collective trauma beginning with the device in your hand. Phones cause lots of disruption because of the constant alerts, the easy access to information that may be too much for our hearts moment by moment and daily. We have trauma in our DNA from colonization whether you are white or black or any other color. We have experiential trauma from micro and macro aggressions which are normalized. Recognizing your individual state and being in the awareness of the state of humans you have a choice as a leader to be true to your heart or allow the toxicity to prevail. If you are not changing the world you are keeping it polluted. You see the effects of it everyday.?

It may look like, someone has a personal desire for satiation and you go along because you think it supports the team objectives only to discover that even with all of their expertise they are using your trust for personal endeavors. We have seen this in the political realm where one key advisor is swaying an entire government or city. You believe that the person was following the policies and protocols until you realize that they are disingenuous with their way of being or simply disrespecting boundaries. This is why consent matters to respect and embody boundaries to create safety. When leaders fawn, we all lose.?

Create robust consent policies and avoid perpetuating the status quo. Be the forerunner in your industry and be known as the safe place to land. What is consent? It is so much more than saying yes it no. It is checking in from a place of genuine care and concern for the people in your organization as well as the mission and vision. It is knowing that consent can change and knowing the signs of when it has changed for someone. Humans are not linear and you must be in constant conversation and awareness of the fluidity of change of state. According to Cornell Law School website, here is one definition of consent:

“Consent means that a person voluntarily and willfully agrees in response to another person's proposition. The person who consents must possess sufficient mental capacity. Consent also requires the absence of coercion, fraud or error. Consent is an essential constituent of a contract and a defense to a tort…Consent can be divided into express and implied. Express consent is the consent given directly, either verbally or in writing. Implied consent is the consent that can be inferred by actions, signs or facts, or even by inaction or silence.”

I intentionally left out the portion mentioning sexual definitions of consent and recognize that implementing consent from some subcultures could benefit organizations and a society as a whole.?

In summary, if you as a leader desire to make your organization safe, address your own trauma and select a leadership coach who will be a soft place to land and course correct your toxic choices. It begins with awareness and naming a thing a thing. Then being willing to show up for your people in the implementation through embodiment. Finally creating reassurance in your policies with full consent of all.?If you would like to turn your organization around, contact me for leadership coaching.

Cordelia Gaffar is the Ultimate-Joy Goddess. Normalizing great sex. She has created two processes: Replenish Me is the foundational process which helps you create sustainable practices of self-nurturing and prepares you for the next step. Four Mind Alignment Four Mind Alignment infuses Authentic Tibetan Tantra guiding you towards self-mastery and emotional stability by aligning your four minds (lotus, stomach, heart and brain).?

As the CEO of Workout Around My Day Inc, Cordelia is a globally sought after speaker, workshop and movement facilitator, a four time best-selling author of eight books, a two time awarding podcast host for her personal podcast The Free to Be Show formally, The Replenish Me Show and leads as well as co-host a team lead for the Ultimate Coach podcast. Certified in Sports Nutrition, Holistic Healing Practitioner, Certified Mvt109 Facilitator, working on Authentic Tibetan Tantra Certificate and PhD in Holistic Sexual Healing. She coaches executives, world leaders and change agents.