Fault In Our Stars

“A great man is always willing to be little” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Once a poor beggar was praying in the early morning hours while it was still dark. He wailed and cried loudly, "Please forgive me my Lord. I am nobody. I am the poorest of the people, the greatest of all sinners".

The beggar was asking for forgiveness as he heard another person praying in the dark near him.

The beggar recognized him as the emperor. The emperor cried out,"I am nobody. I am nothing. I am just a beggar. Please forgive me". 

The beggar continued to pray for a few minutes, till he realized the emperor was staring at him. He suddenly screamed at the beggar angrily. "Who is trying to overtake me? How dare you speak louder than the King! And saying you are a nobody when he is saying he is a nobody".

The beggar smiled and said, "You say you are a nobody, but you are still another imposter hiding behind the mask of humility".

Pride has many faces, including fake humility. But true humility opens more doors than fake pride ever will.

The above story rings true for what I have been noticing for some time now. It is a strange kind of human condition, where being humble is seen as a weak trait and not given its due share of consideration. But being arrogant, is seen as a characteristic of a confident 'go-getter'. And don’t get me started to talk about those pompous proud people pretending to be humble. One can sense them a mile away, and yet they continue the fake charade.

With time, I am only seeing more unhappy, fake, empty shells who are not at peace and are literally trapped in their own self-created doom. And when they are asked to be true to themselves, they blame 'bad' destiny or say, it’s a Fault in Our Stars. They have to be this way, as the world forces them to be like this. How can they move ahead in life, if they are true to themselves? How can such people survive in today’s dog-eats-dog environment?

A valid reasoning, but not valid enough in my books.

With this I need to shed some light on a virtue we do not think enough of - Humility. But why is humility seen in such poor light and arrogance given more of a good rep?

That is because it is our innate human condition that keeps us arrogant, unfortunately.

The Parting of Pride

What is this human condition? Many questions arise within me, when I think of this state, we often encounter ourselves in. What is the dire need to keep one-upping the other? Why the constant craving to feel superior to others? Why think the world is your audience when it could be the other way around? Why the persistent worry of what others think of us or who got ahead of us in the rat race of success?

Our pride – nothing but a genuine flaw in personalities.

Now I am not referring to the self-esteem kind of pride. I refer to the darker side of pride - The self-conceited, arrogant, superiority complex that we can suffer from.

Like 2 sides of a coin, it is polar opposite to humility. C.S Lewis once said, ‘Pride is like spiritual cancer, that eats our very souls. It keeps us away from being able to love or ever find any real contentment in life’. I cannot agree more.

They say pride comes before a fall. I say pride comes before any flaw.

I know this blog was supposed to be about humility, but you cannot understand humility if you do not understand its opposite - Pride. They go hand in hand. Like water and fire cannot co-exist, the more you work on being humble, the less arrogant you will be.

Humble Way or The Highway

But what is humility and why is it seen as a kind of weakness? The accepted definition of being humble is that it is a modest of one's own importance. But for me, this is a one-sided view of humility. Thankfully, psychologists have recently stated that humility is unrelated to downplaying your positive traits and accomplishments.

Now here is the twist. Humility is all about ‘hypo-egoic nonentitlement’

This means, the dividing factor between being humble and non-humble is the belief that your accomplishments and positive attributes do not entitle you to special treatment. Humble people think they are like others, with the same mixed bag of shortcomings, failures, weaknesses and so forth. They do not expect extra attention, interest or any kind of special treatment. This is the core of being humble - no special treatment needed.

Now, what’s the core of arrogance? Using your hypo-egoic entitlement card on others, you will want people to give you special treatment, feel entitled to use others and take more than you give. An overall selfish perspective underlining all you do.

Epicenter of arrogance

I feel arrogance, is rooted in comparison. You want to be richer, more successful or more accomplished than others. Now there is nothing wrong in wanting more in life. It’s to be on a constant battle to outdo another, is where one needs to draw the line.

No wonder being humble is a virtue, as you regard all as equal, despite your own caliber, titles or achievements. It takes a different kind of mindset to be like that.

Cosmic Significance

But why does this human condition exist? Some have pointed out that we as humans, are looking for ‘cosmic significance’, where we are literally starving for glory. Why? Because we fear being ignored and being ‘not seen’ literally. Even when you are disliked, it means people are noticing you.

But what if you are just a shadow of a shadow? No wonder there is a constant urge to show up and make the world see that one’s life matters. But showing this through pride or arrogance, is where you rise up or fall from grace.

Gift of Humility

The reason I am writing this blog is to give humility some needed attention. Today, humility is sadly seen as a weakness than a true force of being. People regard the humble as someone who can be a doormat for others. This is an absolute myth! And it upsets me to think that this high virtue is not given its due importance.

So, note this. Humility has nothing to do with low self-esteem. In fact, someone who is truly humble sees others as equals. They rarely feel insecure or self-conscious. Their sense of worth is not tied to their belongings, the past, shortcomings or assets. Without a second thought, they give credit for that which they are not and being confident within themselves, feel no need for competition. Being humble means, that you see yourself as a limited being and one who can always learn from others.

Ever sat in the company of a person who radiates humility? You feel an instant peace, as your shoulders relax and your heartbeat slows down. Why? Because you are being fully heard and accepted for who you are. Humble people are able to do that because they have accepted their own strengths and limitations without judgement, and are able to cast that compassion for humanity in general.

Indeed this is a characteristic of many timeless great leaders. Without negatively impacting their self-esteem, humble people work on their limitations by being open to new ideas, advice and criticism. But don’t just think it’s the good for leadership. Research has also shown that being humble in our daily dealings, helps us handle stress more effectively and better levels of physical and mental wellbeing. The humble are also more generous, helpful and grateful which helps build relationships and lasting friendships.

Then why do we have such a skewed thinking towards this powerful human aspect that resides in all of us? Some things will never make sense.

It takes a simple approach to help cultivate this grand behavior within you.

·       The Human within You - Accept with Open Arms

The environment around us makes us see shortcomings or failures as a reflection on our abilities. Our self-esteem gets knocked off its foundation and we start questioning our self-worth. Being humble helps us see these events as mere events. Be secure in yourself, that life is a dance between shortcomings and up-swings. If you can detach yourself and see how they both help you become more human, grounded and self-aware, you will embrace them wholeheartedly. You are worthy. You are special and you are capable of getting over these hurdles, as you have done before. But don’t let pride or anger enter your heart. They are waiting at the doorsteps of failure and success. Humility is the under-riding force that can bring you peace in both twists of life.

·       Love Yourself - Warts and all

There is a wise saying ‘If you are in a dark room, do not beat the darkness with a stick. Simply turn on the light’. Being gentle with yourself is key on the road to humbleness. This starts with an ‘internal audit’. You must see yourself completely and accept your strengths and weaknesses. Being more mindful and loving who you are, is the beginning of the humble journey. However, if you journey on the road of pride, you will ignore your flaws and marvel at your blessings. Beware of this sickness, as it starts innocently but before you know it, envelopes you in the darkness of pride. Learn to love yourself completely.

·       Ask for Help - It’s a gift

Growing trust and a bond with others, is important in trying to be humbler. You can lower the head of pride by asking for help from others. Admit when you have made a mistake or cannot do something as well as the other. Ask for help, and you will see pouring in of aid from even the strangest of places. Open yourself to learning from others. It surely is a gift to ask for help. If you receive it, understand that miracles do happen every day. We just have to start looking instead of just seeing.

·       The Grateful Outlook - Switch your lens of life

When you are grateful for what you have, you realize you have more than you need. Isn’t that a blessing in itself? What peace one has inside when they see they have so much that others do not. Water hot or cold, roof over your head, money in the bank, family and more. Keep a list of things and keep adding to it daily. This will help you to focus on others, than just your own self. Say ‘thank you’ more and see how many people were involved to help you where you stand today. It is a humbling moment, when you see that you did not achieve it all on your own, but on the shoulders of many others.

Stay humble. For if you let arrogance start bleeding your heart, understand it will not be long before you are cheated off destiny. When humble ones are faced with the scorn of the world, they might say that “the fault is in our stars”, and destiny is not favoring them. My advice? Do not try and ‘fix yourself’ because you are not broken. Just shine and remind the world of what they can be. Maybe that is your True Calling. 

Let me share a famous poem, “If” by Rudyard Kipling that talks of keeping your chin up, when all is caving in around you.

If you can keep your head when all about you   

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,   

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster,

And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken,

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it.

There is gift given to you when you get on the humble highway. When you simply break the hardness of pride in your heart, and let compassion soften you, you are actually giving yourself inner freedom. The freedom from being an impersonator or covering up your insecurities for more fame. The freedom from constantly cringing of being exposed and playing games to stay ahead. What a relief!

One of the greatest genius that ever lived. Albert Einstein knew about the hidden power of humility behind all he did. He is quoted to have said, "Real Genius is nothing else but the Supernatural Virtue of Humility in the Domain of Thought". One wonders why such a timeless thinker would quote humility as his greatest strength?

You might think you deserve more than another or are better than another. But the reality is that we are all in the same boat, trying to find happiness. The real meaning to life is not about being rich, famous or perfect. It is not about stepping on others to rise up yourself. It is not about making others feel inferior so you may feel superior.

A life well lived is about making a difference in someone’s life with your thoughts, actions and words. No matter who you are or what ranks you carry. It is about touching the lives of others with your humility, strength and kindness. This is a responsibility we all share as humans with limited time on our hands.

Remember. People may forget what you said, but they never forget how you made them feel. There is always a tax for being arrogant and if not now, it usually catches up with you soon enough. And when it does, you will feel like you are the loneliest person in this entire world. That is a regret no one should go six feet under with. So, wake up! There is still time to change.

Be humble. Be real. Stop blaming destiny for the arrogant choices you make. With time, you will change and realize that the world changes when you change within. And then, you will truly know that there never really was, a Fault In Our Stars.