A Father’s Journey to Understand & Heal After His Child’s Suicide + Signs Someone May Be Suicidal & How to Help

Warning: this blog and podcast contains references to suicide and may be distressing.

In a recent podcast (episode #279), I spoke with Jason Reid, founder of the Choose Life foundation and creator of Tell My Story, about his own experience as a grieving father, how to get help if you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, how to recognize the signs if someone in your life is struggling, what we can do to help our loved ones who are going through a difficult time, and more. 

Suicide is a public health crisis, with approximately 800,000 people dying by suicide each year. It is the 10th leading cause of deaths in the US and the 2nd leading cause of death globally, and is one of the leading causes of death amongst young people.

If you are feeling suicidal, contact the US national suicide prevention hotline and talk to someone today: 1-800-273-8255.

The teen suicide prevention hotline in the US is: 1-800-TLC-TEEN (852-8336) between 6-10pm PST. You can also text TEEN to 839863 between 6-9pm PST.

The UK national suicide hotline is: Samaritans Helpline 116 123.

The Australian national suicide hotline is: 13 11 14.

The South African national suicide hotline is: 0800 567 567. You can also text the number 31393.

For other hotlines, see Wikipedia. You can also call your nearest hospital for more resources.

For professional counseling, we recommend checking out:

BetterHelp: https://trybetterhelp.com/drleaf

ISEPP: https://psychintegrity.org/search-for-a-therapist

Amen Clinics for brain scan consultations: https://www.amenclinics.com  

These are not crisis lines. If you are facing an emergency, we recommend contacting a medical professional immediately or dialing 911 (or the emergency number in your country).

Jason started the Choose Life foundation, whose mission is to end teen suicide by 2030, after his son Ryan committed suicide at age 14. No one in his family recognized the signs—they didn’t know that Ryan was struggling and didn’t think to ask if he needed help mentally. He was the class clown, he had a good home, he had friends, he had a loving family… he seemed “okay”, even though he did have some physical health issues. 

It never occurred to Jason to check in on his son’s mental health on a regular basis. As he notes, “When your child is physically unwell, we all take ownership of that and make sure they get the help and support the need. So why don’t we have the same attitude when it comes to their mental health?” The way we parent and show up for our children physically AND mentally is so incredibly important. We should never be afraid to ask our children how they are doing or what they are feeling. Everything may seem “normal” on the surface, but they may be struggling inside. 

We need to normalize speaking to our kids about their mental health, just like we talk to them about their physical health. When our kids think that everything is always great with us, or when we try to constantly shield our children from our own pain, they are more likely to think that something is wrong with them when they are struggling, or that they are doing something wrong. When it comes to parenting, vulnerability is key.

Of course, as parents, we want to protect our children. We don’t want anything to happen to them or to cause them pain, and, often, we don’t want to relive or share our own traumas. But talking to our children about our struggles is just what we need to do. If we give them the impression that things are always perfect or good with us, then when our kids feel bad or are struggling, they are more likely to think that they are screw ups who can’t get anything right. Our children need to know it is okay to feel depressed, anxious or sad—that it is okay to see what Jason calls “grey clouds” when, for everyone else, the sun is shining.

We also need to be careful of minimizing our children’s struggles. If our child tries to talk to us about what they are going through and we go into “fix it” mode or say something like “just be grateful… there are so many people out there that have less than you or are worse off,” then they may keep their mental struggles bottled up, which will increase their risk for mental ill-health and suicide.

True change starts with us: how we show up for our kids. If we are waiting for someone else to save our child, we will be too late. This includes:

1. Respecting their space, even if you do “pay” for the home. Let their room be their room—don’t just barge into or take over their sacred space. It’s all they have.
2. Checking in with them mentally on a regular basis. Take ownership of your child’s mental wellbeing like you care for their physical wellbeing.
3. Sharing your own feelings (in an appropriate way and at the right time), so that your children know it is okay to feel sad, depressed or anxious. Normalize mental health struggles!
4. Creating a safe space in your home so that your child knows that, when they are ready, they can talk to you. Be a good listener—let them know they can come to you without judgement. And when they want to talk, just let them talk. Cancel that work meeting, reschedule what needs to be rescheduled; just be there for them.
5. Talking about the uncomfortable. If your child is in a very bad emotional state, it is important to ask them if they have thought about hurting themselves, and, if yes, do they have a plan? This will help you assess the urgency of the situation and take appropriate action (treatments, talk therapy, hospitalization if necessary and so on). Don’t just avoid questions because they make you uncomfortable or because you fear what they may tell you.

Jason talks about these tips in detail in his film, Tell My Story, which is based on his son Ryan’s own struggles. In this amazing film, he shares his story, the warning signs that were missed, and ways we can all help to reverse the isolation and disconnectedness that is killing our youth.

For more on Jason’s work and mental health tips for parents and children, listen to my podcast(episode #279), and check out the Choose Life foundation and Jason’s film, Tell My Story.