Father's Day

I am often reminded that I must work toward a better relationship with my sons than I had with my dad.?

Much criticism is levelled at men in modern culture – Men are from Mars, men don’t show affection, men are a nice-to-have accessory and not a necessity. What’s wrong with men? But what is the consequence of the oft repeated implication that male behaviour is somehow flawed? We may appear to be almost ritualistic in the apparent simplicity with which we approach relationships (which some may find frustrating) but we have feelings. Are we really so dysfunctional?

Whenever I used to ring home from university (in the days before mobile phones) and my dad answered the phone we would awkwardly chat for a minute before he would say “I will get your mum.” We rarely talked and the phone was certainly not a means of facilitating any real communication. Was this the consequence on my dad’s poor parenting skills, an example of a broken relationship? Although we had our differences and dad was a firm disciplinarian and hard taskmaster, he was unstintingly fair and I don’t ever remember feeling unloved or unwanted.

In attempting to foster a ‘healthy’ relationship I never missed an opportunity to give my three sons hugs and kisses as they were growing up. Now they are their own independent men and I still give them hugs and tell them that I love. Like my dad, I find it hard to celebrate mediocrity but I cheer loudly with pride when they succeed in their endeavours.?

Am I normal?

Look closely at family groups and you will observe that men who can clearly show affection to wives, daughters and mothers may only shake hands with sons and/or fathers. You may feel these activities are poor substitutes for genuine affection, but to many fathers and sons they’re every bit as meaningful as words, kisses and hugs. The handshake is embedded in our history and culture, it may even be written in out DNA. Between fathers and sons, it enacts an essential rite-of-passage – on one side the pride of welcoming an equal adult (that they created) and on the other, recognition for young male adults eager to be seen as more than just a boy.?

A different kind of affection

Normalising male-female/female-female interactions is not just unscientific, it risks demonising what is (perhaps) normal and healthy father-son interactions. Look a little closer at male friendships and you will notice a subtly different type of relationship. Men often share their affection in things the do together rather than what they say; for example, go to a football match, play poker or go down the pub.?

I believe I had a ‘typical’ relationship with my dad (for the 1970s). Beyond the hero worshiping toddler years, from my teenage years onward, whenever we did talk we would end up annoying each other. And yet, he would spring into action whenever a household repair was needed. If you watched us working together you would notice that we barely exchanged more than a few words over several hours. You might consider our interactions as cold or distant. And yet, some of my fondest memories are of ‘doing jobs’ with dad. We would often laugh about how he tied cables to my ankle and would have me crawl under the floorboards when rewiring houses (not acceptable practice since the Victorian era). The week before he died he drove 200+ miles to help me with a project that was far too big to complete on my own.

I believe, men are more likely to communicate affection by doing something supportive rather than by verbal expressions, or writing “I love you.” With friends I find I am more likely to show his affection by organizing a road trip or helping with a car repair. I do the same with women. I am more inclined to help my mum with a task – mow the lawn or change a light bulb – than spend time talking at the kitchen table.

Lesser love

Pundits seem to have devalued male relationships as substitutes for ‘real’ affection. And yet, if he was alive today, I am sure my dad would agree that our most meaningful times together were spent mending stuff. To us, that was our expression of love and our shared stories reinforced how we felt about each other. In these enlightened times it is perhaps too easy to judge male relationships as being somehow flawed rather than natural. And yet, would we question the way young male lions leave the pride when they enter adolescence??

In insisting that there is something missing or wrong, with father-son relationships perhaps we are overlooking their complexity. By necessity, traditional masculinity has tended to focus on qualities like competition, independence and self-sufficiency. Such qualities often come at the expense of outward expressions of intimacy, which can convey vulnerability. Navigating modern cultural requirements sees us fathers performing a balancing act of providing a suitable example of both masculinity AND intimacy – we want our sons to be independent and we also want them to be able to express love. It is a complex negotiation the continues throughout life. In some ways you could say that the old-fashioned and (then) unquestioned version of manliness of previous generations was much less complicated and had fewer confounding ‘opinions.’

Many men do successfully become more verbally affectionate with their fathers/sons. Sadly, my dad died before I could achieve this. He did leave me one legacy. When I was about 18 he wrote me a letter. I still have it somewhere. Several pages long, I have never managed to read beyond the first page without having to stop, overcome with emotion. Perhaps I should dig it out and try finishing it again. Until then, I will always have the story of the superglue and the drawing pin on my wedding day to make me smile affectionately. I miss you dad!

By some coincidence of fate today is Father’s Day and I have all three boys at home (currently sleeping soundly in their beds). When they finally get up, I am looking forward to cleaning out the garden shed with them (and maybe a barbeque). My male relationships are already richer and more meaningful than they appear to be. And the unique way we (men) relate to one another deserves to be recognised. Let me know what you think.

Tim Hardman?is Managing Director of?Niche Science & Technology Ltd., a bespoke services CRO based in the UK. He is also Chairman of the?Association of Human Pharmacology in the Pharmaceutical Industry, President of the?European Federation for Exploratory Medicines Development?and an occasional commentator on science, business and the process of drug development.