On Father’s Day: Reflecting on Parenting Lessons I Learned from My Husband

As I read a recent Wall Street Journal (https://www.dhirubhai.net/company/the-wall-street-journal/ ) article (Moms Are Struggling With Burnout. Is It More Work to Let Dads Help? ) by Julie Jargon (https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/julie-jargon-66547a4/ ), I reflected on the question posed: is it more work to let dads help? Over the past 21 years of raising our children together, my husband Jeevan and I have learned about who we are as a couple and as parents. With dual careers and both of us often traveling for work, it hasn’t always been easy. I learnt from Jeevan that he was going to be a 100% parent and it was not my role to delegate parenting tasks to him.

In honor of Father’s Day, I am sharing some of the lessons I’ve learned from Jeevan over the years:

-???????You both are responsible to keep the wheels on the bus. I took my first big work trip when our son was still very young and spent the days leading up to the trip cooking up a storm. I felt guilty about leaving and wanted to ensure that our child’s nutrition needs were met. As I went to label the food and date it for the days I was gone, Jeevan calmly told me that I didn’t need to do that. He told me, “I don’t want to give him old food. I will make it fresh every day.”

-???????Release the expectation of perfection and the need to do everything yourself. One year, I was on a business trip when the kids had picture day at school. At the time our daughter was in elementary school and decided that she wanted a very specific hairstyle. ?Jeevan didn’t balk at the challenge when he was left on his own. He found a YouTube video and gave her the hairstyle she wanted. It may not have looked professionally styled, but at the end of the day, that’s not what mattered. Our daughter was happy with the result and the pictures looked great.?

-???????Accept that sometimes, co-parenting requires both partners to compromise. Some years ago, Jeevan was offered a job opportunity that was incredible on paper but would require him to travel five days a week. My gut instinct was to tell him that he should go for it, and that we would find a way to make it work. I will never forget how Jeevan replied, with almost no hesitation, that he was going to turn it down. As a father, he said that he didn’t want to be away from our family that much when our children were in their critical teenage years.

-???????Take on the parenting roles that work for you – not the ones that society expects. When our kids were younger, their schools hosted events and meetings to keep parents apprised of the important issues happening on campus. Most attendees were mothers. Based on our schedules, one of us would always go for the meetings. He was often the lone dad, but he never felt uncomfortable or out of place.

The most important thing I’ve learned from watching Jeevan as a father is that great parenting is made up of love and effort. It’s not gendered. As mothers, it is not our job to “let” dads help. Jeevan and I are on the same team, sharing the joys and responsibilities of parenthood as we raise our two children.

A special thank you to my partner and the father of my two children, Jeevan Mulgund (https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/jeevanmulgund/ ). You hold this together. To all the dad’s who are holding it together, I wish you a Happy Father’s Day.