Fathers

On Wednesday morning I got a message from one of my carers. Eddie Whatsapp’d me a picture of three beautiful kids in brand spanking new school uniforms. He attached a note saying, ‘Thank you for my job. Because of it, I can send my children to school looking like this.” My heart broke a bit, knowing he takes one bus and two taxis every day to get to the Recovery Lodge. He has given up his life in his own country to come here and provide for his family. He took Wednesday off in order to take the kids to school person. They are his wealth and his pride, and I hope one day they will fully understand his sacrificial love that served them so well.

The majority of my staff are single moms. The men who fathered their kids are long gone and have little interest in supporting them. I honestly do not know how they juggle work, travel, children, family and still remain so genuinely caring and kind. We recently had a young mom stay with us with a 15 year old daughter. She knew her cancer was terminal. The dad walked out before the girl was born. It is always sad when we have young people with their lives still ahead of them come to us for end-of-life care, but this broke my heart. I felt the helplessness for the mom, knowing that as the only parent she was leaving her daughter without someone who loves her unconditionally. I saw the sorrow in this beautiful teenage girl when she squeezed herself in next to her mom on the hospital bed, savouring the last days, desperately trying to make memories to fill a lifetime ahead. And, I was sad for the MIA dad too… he is missing out on watching this incredible being grow into a woman.

I was so lucky to be blessed with the most wonderful, engaged, kind dad, whose love I never doubted for even a second. I always felt protected, safe, advocated for, secure and adored. A dad that is present and loves you shapes your life, and I wonder if those of us who had/have a dad like this (and I count my daughters among these) realise just what a big difference it makes.

Here are some interesting stats about children in the US from an organisation called No-longer-fatherless that aims to mentor kids who grow up with only a mom:

85% of youths in prison, 71% of high school dropouts, 90% of all homeless and runaway children and 60% of youth suicides come from fatherless homes, and today, 25 million children in the States live without their biological dad.

If you think that’s bad, hear our numbers according to Statistics SA:

“Father absence is a significant issue in South Africa, with substantial implications for children’s development and societal outcomes. Approximately 43.4% of children live only with their mothers, and about 21.3% do not reside with either parent.” This is almost a quarter of our kids who live with an aunt or granny – or are in a child-headed home! Surely this should not be the norm.

I’m not sure whether this is just a socio-economic dilemma, as there are so many migrant workers in SA (just think about it, do you know a single gardener who is NOT from Malawi, or a car guard NOT from the DRC?) and reports say that 86% of these guys do not live with their children. Apart from this, South African women are still subjected to draconian beliefs that they have to prove that they can have children before a man will marry them, and once the woman is pregnant, nothing stops the guy from moving on. I know many women who have three or four kids, from three or four different fathers. Another generation growing up without a father’s love.

It gives me hope when I see men rising up, like Eddie, and like our manager Leonard. Leonard himself did not have the “luxury” of parents growing up, yet, he goes home to his wife and two young children every day. He takes time off for concerts and always attend parent evening. I’m amazed that he gets it so right, despite not having his own example. He made sure that he did not become part of the cycle.

It is a privilege to watch familial relationships play out before us in our work. We see people at their most raw and it is deeply profound to be allowed into these spaces. It is often the sons and daughters advocating for the dads, making arrangements, following up with doctors, demanding answers, packing medicine, insisting on better care. It takes a big chunk of my day communicating with children overseas and standing in for them physically when they cannot be here, but still love their dads from afar.

Life gets so messy, doesn’t it? Relationships are complicated, we are all overwhelmed most of the time, and for those of us in the sandwich generation (dealing with elderly parents and still raising your own family) are just trying to do our best, or at least to not do any harm. I know I mess it up on a daily basis, but I have the courage to keep on trying because I had a dad that seriously believed I could do anything.

I’m grateful that Eddie has reminded me of the importance of dads, of their influence and what an enormous impact their love makes. I love that I have the pure joy of planting a garden in my dad’s memory. Each morning when I get to work, I walk through his garden, missing him for sure, but more than that, grateful to him for the way he loved me right. In the garden I have a succulent which belonged to my great grandfather, who raised my grandmother. I also have a gate my own grandfather (who raised my mom) welded. What an incredible honour to be able to look back onto a long line of good men who were great fathers, moulding us still long after their deaths.

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