Fatherly Advice For Entrepreneur Dad's

I had a rocky relationship with my dad. Growing up, he was a nice guy and the most liked father in our neighborhood.

Yet, he was also aloof, always busy with work or in the garage, and when my parents divorced, it got worse.

I often asked him to be more active in our relationship because I saw how much effort he put into visiting his parents.

But he never did, so when it was my turn to be a father, I decided to be more engaged with my kids.

However, I developed many bad habits because of my limiting beliefs and wounds from the past. It took incredible love, patience, and support from my extraordinary wife to help me grow as a parent because most of my mistakes were not obvious to me.

All the inner struggles and painful feelings I endured while trying to mature (swallowing my pride, keeping my Ego in check, not making excuses or justifying, staying present rather than hiding in my work, trading in shame and guilt for forgiveness and love, etc.) were worth it.

I’ve got two amazing sons (15, 19) who are brilliant and accomplish impressive goals because they believe they can.

In addition to my personal experiences, I’ve coached thousands of fathers and wounded sons over the years and gained deep wisdom from those encounters that I’d like to share with you now.

These insights are for fathers and mothers at any age.

1. Avoid teasing your kid(s).?I grew up in the ’70s, and everyone was sarcastic. My family was the same; we “lovingly” teased each other constantly. The problem is that even though you might think you’re being funny, the cutting remarks can hurt your child’s feelings. They don’t always know you’re kidding around and will take it to heart.

I’ve coached clients who struggled most of their lives due to hurtful words and comments from parents and grandparents. Life is hard enough. They don’t need you to “toughen them up.” You need to be their biggest fan and support system.

1. NEVER call your kids names.?We once lived a few doors from a young woman with two adorable little girls. Yet, whenever one of the girls misbehaved, which happens all the time when you’re four years old, the mother would say, “You are awful! Just awful!” She also referred to them as “little monsters.”

The young mother did not realize the damage she was psychologically causing her children. Yet, I guarantee those girls will grow up with low self-esteem and never feel good about themselves because of their mother’s remarks.

3. Show your kid(s) lots of physical affection.?A hug, a pat on the back, a high-five, and stopping whatever you’re doing to make eye contact and give them your full attention are all non-verbal cues that let your child know s/he they are more valuable than your smartphone, laptop, and busy schedule!

If you’re going to yell, do it strategically. It’s a sign that adults have just lost control when they start shouting. I used to do this because my parents constantly screamed at each other.

What stopped this was when I observed my 8-year-old yelling at his 4-year-old brother, just like his dad. Now when I raise my voice, it’s more controlled and on purpose. Now I use volume merely to get my boy’s attention (they can be loud!)

Once I have their attention, I bring the volume back down but maintain the seriousness. I then physically direct them (walk my kid to the bathroom and point at dishes that need to be moved to the sink) rather than yelling orders from the couch or home office.

4. Hold your kid(s) accountable and be consistent! The key to developing new habits is repetition, consistency, and clarity. Help your child know what you want them to do, the rewards for good behavior, and the consequences of poor choices. *Remember to separate the child from the behavior. They are always good, even if they make a bad decision.

You must always hold them accountable, even if it messes up your plans.?If you set a rule, they break it, and you still take them to the movies because you want to go, you’re setting them up to break the rules in the future.

If I tell my kid “no” and then say “yes” because I’m too tired to argue, I’ve set both of us up for more pain and struggle down the road. Whole books are written on this one point because it’s so important!

5. Tell your kid(s) what to do instead of what not to do.?If I tell my kid, “Don’t throw that toy,” he will throw it because his brain heard, “throw the toy!” The human brain doesn’t process negation well, so it deletes words like don’t and try. Instead, express what you want them to do in the positive.

“Please put the toy over here or over there. You chose. Do it now. Thank you.” When they comply, “Great job, thank you for being so wonderful!”

6. Do more listening than talking, especially when they are teenagers and (young) adults.?I’m learning this lesson every day as my boys are older and taller than me. They don’t want my advice but want me to listen and understand where they are coming from.

If all you do is give advice, it will make your son or daughter feel like they aren’t good or smart enough to make their own decisions. Instead, be an active listener so you raise children who trust in themselves and their abilities to make good decisions.

You can repeat back some of what you are hearing so they know you are following them and can say things like, “Well, what do you think about that?” and “How else could you look at the situation?”

Being a parent is like joining the Peace Corps. It’s the hardest job you’ll ever love. Do your best, stay open to feedback, and know that you are the most important person in someone’s life!

:) Tim Shurr, MA

Founder, One Belief Away method