Fatherly Advice by Chris Howard

As a father of five children, I’ve made plenty of mistakes and learned a lot from them over the past 40 years.

The best piece of advice I can give to Fathers this Father’s Day is to vigilantly protect your word. Your kids need to know that you’re the one in control, not them, no matter what their age. They will constantly push you and look for that boundary. This is especially critical to establish when they are young. After all, who wants to live in a house where the two-year old is in charge?

How do you do that? It’s never making a statement you can’t or won’t follow through on, whether that’s a promise you’re making or your previously stated repercussions for their disobedience. If you’ve gone to Florida to take the kids to Disney, and blurt out that morning that “Stop rough housing or we’re not going to Disneyland!” your credibility is now at stake. Unless you’re prepared to follow through with that threat, you’ve just made a mistake, because they will test what you just said.

Let’s say you’re at the grocery store, you’re checking out, and your two-year-old decides they want that lollipop the stores always put in the checkout lanes (thanks a lot, Safeway!). So, you say “no” and the tantrum starts. Loud crying, pleading, maybe even laying on the floor and kicking their feet, a full-on toddler meltdown. Somehow, they always know how to push your buttons…you’re tired, embarrassed, and just want it to stop…so you give them that lollipop they wanted. Ahh, blessed silence. But what just happened? You’ve made a huge mistake by undercutting your authority and rewarding their bad behavior with candy. In exchange for a few moments of silence, you have set yourself up for years of tantrums.

Instead, stay calm and protect your word. You said no, and no means no. And while they are throwing that tantrum, tell them in a calm voice they can yell and scream all they want but it will make no difference. It’s important to explain you can outlast them. I’ve found it helps to even chuckle a little while saying it, as this helps you calm down and it shows them they’re not rattling you. Don’t be embarrassed…make eye contact with the other adults in the line and you’ll often get a knowing nod or smile from them as you say it as many of them have been there in your situation before. Your child will learn that all that extra effort will result in nothing.

It will be painful the first time they throw that fit, which they will, but the child will learn you mean what you say. They’ll also learn there’s no reward for screaming on the floor. If you falter here, you’ll set both of yourselves up for future tantrums and unhappiness.

If the crying doesn’t stop soon enough for you, or it happens the second and third time, it’s time for the next step: discipline by removing the privileges they value. In our grocery tantrum scenario, if it’s not stopping, give a countdown so they have time to react. It goes something like this:

“Jack, you need to get off the floor now. I know you want the lollipop and you’re unhappy about that, and I’m sorry but not today. I’m going to count to three and if you’re not off the floor by then, I’m going to pick you up and you won’t be watching your favorite show before bed. One….Two…Three.”

The first time through this you’ll likely get to three. Now is when you need to do what you said…you pick them up, and leave the store, and when you get home you can’t cave in when they want to watch their show later that day. There will be crying again, but ask them “What did I say was going to happen if you didn’t get off the floor?” Yes, that’s right, and that’s what’s going to happen.

Next time, by the time you say “Two,” they’ll be getting up. I’ve found that counting works really well as it gives them time to correct their behavior and they know that on “three” there will be repercussions.

For older children, find what they value and leverage that. Today it’s usually screen time. If they aren’t listening to you and disobeying, threaten to take their screen time away unless they start doing what you asked them to do. Sometimes you may need to escalate that and raise the stakes…”if you continue, you’ll lose your screen time not only today, but tomorrow too.” If your child is particularly strong willed, you might need to add another day. Again, you’ll need to follow through and hold the line on those consequences or it just doesn’t work. They’ll learn that the longer they drag things out, the worse it gets. The next time they know it’s not an idle threat and they will react faster.

The rules do need to be clear and consistent. It doesn’t work if you’re changing the rules of the game on them without warning. Staying true to your word builds trust so that they learn you mean what you say.

Let’s say you’re trying to teach them not to throw things. The first time it happens you tell them the rule…”if you throw your toy again, it’s going to be mine for a while.” Now get ready because they will now test this new rule by throwing it. Whoosh!

“What did I say would happen if you threw your toy?”        

You may need to prompt a few times because they don’t want to say it. It’s more powerful if they say it, but after three tries you can answer the question if they haven’t: ”I said the toy would be mine, and that’s what’s going to happen now.”

You pick the toy up and either hold it or put it up somewhere. Often they will start crying and pleading for the toy. Reiterate the rule and that they will get the toy back later when they calm down but not now. They may throw another toy and you’ll repeat the process. I’ve never had this go on very long as the throwing just keeps resulting in fewer and fewer toys left. Wait for them to calm down and give it 5-10 min or more. Then ask if they want their toy back or wait until they ask you. Ask if they are going to throw it again (no) and give it back, with the reminder if they throw it again it will be yours for longer next time.

You’ll be periodically tested on this but eventually they will stop throwing. You’ll have to suffer through some crying and tantrums in the short term, but it will be worth it in the long run. And again, you’re doing all of this in a calm, matter of fact way…never in anger. Easier said than done, I know. Every child is different and your results may differ.

Once you’ve established your word and the enforcement of what you say in the early years, it really helps as they get older. It acts as a subliminal message that what Dad says, goes. Not picking up the living room? Better be done in fifteen minutes or you’ll lose screen time today! They have to believe you mean it.

And Dads, it’s not all about discipline, it’s about discipling: use your authority to impart your greater wisdom in a consistent manner throughout the lifetime of your loving relationship with your children. Having a trusted word works in the positive direction too and means a fun and happy house 98% of the time. Catch them being good and praise them in the moment. Be generous with those hugs and kisses too…they all grow up way too fast.