Fatherhood is Tough Love: The Tougher We Are on Ourselves, the Gentler We Are on Our Children

Happy Father’s Day to our distinguished fathers out there. I had the honor of being the opening speaker at this year’s Intentional Parents Fathers Conference 2024, organized by The Intentional Parents Academy. I spoke extensively on a theme close to my heart, and in commemoration of Father’s Day, I would like to share the essence of my discussion with you.

Lately, I've been reflecting deeply on fatherhood, and for me, this reflection is very personal. I had my first child just a few months before turning 52. Now, at 54, I'm raising a 2-year-old who is full of energy and curiosity. This situation has led me to ponder, "What can I do to make the most significant impact on my child's life?" Given my age, I don't know how much time I have left. Longevity is everyone's hope, but I’ve seen many people, older, my age and younger, pass away. So, while I hope to live long, I also must consider the possibility of not being around for as long as I'd like.

This realization made me question what fatherhood truly means. I've understood and led many children over the years, but for the first time, I'm confronted with how to give my biological son the best fatherhood experience. How do I make the best of the time I have with him? This has led me to think about the essence of fatherhood in view of my present reality.

Reflecting on this, I realized that fatherhood is a lifestyle, not just a biological role. You must learn to be a father to all before you can be a father to one. My journey, which involved being a father figure to many children before having my biological son has taught me this valuable lesson.

The foregoing is the foundation of the philosophy of fatherhood I will be sharing in this piece. It is my irresistible conclusion, via extensive experience and rigorous research, that fatherhood involves two critical aspects: initiation of life through biology and inspiration. The first is straightforward—anyone who reaches puberty can biologically father a child. But being an inspiration to a child is where the real challenge lies. Many fathers pass the biological test but fail to inspire, and that is where fatherhood truly matters. Biology only confers a "first mover advantage" in fatherhood, providing the initial opportunity to create and nurture life. However, the true essence of fatherhood lies in inspiring and leading by example beyond this initial biological connection.

My son's birth on October 25, 2021, marked the fulfillment of the biological aspect of fatherhood for me. From that point, my focus has shifted to inspiration. It’s not enough to have brought him into this world; I need to inspire him. To inspire means to lead by inculcating values through love.

Permit me to expand on this philosophy by stating that fatherhood relies more on inspiration than biology. Anyone can pass the biological test, but not everyone can inspire. The real crisis in fatherhood lies in the failure to inspire. To inspire is to lead by example, to inculcate values through love. Love to children means appreciation and attention. To appreciate is to understand and accept the personhood of our precious children. There are four key components of our precious children personhood: First, they are of worth, made in the image and likeness of God; second, they are reasoning beings with a sense of judgment; third, they have the power of choice; and fourth, they are in a phase of life and state of development, following our examples. We only pay attention to the people we value. We spend quality time with our precious children, having meaningful, healthy, helpful, inspirational, decisive, and empathetic communication aimed at establishing our appreciation. Love, when expressed in this context, is not just an emotion but a commitment—10% emotion, 20% understanding, and 70% will. This is what I call tough love: being tough on ourselves and not on our precious children. The tougher we are on ourselves, the gentler we are on our children.

Being tough on ourselves means moderating our behavior, setting a good example, and making sacrifices for our families as fathers. The tougher I am on myself, the better example I set for my son. He will learn from my actions. For instance, my son started demanding to wear my rings because he sees me wearing them. Everything I do informs and shapes him. There is no limit to what you do for our families; there is no point where we can rightly say you’ve sacrificed enough. I do everything for my son, including changing his diapers. This is the least of expression of tough love. The real toughness lies in disciplining myself to set an example. My commitment is not about convenience but about what needs to be done.

To illustrate, Mahatma Gandhi once sent his son to get the car fixed. When his son took longer than expected, Gandhi went looking for him and found him driving back after watching a movie. The son lied, saying he was just returning from the mechanic workshop, not knowing that Gandhi had already spoken to the mechanic, who informed him that his son had left a long while ago. Instead of reprimanding him harshly, Gandhi chose to walk home, reflecting on how he had raised a son who couldn’t be honest with him. The tough love was on himself, not on the child.

Our son has regulated our lives completely. We are particular about what he watches and does, understanding that ‘everything informing him is forming him,’ in the words of Erwin McManus. This means being conscious of our actions and their impact on him. The Bible says to train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Training a child means leading by example.

Considering my abusive background, my most critical commitment is to ensure my boy does not learn the errors occasioned by my adverse childhood experiences. While I can’t control everything, I strive to be the best example for him as I keep working on myself daily under God.

Emphasizing the principle of communication as a vehicle for conveying appreciation through attention, oiled by love as enunciated above, I have deep conversations with my son, on sundry and deep matters of this life, even though he is only 2 years and 7 months old. These conversations are not just about the present but also about the future. I speak to his spirit, to his essence, believing that these words will shape his understanding as he grows. My father, who died at 82 in 2009, never had a conversation with me about life. I want to do the opposite for my son. I started talking to him when he was in the womb, recording conversations about the future I envision for him and the values I want him to adopt.

We must understand and accept the reality that authority in fatherhood is transient. As children grow, our direct control over them diminishes. What remains is the value we have instilled in them. Authority is temporary, but the values we communicate though authority are eternal when the foundational motivation is love. These are two immutable principles: Values in themselves are eternal when wisely communicated but when such communication is further grounded with Love, it can never fail. Love never fails. Whatever is built by love does not fail. Some fathers squander their authority by being overly harsh, thinking tough love is about being tough on the child. True tough love is about being tough on ourselves, setting a good example for our children to follow.

While fatherhood built on love can never fail, a claim to fatherhood based solely on biology is not only fickle but may also be terminated. Recently, it was reported that one of Brad Pitt’s daughters, upon attaining the age of 18, went to court to commence an action to change her last name to Jolie because of a strained relationship with her father. This shows how biological connections can be severed, but inspirational relationships endure. As a court-appointed special advocate, I’ve seen cases where parental rights are terminated due to a failure in inspiration and leadership. By citing this example, I do not cast aspersions on Brad Pitt's efforts to be a responsible father to his six adult children; I am only illustrating the fickleness of biology, and I find this story compelling and fresh for illustration.

True fatherhood is defined by inspiration and love, not just biology. Prominent figures like Steve Jobs and Nelson Mandela were profoundly influenced by father figures who were not their biological fathers. Mandela’s foster father taught him how to listen, a skill that became foundational to his greatness. These mentors provided the guidance and inspiration that shaped their lives, proving that the capacity to love and lead transcends biological ties. Therefore, those who truly love and inspire can claim the lasting and impactful role of a father.

The ability to love deeply can be attributed to two kinds of people: those who were well-loved growing up and those who, despite not receiving love, recognize the absence and choose to break the cycle. Those who grew up with loving parents have an advantage; they often have a model to emulate, making it easier to replicate that love. However, it still requires a conscious decision to love and be involved in their children’s lives.

On the other hand, individuals who did not experience love during their upbringing can also love profoundly. They understand the impact of the lack of love and resolve to offer their children a different experience. I fall into this category. My father never expressed love to me; instead, he often resorted to harsh punishment and lacked positive reinforcement. This upbringing led me to a life of turmoil until I found the love of Christ, which transformed my life and value. Now, I strive to give my son the love and guidance I never received, ensuring he does not repeat my mistakes.

I will conclude with two inspirational stories that have shaped my commitment to fatherhood.

The first is that of James David Wolfensohn, the ninth president of the World Bank Group. He served the organization meritoriously for two terms, totaling ten years, becoming the third person to do so after Eugene R. Black and Robert McNamara. During his tenure, he visited more than 120 countries and was the first World Bank president to bring attention to the issue of corruption in development financing. On January 3, 2005, he announced he would not seek a third term.

Wolfensohn was a guest on Riz Khan’s show, One on One, on Al Jazeera on Sunday, July 18, 2010. When asked, "How would you like to be remembered?" he looked straight into the camera and replied with enthusiastic conviction, "As a decent father."

The second story is about Sidney Poitier. At a time of dire financial need, he was offered a role in a movie that could have been a financial lifeline. However, upon reading the script, he realized that the role's values were not in line with those his father had instilled in him. He told the director that he could not accept the role because it contradicted his family values, saying, "I am my father’s son."

Like James David Wolfensohn, I want to be remembered as "a decent father." And, as Sidney Poitier maintained, I would like my son to proudly say, "I am my father’s son" in defense of our family values exemplified by me.

In conclusion, fatherhood is defined by two things: initiating life through biology and inspiring through leadership. While biology gives you a first-mover advantage, it's the inspiration that creates a lasting impact. Authority is transient, but the values you instill are eternal. Love, appreciation, and attention are the foundations of true fatherhood.