Fatherhood in the fourth trimester

#fatherhood #paternityleave #dad

My partner and I just had our second child. I hoped the second time would be just as wonderful but less terrifying. I can confirm: it is just as wonderful.

We were a dual-career family of three, and happily now are four. My partner and I both work internationally in the public/non-profit sectors. We're on different country assignments right now, and I only get to be with them every other month (although with the modern wonders of technology, I see them all daily :) ). So, when it came closer to the due date for our second child, I bundled up my accrued annual leave and headed home to help for two months.

Now, my partner's employer has a relatively generous maternity leave arrangement, as is the case for many organisations nowadays. But pro-paternity aspects are still dated across the aid sector (and beyond). I hope senior leaders and HR directors across the industry might reconsider how their policies and work cultures could better support young fathers and their families. A great BBC article on this said:

Past child development research often ignored fathers. But new studies are finding that non-maternal caregivers play a crucial role in children’s behaviour, happiness, even cognitive skills.

It's not unique to the aid sector, of course; most new dads in the US take less than ten days off , mostly from fear of stigmatisation by employers or missing out on future opportunities. Outside the US, only half of OECD countries provided paid paternity leave beyond a few weeks. On my weekday walks around town with the newborn, so few of those also taking kids were dads - when I politely ask why, often it's simply better financially for new mothers than fathers to stay at home. It's kind of sad, and I only hope for societal change in the years to come - not only for the dads and their families, but for companies too. 麦肯锡 's cogent 2021 report argued:

Fathers who take leave help their partners, their families, and themselves. In this era of employee mental-health challenges, companies should take notice.

Anyway, having taken the second spell of paternity leave, I wanted to share a few tips with other dads-to-be, especially for the 'fourth trimester .' If that's you - a) congratulations, and b) there's no recipe for what a father needs to do, so this is just advice from one father to another (and (a) again!). Three tips:

• Firstly, you're there primarily to help mum, baby, and others, probably with a range of new tasks. For your leave, you'll probably need to consciously shift from being breadwinner to becoming a housekeeper. So set your out-of-office on your work accounts then focus on the family and home: make your checklists, set your reminders (especially for meals, cleaning, and laundry), and keep up your positive, calm and helpfully proactive attitude to mundane household chores and all the stressful (and equally delightful) baby care situations. Try to figure out a schedule between the parenting team that'll keep you all from becoming sleepless zombies.?
• Secondly, although at times you may be frantically busy, you'll also have quite a bit of idle time too (especially if you're doing the night shift), but when and for how long will both be unpredictable. Try not to fill that time with getting sucked back into work, or anything you can't drop at a moments notice. Instead, keep up your productivity in different ways or find a creative outlet. Perhaps you have a side project, want to progress on professional development, have some home improvements, or have a hobby. Don't take on too much - this is just filler, but you might make some surprising gains and feel more accomplished. I'm amazed at how convenient and expansive on-demand learning (like Coursera ) has become - between night feeds during the period I achieved four professional certifications: Bookkeeping and financial statement analysis ( Intuit ), Circular Economy ( Circular Economy Alliance ), Marketing Analytics ( Meta ), and UX Design ( 谷歌 ) which I really loved. Plus, I had a decent time with some fantastic turn-based grand strategy games (thanks Paradox Interactive !)

I'm amazed at how convenient and expansive on-demand learning has become

• Thirdly, many new parents - both mums and dads - might neglect their own well-being as they try to focus on family first. Despite being a wonderful time, sleep-deprived parents often deal with stress, anxiety, depression , and strained relationships, especially if the newborn is colicky. But, as the saying goes, "you can't pour from an empty cup" - meaning that in order for us as humans to effectively take care of others, we also have to take care of ourselves. So, making sure that you can also be physically and mentally healthy is vital for the family - so make sure you can get out the house daily for some form of exercise or self-care. It recharges your stamina, offsets burnout, helps set a good impression and rhythm for the household, and getting out of the house to exercise gives both mum and dad a bit of space daily. For me, I took on the night feeds, got a few hours sleep and got out to my local Equinox gym late mornings, sometimes a midday power nap, then an early afternoon baby walk with coffee would usually tie me over. But we had a different cadence during the first birth, which also worked for us - whatever works for you.

Lastly, if this isn't your first child (congratulations again), spend quality time with older kids too. Our firstborn was coming to three years old, so this was also a unique opportunity for bonding and her developmental milestones - bike riding, potty training, and reading this time. The end-of-day conversations were priceless on both fronts.

There's no model of an ideal father. But I hope that some of?these reflections are helpful, and I can only encourage you to take the leave you have.

So, how do you feel about fatherhood and work? Do you have any tips or insights for new dads or their employers?