Father: Things that I Learned from My Godfathers - 6

The lady officer, who came for police verification, was very inquisitive about our family because my father worked in the police department. My youngest brother didn’t have a choice as he had applied for passport. He told her that his eldest brother was pursuing PhD at UCD, Ireland, elder brother was pursuing PhD from JNU, Delhi. He himself was studying BTech (Computer Science), final year, preparing for GATE to study MTech. The lady was completely shocked. It wasn’t common to find a policeman’s sons or daughters all going for higher education in our state and that too all of them. Most kids from police family try government job in the police department itself. She couldn’t stop herself from asking another question, “How come your father supported you all for higher studies?” My brother preferred to be silent but she insisted. “Because my father doesn’t take bribe,” he said softly. And then there was a silence for few minutes. He could see stress on her face but he told her not to worry as he didn’t expect everybody to be like his father. Whether my brother got his passport or not is another story.

Give your kids a dependent independence

When I was 5 years old, my mother sent me to the government school in my village. After coming back from the school on the first day itself, I told my mother that I won’t go to the school as the teacher sat on chair whereas students sat on ground. My mother told this incident to my father. The first thing my father did was to get him transferred to a bigger town where he can find a better school for me. And then he registered me in a school where all students and teachers used chairs. My father understood the importance of education since the beginning. When I passed third standard we moved to a new city, my father send me with my uncle to see all schools in the city and choose whichever I like. I sometimes laugh at this. At such a young age, you won’t be able to decide what is good and what is bad for you then why my father did this. Perhaps my father wanted to put a sense of ownership in me. He wanted to make sure that I made decisions for myself and felt responsible for it. I can proudly say that I selected all my schools. I chose what I would study, I chose whatever I wanted to do in the life and I will make sure that my kids have the same liberty. I feel my father provided me some sort of dependent independence (or independent dependence?). He taught me to be independent at an early stage but he kept an eye on me so that I don’t make mistake and even if I do he was there to fix it as early as possible.

Many policemen drink a lot. My father somehow never drank in his whole life but he used to smoke whenever he was alone. One day, when I was in high school, he told me to go to a shop and buy a pack of cigarettes for him. I told him that I won’t go. He was kind of shaken and asked, “Why." I said, “Cigarette is not good for health and I would not do anything which is not good for health.” My father could have beaten me for this but he didn’t. Instead he stopped smoking for a couple of years. Later he would smoke for few days and again give up for years. What I have observed in the last few years is that if kids are right, no parents would have any objection. It’s just that we, as kids, most of the time fight for wrong things.

If you can’t support, don’t oppose it either

Sometimes it could be very tough to support what your kids want to do. But most of the time problems start when you start opposing it. We are three brothers. My youngest brother was the first one to get married. My father wasn’t very happy. Of course, most parents in India won’t be happy of love marriages. Secondly, his objection was if the youngest one gets married what would happen to elder ones. Who would marry us? Our argument was that my youngest brother loved someone and he was ready for marriage so why he should wait for us? My father agreed after a lot of inhibitions and never created any obstructions. He attended marriage too. As Indian parents, you would regret if you didn’t select a girl for your son. Some parents go to an extent where it becomes impossible for the kids to go against their wishes. But my father didn’t do anything of that sort. I didn’t think that my brother was doing anything wrong so I supported him completely. There are instances in life when you don’t like something, you may be right or you may have only one perspective, in those times it’s better to just let it go for the happiness of your son or daughter.

Teach your kids responsibility at an early stage

My father always believed that even if a kid is very naughty you give him responsibilities you will see a big change. He would give me Rs. 300 (~ $5) per month for buying food. This was apart from grocery items we would buy once a month. It used to come around Rs. 10 per day which was enough but one of the challenge was to keep everyone happy. You must buy what everyone wants. Some vegetables would be expensive and the daily budget may go beyond Rs. 10 so you must save the next day. On an average, I could save Rs. 50 per month. Some things like potatoes, onions, garlic, I would buy only once a week. Even for monthly expenses he would give my mother Rs. 2,000 and one of us will have the list of all items required for the whole month and we will buy everything at once so that except vegetable etc. we don’t have shortage at the middle of month. We were always updating that list based on previous months’ requirements. Another important aspect which I learned from this was taking responsibility. It was like, “It’s my family. I am responsible for my family. I am doing it for my family. And I should do the best possible for my family.”

Books are the best gift at any age

My father had a lot of reimbursement policies. Perhaps because he was in government service he may have learned from his service. He used to reimburse all the costs incurred on books. There was no limit on buying books even story books. Only condition was that you must buy it from your own pocket money and then he will reimburse. I didn’t like comics that much so I am not sure whether he would have supported comics. We used to save money to buy books and get it reimbursed. This also taught us about saving money at an early stage. He used to put his signature on the first page of the book as a proof that he had reimbursed amount for that book. This was one of the measures that we don’t learn any form of cheating. I always request everyone to not to stop your kids from buying books. I know sometimes they will buy books but not read at all but I am sure even if they read a few pages it would be useful in the future.

Education is important but sports as well

When you think of a policeman what image comes to your mind. I am sure it is of someone who has a big belly but if you look at my father he still has perfect BMI. He being a policeman always believed a lot in sports. He used to have football, volleyball grounds in his police station. He made sure that his team participates in sports everyday. Though I was never good at sports at school level yet he made sure that we gave enough time for sports everyday. One of his techniques to motivate us was to give us some pocket money only for sports. It was very less, we could buy one or two cricket balls, one shuttlecock per week and repair rackets. But this made sure that we spend money and time on sports too. We also had chess board in house. We used to participate in cricket and chess tournaments in our colony. A lot of parents do not understand that sport is equally important for kids for overall development of body and mind.

People make judgments without any authenticity

My father told me two stories when I was six and those two stories left a long-lasting impression on my mind. The first one is quite famous one – ‘The Miller, His Son and the Ass’. The story is about a man, his son and their ass which they wanted to sell. When they go to market they hear many comments and try to please everyone realizing at the end that if you try to please all, you please none. Another lesson which my father told me that if you worry too much about the society you will always be unhappy. Listen to your heart and do what you feel right. The second story was – “The Painter’s Mistake”. In this story, a painter puts his best painting at the main square of the town for the people to evaluate. When he comes back after a week he finds out that people have put marks all over his painting and he gets disappointed feeling that his painting had so many mistakes. Next time, he puts another painting but this time he also puts colors and brushes so that if somebody finds a mistake he could correct it. When he comes back after a week he doesn’t see any mark at all. He realizes that people tend to make judgments, pass remarks on others without any authenticity and seriousness. But when you tell them to correct mistakes nobody comes forward. It’s very easy to find fault in others or being judgmental but it’s difficult to suggest how to correct those faults. So, if you get a feedback without any corrective measure, it may be worthwhile to ignore it.

A few years ago, when my father told me to apply for railways engineer’s job, it came to me as a shock. I was earning a lot more than what railway engineer would earn so why he was so adamant. I argued and his argument was that it had a lot of money. I said that I earned more than that but he said it had extra income. Was my father hinting at bribe? A person who had never taken bribe, who got suspended three times for performing his duty and not taking bribe was telling me to accept bribe. He suggested, “It all happens, you don’t have to do anything, it just happens and you will get used to it.” How ironic! Also, his point was, whatever salary I earn, I won’t be able to earn “respect” equal to that of a government officer. He struggled whole life because he was honest, we as a family struggled too and he didn’t want us to go through the same struggle. But he forgot one very important fact - though we struggled every day, we slept happily every day. It was a big lesson for me that no father wants his kids to go through the same struggle with which he went, even if it means compromising with his own principles. I was in a paradoxical situation with two choices whether to follow what he wanted or to follow his lessons that one should listen to one’s heart and mind. I preferred to follow his lessons.

My father turned 70 this year and he still looks so fit that it won’t be surprising if he crosses 100 one day.

PS: This photo was taken during my father’s first training at Police Training College, Moradabad. My father is on the 3rd row (from top) and 3rd position (from left).

Read my other articles in this series – Part 1, 2, 3 and 4, 5.