Father Figure (?)

So much is written about being a mother, you might think that all fathers know what to do.

I for one don’t. And it is time we spoke about that.

We someone becomes a father these days – assuming its planned – there has often been quite a bit of preparation. Hipsters have sat through pregnancy yoga with their partners and the house has been baby proofed. What they don’t tell you is that keeping your baby physically healthy and alive is in most circumstances not very hard in most developed countries with a proper medical system to rely on. I say that with all respect for the situations where parents do have to face critical illness of their, which is a hard but fortunately infrequent ordeal.

Once the baby is home we get some support from a nanny or nurse and we soon establish a routine. We also get used to the paperwork, such as insurance and vaccinations. Picking a school gets a bit harder, though in many countries, that follows the alumni system. Often no really hard introspection is needed in those early years, other than the awareness that somehow you need more sleep and more money.

Things start changing when children reach Middle Childhood. They are very much aware of themselves and their surroundings. They are less uninhibited and start developing uncertainties as a result of things like increasing peer pressure, increasing learning requirements at school. They constantly worry whether they are cool enough, capable enough, smart enough. They compare a lot, get emotionally impacted by success or failure and do really let a cheerful word from a parent, or an ice cream for that matter, lighten the mood.

If we are lucky we had a father when we grew up and we model our fatherhood in light of how we experienced our own father. In my case, I find myself to be a man of strong principle because that is what my father was like, and I respected that in him. But I also realize that I hate weakness, because my father was a weak man who couldn’t stand up to a very abusive and narcissistic wife. As a result I have never allowed myself to fail. I can always squeeze more into my agenda. I never give up because of pain. I can run ultra-marathons in the highest mountains and graduate cum laude. And I was keen to instil the same drive and values in my son.

When my son was around 8 or 9 I started realizing that he is not me and not like me; he didn’t want to be strong all the time, has was scared of the dark and afraid of pain. And I wasn’t an inspiration to him, but rather an example of what he could never achieve. I understood that I needed to understand myself better in order to be a better father for him. And I found out that – other than the strong outer/projected self, there was a vulnerable and uncertain inner self in me. A self that I wasn’t too familiar with myself, so how could my son possibly see this?

In my journey of acceptance of this new part of myself, I decided to show more of this side to my son as well, exploring and expressing my own emotions, even if they were ones of fear or uncertainty. I worked on understanding where my own weaknesses were coming from as well as my desire for strength and I am slowly getting better at understanding when I should be strong and when I should be weak. It has made me a kinder and more approachable person. Not just to my son, but to all around me.

So, happy ever after from here? Hardly. I often find myself lacking empathy when my son if not able to find strength. Or be embarrassed and frustrated when being called out by this young new human who is now able to call my bullshit. There is no hiding from that and it is often a blessing in disguise which I am thankful for.

The most challenging feeling I am currently dealing with are the guilt over sometimes being reluctant to get into his world. To take myself out of the exciting world of work, travel, friends, a new partner, mindfulness – and coaching events and into a world of gaming, cartoons and school assignments. I want to be the available parent, but sometimes I am not, and I suppose it is healthy to feel guilty about that.

I prompts me to double my efforts, dig into my creativity and question myself and my motivation. Often I feel embarrassingly far being a good dad, and the only comfort I have is the fact that the very awareness that I am not a perfect father, probably counts for something in the journey of becoming a better one. It will require knowing myself, avoiding projection, making myself available, letting go of my own past. In that journey I have been blessed with many amazing friends that I can count on, and just maybe, one day when he is all grown up, my son we ease my mind by saying that I wasn’t all that bad as a father. Wouldn’t that be something…