The fastest way to accelerate your transition as a new manager is FEEDBACK. Here's the brain friendly way of doing it.

As a new manager, doing the right thing can be daunting because there are so many things to learn as one transition from an individual contributor to a people manager. As an individual contributor, your value is in your expertise. As a people manager your value is to develop your talent by working through them.

A common experience many new managers face is “How do I learn fast and do it right?” Of all the tools, the one tool that will accelerate your development is asking for feedback. Have you ever wondered why is it easy to give a constructive feedback but hard to receive one? We know from a neuroscience perspective when we experience stress or anxiety, our defensive mechanism goes into action.

The transition to a new manager has been shown to create such stress and anxiety. When this happens a constructive feedback tends to be viewed as an attack to our performance. This is why many become defensive at the early stage of being a manager. Asking for feedback is both a science and an art. Here’s how you go about it.

Step 1 - Being prepared for the feedback

The best way to be prepared for constructive feedback is to ask for it. When I first got into training, I felt I did well because the response from my learners were positive. I remember one evening while having coffee with another facilitator he shared some areas which he felt I could better myself. I probed to understand (at least I thought I was trying to understand the situation) and gave a point by point rebuttal to his comment. At the end of it all he said was “Isaac, you are definitely eloquent and able to explain yourself but if you pause and listen, really listen, you would see that are areas that you need to improve.” I smiled and we continued our conversation on other matter. That experience left a deep impression. Upon reflection, I realize I unconsciously viewed his feedback as an ‘attack’ (since my learners gave me positive feedback). The reasoning in my head was “he is younger than me” and “maybe he is trying to make me feel bad because I got better positive feedback.” While this could be the situation, it closed me to getting new insights which would have made me even better. In short, my brain was not ready for it.

I realize by making it a habit to ask for (genuine) feedback, I become more open to it and less defensive. Up till today, I make it a habit after my workshop to ask for feedback from my co-facilitator or team member, regardless of their expertise or seniority.

“If there are 1 or 2 areas I can improve to develop you better, what would that be?” I find this question extremely helpful when asking for feedback. Not only does it give permission to those who are concerned to offend others with their feedback but it pre-supposes in my mind that I DO have areas to improve.

"If there are 1 or 2 areas I can improve to develop you better, what would that be?"

Step 2 - Recognize people have good intention when giving feedback.

How then do you deal when someone gives you unsolicited feedback? 2 common reason people give feedback is because what we did made things difficult for them or others, and the other is because that is not how they will do it. For the first type of feedback, it comes from a place of ensuring harmony at work. For the second type of feedback, it comes from their personal values.

I find that if I can see the positive intention of their feedback, it helps me to manage my ‘defensiveness’. To me, this is perhaps the most important step in receiving feedback. The minute our defensive mechanism springs to action, all subsequent action we take is to justify our action and this robs us of our own improvement.

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?Step 3 - Focus on the behavior, not the person

While we wished everyone gives us feedback in a constructive way, unfortunately not everyone does it well. Giving constructive feedback is a learned skill.

I find that if I were to focus on the actionable aspect of the feedback and discard the manner it is presented, I benefit from the feedback. By actionable I mean the specific behavior or words I use which prompted the feedback.

For example, when someone said to me “You seem uninterested in John.” I would say, “Oh dear, was I? Could you share what I did or say that made it seem I am uninterested?”. While I might feel unjustified because I take pride in developing my team member, I need to recognize how others interpret my action affects their response. You would notice in my probing I begin by acknowledging that I was not aware of my actions. This is done to communicate to the other person that their feedback is new to me. This give them the sense that I am open to it. I then asked them to identify the specific behavior or words used.

Imagine if I started by saying “Are you sure? What makes you say so?”. This opening statement communicates a sense of challenging their feedback. This might make them more cautious and minimize the actual feedback in order to maintain harmony.

From my experience, most people give feedback based on their interpretation of our intent rather than our actual behavior. In this example, uninterested is their interpretation of my intent based on my behavior.

I find that it a losing battle to convince others of our intention because intention is personal. Only you can ‘see’ your own intention.

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Step 4 - Feedback is just feedback

Trying to incorporate every feedback when it is given can be tiring and unsustainable. Feedback is often given from the other person’s point of view. It communicates how they want us to behave. It does not consider the larger picture of what we need to achieve.

It is important for us to be intentional in our development. With intentionality comes priority. We work on the areas of priority first. This means focusing on feedback aligned to our priority first while being mindful that would probably get similar feedback on behavior in our non-priority area. I find when I receive recurring feedback in the same area, it unconsciously become the new priority. Remember, no one knows you better than you and improving yourself is a life long journey. It is better to work on one area at a time and succeed then to try to improve everything at the same time and burn out.

I remember in my early days as a consultant, my manager will give me feedback regularly. While she gives me feedback in every area of how I deliver my workshop, she was intentional to tell me to focus on one area at a time and not to be overwhelmed by all the feedback even though she gave it. Her reasoning was that it was better that she says all of it because it increases my awareness of the work I need to do on myself.

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Step 5 - Share your perspective on your behavior

We don’t have to agree with every feedback but we need to make the other person feel safe in giving theirs. As most feedback is given from a person’s point of view, it is equally important to share your point of view on the way you act.

The difference between sharing a point of view and justification is only clear to you because intent is personal.

“Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate you. I didn’t realize that’s how others viewed me. Can I share what made me do that?”. This is how I would start my point. By thanking the person, it communicate that I appreciate the feedback. I then asked permission to share my perspective and wait for them to say “yes” because from a psychological angle, when a person says “yes”, it is an unconscious process in them to prepare them for our sharing.

From my experience, sharing our perspective has 2 benefits, first it helps the other person understand us better as a person and second it helps you to express your ‘feeling’ of being misunderstood. Emotion is energy. If you don’t let it out, you might explode.

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Step 6 - Thank them for the feedback

No matter how painful the feedback is, always thank the person. One thing I learn over the year is if a person feels their feedback is not welcome, they will stop giving it. While some feedback may just be a matter of their opinion, showing them you appreciate it gives them permission to give you more feedback in the future. We know that living in a constantly changing environment that feedback allow us to adapt quickly. Therefore, ensuring as many people as possible giving us feedback is desirable.

“Thanks for your feedback. While I understand where you are coming from, there are some things that I don’t quite agree now, but it is some things for me to reflect on.” This is one variation I would use when thanking others. It demonstrates my openness to their feedback while maintaining my sincerity and integrity.

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I hope this sharing will accelerate your growth. Try it and let me know if it benefitted you. All the best!

Isaac is an experience leadership and organization development consultant. He works closely with organization to address their business needs from a leadership and culture perspective. He and his team specializes in developing new managers by providing them with the right mindset, manage their emotion and psychology in the new role, and equip them with the necessary skill to accelerate their success. Connect with him and find out how you can accelerate your new manager's progress.