The fashion industry has Munchausen Syndrome, and we’re all Gypsy Rose.

Introduction

Louis Vuitton just had a literal “let them eat cake” moment, when in its latest fuck you to poor people, the 400 billion dollar walk in closet with design guidance from singer, songwriter, super-producer, and all-around man-of-the-people Pharrell Williams, the company released a leather-bound, sandwich bag costing its famously sandwich-loving consumer base over $3,000 per baggie.

C’mon get happyyyyyyy! I SAID GET HAPPY.

The down-to-earth recording artist and designer Williams, who was named men’s creative director of the French luxury fashion house last February, apparently drew inspiration from the classic paper sandwich bag, as well as that scene from The Dark Knight where the Joker lights that giant pile of cash on fire, for his latest design, reimagining it as a high fashion accessory.

I’m not exactly sure what kind of sandwich is supposed to be carried in these Lunchables Lamborghinis, but I am pretty sure that the average LV patron hasn’t made, seen, or thought about a fucking sandwich in decades, so your guess is as good as mine.

By the way, anyone else think a lunch bag as an ironic addition to the product catalog of a company that famously helped popularize bulimia in the mid-'90s? Anyone? I digress.

Branding without Boundaries

Louis Vuitton and the rest of these neo-fascistonistas have turned branding into an art form, and marketing into a need for years of therapy as an adult. What used to be grainy television ads of the Italian countryside and the social acknowledgment that a cheap, faux-mink coat and glass earrings could elevate one to New York socialite status for the evening, has turned into full-blown consumer Stockholm Syndrome, where we are all Patty Hearst and everyone else just doesn’t understand how much this $3,000 lunch bag actually loves us.

The otherwise intelligent, sometimes actually over-educated, credit card holders of the U$ have been emotionally and morally defrauded by a masterclass of visual storytelling and psychological marketing manipulation. The fashion industry has successfully spun us a tale of luxury, exclusivity, and a lifestyle that in reality only the Jay-Zees, Bezoseez, and March 2022 Elonzees could hope for. Their social media isn't just a platform; it's a runway showcasing a lifestyle most could only achieve by finding a lamp in a cave and rubbing it like our teenage Arabian asses depended on it. And on top of all that, let us not forget the chorus line of celebrity endorsements. If it's good enough for the top 1%, then it’s gotta be fucking great for the bottom 99, right? Imagine applying the same level of unhinged, disassociated, product marketing to your own business. "Diamond crusted toilet paper, anyone? Wipe like the stars! If you don’t, you’re poor and everyone hates you. #happyblackhistorymonth"

The Uncomfortable Truth

The sad fact is, behind the glitz and glamour sold to us by some of the most brilliant marketing minds in history, lie some truly malevolent realities. The fashion industry, for all of its glamour and glow, operates on practices that would make the Jeffreys fucking Epsteins blush. “Career-building opportunities” for children? Check. Destructive environmental impacts that make the Deep Water Horizon spill look like a coffee stain on your favorite khakis? Double-check, bitch. And then there's the criminally positioned product pricing. The classically elegant, exclusively exceptional, unique, tailor-made, timeless craftsmanship of the average leather-bound whatever-the-fuck you find on the shelves of these luxury retailers have margins so fat, every one of Pharrell’s lunch bags should come with its own prescription for Ozempic.

Ignorance is Bliss

So, why is it exactly that we’ve collectively agreed to ignore all these blatant immoralities, human rights violations, environmental impacts, and marketing narratives that suggest if you don’t spend at least half your paycheck on a pair of stunna shades then those who did pony up for the glasses get to now look down on you through them? Is it just willful ignorance? Is it masochism? Perhaps it’s just human nature. Because, let’s be honest, we’re all guilty of it to a degree. I certainly am. A Casio tells time just as well as any expensive, luxury timepiece, but if I had the money I’d be the first hypocrite in line to buy a Paul Newman Rolex Daytona Oyster Cosmograph, and I’d do it with a huge smile on my stupid fucking face.

"No, no, no, no… You just don’t understand. You see, it's an investment piece! Also, I needed to know what time to take the sandwich out of my cool new bag. Why are you laughing?"

Final Thoughts

So, what's the takeaway from all this if you’re, say, a graphic designer slash business owner trying to navigate a digital world that’s been surreptitiously manipulated by guerrilla marketing tactics and psychological brand strategies? Schemes so devilishly well executed they’ve convinced swaths of people that a sandwich bag can be a luxury item worth three grand? It’s probably just to shut the fuck up and fall in line. Because while I’d like to think that one could write a few, funny, keyword-heavy articles about the things that annoy him, and that that would spark some global revolution against the bourgeoisie, let’s face it, it won’t. We’ll just have to wait for the Alien invasion, or AI takeover, or until Elon takes Pharrell to Mars to start their own race of neura-linked, Teslapod, xenohums, before we see any real change happen to the leather-bound lunch bag we call home.

Whatcha think?

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