FAQ for Mediators: How Many Meetings Does it Take to Resolve Family Conflicts about Eldercare?

Between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, more families visit their aging parents and grandparents than during any other time of the year. At such gatherings, concerns about the Elders’ future can easily lead to disagreements. So it’s not surprising that as an Elder Care Mediator, my phone is ringing more often during this season. A frequently asked question during initial complimentary consultations with potential clients is “How many meetings will it take to resolve our family’s conflicts?” I usually answer that, although I’ve facilitated between one and seven meetings with the same family, most decide to schedule one follow-up session after our first meeting with all family members involved in making decisions with and for their Elder(s).? While the participants can decide after each meeting if they’d like to plan another one, unfortunately they don’t always follow through. Here are some examples from my recent practice:

1)???? Two siblings who hadn’t talked for two years reached out to me, because they needed to make some decisions about property and other possessions they inherited together from their parents. During our first joint meeting of about 4 hours, they learned to listen to each other and understood what had prompted the silence between them. The groundwork was laid for a second meeting, where they discussed what business decisions they needed to make regarding the inheritance and agreed on a process and timeline how to make these decisions together. Encouraged by this success, they planned a third meeting for after the summer, when they wanted to discuss how to improve their personal communications and heal the relationship between them and their families. I’m sad to report that the 3rd meeting hasn’t happened yet.

2)???? Another family contacted me at the beginning of the year, because they had conflicts about cleanliness, order and communications between three generations sharing a duplex home. They also felt so hopeful and motivated after their first joint meeting that they scheduled another one for 3 months later, when they evaluated their progress and made more detailed plans for the following 3 months. At the end of that meeting, they agreed to plan a 3rd meeting for the fall, to further discuss their progress and make specific plans how to communicate with each other in the future. Unfortunately, they also decided not to schedule a 3rd meeting after all. However, they had a good reason: After participating as a family in a series of 5 monthly classes in Compassionate Communication that I had offered over the Spring and Summer, they were confident that they learned so much that they didn’t need another facilitated family meeting.

3)???? A third family reached out to me, because they had disagreements about how the adult siblings with and without Powers of Attorney for the finances and health care of their aging dad should work and make decisions together. They also made so much progress during their first joint meeting that they planned a second one for just two weeks later, when they discussed and reached agreements about some more of the topics on an agenda they created together at their first meeting. Like the other two families, they agreed to plan a third meeting later in the year to discuss the remaining items on their topics list. I’m happy to report that this meeting recently happened, allowing the participants to complete their discussions of all agenda items. We all left with a great sense of accomplishment, gratitude, closure and hope. I just wish that more families would continue with the meeting process until they discussed all topics they initially planned.?

Are you or a friend, colleague or client struggling with family conflicts about the care, finances, or estate of their aging loved ones? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail [email protected], so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how a Facilitated Family Meeting or Mediation process can help them reach agreements that work for everyone involved and improve family relations across generations. ????

Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach

AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830

E-Mail: [email protected], Web: www.aginginharmony.com

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