FAQ: How would you coach common-law couples?

Great question from a trainee of Relationship Coaching Institute about coaching common-law couples as we do take a different approach with committed couples vs. pre-committed/pre-marital couples:

"I wonder about common-law relationships. Many couples now see that as commitment when they move in together. The laws in Canada say that a couple who has lived together for a certain amount of time is considered committed (when they split the assets must be divided and support can be mandated for children). Would we consider common-law relationships as committed?"

Good question. You would first need to know if they would be considered a Common Law Marriage where they live. More info about that here

For Relationship Coaching, the most important aspect of commitment from my perspective is that it is consciously chosen and formally acted upon. It is the FACT and ATTITUDE of commitment that makes it real and enhances the relationship.

The "Fact" of commitment means it is unambiguously agreed upon and formalized. If one of the partners is unclear about or disagrees about the relationship being committed, if friends and family have different perceptions of the nature of the relationship, if the commitment hasn't been formalized in a particular way on a particular date in a particular place, the fact of commitment hasn't happened.

The "Attitude" of commitment is that you choose commitment, your mindset is committed and "all-in" with no mental/emotional exits, even when times are tough. If you are unhappily married and thinking about divorce, you do not have a committed attitude.

Sliding vs. Deciding: One way to put it is "sliding vs deciding." Those who "slide" into a long term relationship without talking about, agreeing about, defining their relationship are not committed in attitude and that can create problems in making their relationship work and get through the tough times, having a much, much higher failure rate than consciously committed relationships.

"Common law" relationships can be committed in fact according to the law, but if they slid into it without consciously choosing to do so they have a pre-committed mindset (pre-commitment is one of the 5 stages of relationship coaching).

So how do you coach them? Do you approach them as pre-committed and help them decide compatibility or do you coach them as you would a committed couple?

Personally, I would coach them as a committed couple, similar to the couples that are formally married but have a less-than-committed mindset. To me, that means at least two ways I would approach them as a committed couple vs a pre-committed couple-

1. Explore what commitment means to them and the FACT of their commitment under the law, which I don't do with pre-committed couples. Though I do believe strongly that Commitment is the path to relationship happiness and longevity, I learned long ago that it is a mistake to treat all couples who seek your help as committed couples unless the fact of commitment exists.
2. Omit mentioning Requirements and focus on Vision and Needs and relationship skills around communication, intimacy, conflict resolution, prioritizing their partners happiness, etc, which I also don't do with pre-committed relationships. Requirements are non-negotiable deal-breakers and in a committed relationship we assume that we can find a way to make the relationship work, not justify why it can't work.

Here's more information about common law marriages by province in Canada and elsewhere.